Spinning Stars on Her Fingernails (Panic! At The Disco)

Chapter 15: Mistakes and Headaches

*hey do me a favor and read the author's note at the end sorta inportant*

I was a wreck. I shut the door and sat on my bed, wanting to throw up. I rest my elbows on my knees and run my fingers through my hair. I thought about pulling it all out in that moment.

What the fuck did I just do?

I ran the moment through my head multiple times until my tears sprang loose.

My guilt is eating away at me. I'm a terrible person. The more times I thought about it, the more everything connected to me. It's all my fault.

I need to tell someone. I think about telling Audrey, but she's probably busy somewhere. My final decision probably wasn't the best one, but I had no other ideas.

"Mom." My voice shakes through the phone.

"Riley, what's wrong?"

"I made a mistake, mom." Tears fog up my sight.

"Riley, what happened?"

"I-I had a good thing and I ruined it." I sniffle.

I spill. Every part of it.

"Honey, you have to tell Brendon. If you really care about him this much, you need to be honest with him."

"R-Ryan's my friend. What if Brendon gets really mad?"

"Ryan did that knowing you had a boyfriend."

"Mom, I let him kiss me, I practically kissed him."

"Riley, you did not bring up the kiss, did you?"

"No." I say quietly as I think to myself.

"You need to tell Brendon, if you're honest, there's a better chance he'll forgive you." She builds up my confidence and I nod, sniffling up the last bit of my tears.

"Thank you, mom. I love you, goodnight."

"Love you too." I hang up and sit in silence for a few seconds before gathering up the courage to dial Brendon's number.

"Hey." He says with a cheery voice. My heart breaks again and my tears come back.

"Bren. I need to tell you something."

"What's wrong?" He says fully concerned.

"Something happened with Ryan today. H-he kissed me." I stumble out. The other side of the line goes silent.

"I'm so sorry, Brendon." I break out in tears again.

"When?" He says in a monotone voice.

"Like twenty minutes ago. I called my mom after I made him leave." I stutter. His side of the call is silent again.

"Wow." He says through a breath. My stomach drops farther.

"I-I gotta go, Riley. Goodnight." The call ends and I just stare at the screen until it shuts off automatically.

I fucked up.

***

I lay in darkness, thinking about what I was going to do tomorrow. I sat by Ryan and Brendon in my three first classes. Maybe I just won't go. I'll tell them I'm sick. Which wasn't wrong, to describe how I'm feeling.

Audrey had come back around eleven with a half empty bottle of jack in her hands. She flopped onto her bed with her shoes on and all, the bottle slipping out of her hand as it hung from the edge of the bed. I contemplated getting up and sneaking it out of her hand, just to numb my brain a little bit. But I decided to let myself sleep with the guilt.

My five-thirty alarm starts to beep just before I slam my hand on it and find the knob to turn it off. My idea to ditch had come to life. All because of a big mistake I made.

I slept until around twelve when someone knocked on the door. I didn't really want to open it, not knowing who it would be, but hoping it would be Audrey, I opened it slightly.

Brendon looks through the crack and holds up a paper bag with a shrug. I open the door for him and he steps in.

"Here." He says blankly.

"Thank you." I take the bag from him. Truthfully, I hadn't had an appetite after what's happened in the past 24 hours.

"D-did you kiss him back?" He says with a small voice. My heart drops.

"I don't know. He pulled me forward and kissed me and I just didn't move. He knocked on the door and kissed me and I made him leave." Brendon shuts his eyes and shakes his head.

"Riley, I really want to stay with you. I really just want to kick Ryan's ass and forget this ever happened. But I don't know if I can. I'm not into playing games like this."

"It wasn't a game, Brendon."

"Well then what was it? It's felt like a game."

"I didn't know Ryan..." I trail off.

"I should have known. It was obvious." He mumbles as he puts his head in his heads and rubs his face as if he's trying to wipe away the stress. I've tried that, Bren. It doesn't work that way, unfortunately.

"What do we do?" I look up from the food over to him.

"I don't know." He lifts his face away from his hands and sighs.

"I'm gonna go." He says as he moves slowly to the door handle. I nod silently.

"Goodbye, Riley." He says quietly. That was the last time I saw Brendon as I used to.

-A/N: hey, this is almost over! okay quick question, would you guys like to do a character q&a after this is finished??please please let me know. also, this is the last chapter then an epilogue and a few Ryan's Notebooks here and there every once and a while. thank you all for reading and I hope you enjoyed!