FADING DARKNESS

CHAPTER 21: THINGS UNTOLD

FLASHBACK:
CHAND'S MEMORIES
It's the college reunion. I hate parties, in general, I hate the crying and all accompanying these occasions. But it's my favourite teacher's last year before retirement and he'll go abroad after that to live with his son. It's on his special request that I've come.
I step in, dressed in a pale blue shirt and denims, and gaze around. College has changed in the five years since I left. It's bigger now, with a new building, more students, and a more crowded atmosphere. I recognize a few old friends here and there. Many haven't been able to come, caught up in work or family. I have no such restraints. With grim satisfaction, I remember the fight I had with my father just before leaving. He is another reason why I defied my hatred for parties and came. It is beause of him that we are buried under debt, that I'm struggling to hold together his business, which is falling more apart day by day. I wanted to escape from all that for a moment, escape to my old world. And that is the bigger reason why I'm here.
I pick up a soft drink from the stands and observe the cheerful hustle all around, feeling alien to all the echoing laughter. I hear an announcement requesting all the paasouts to be present at the auditorium where a programme will be conducted. I sigh. I'll not be attending of course. I'll go, meet up with my teacher, spend a few good moments, then go back to my dark reality, fighting with my drunk father, paying his debts and so on. After each fight, it takes all my willpower to convince myself that I will not let him break me the way he broke my mother, taking her away when I was still in school.
I close my eyes willing all those memories to disappear. Still with my eyes closed, I raise my glass to my lips to down the rest of my drink.
And she collides with me. Literally. Storms into my life with a gasp and a whirlwind of green saree and open flying hair. The glass drops from my hand, the last contents spilling and staining my shirt as I reach out to steady her before she hits her head on the table.
A surge of irritation flashes through me. She's spoiled my last good shirt. I open my mouth to give her a piece of my mind when she opens her eyes and looks at me.
And I'm lost...
"I'm sorry, so sorry Sir" she speaks in a voice that's sweet and sincere though it trembles in alarm.
And all I see are her eyes.
Blue...Ice-blue? No..blue like the oceans, deep and inviting... They drown my anger and irritation in them..
"I-I'll pay for cleaning up? Do you-I'm sorry-I'll even buy u a new shirt sir-"
She blinks, her long eyelashes closing off the blue momentarily, then lets me see them again. I'm aware I'm staring, but I don't care. Her eyes are arresting. Mysterious. Alluring. Hypnotizing.
"Sir?"
I want to see them forever, that's all I know. I want the light in those blue eyes to dispel the darkness in my life. Forever.
"Er-sir?"
Her voice, slightly louder this time, snaps me partially out of my trance.
I speak this time.
"Well since u insist on buying me a new shirt, I should see to it that u do not escape from me."
She blinks again, confused, not really understanding what I have just spoken.
"Sir--?"
"Don't call me that. Makes me seem old.Chand Raichand is the owner of the unfortunately stained shirt."
Her lips twitch at my words this time and then part as she laughs. As I watch her laugh, her eyes dancing with merriment, my lips curve too. I'm aware I'm smiling, for the first time since Mama died. Since I was fifteen. Since ten years.
"Haseena! Ur dance is third on the list...Where are u?" we hear a voice call.
"That's me" she whispers to me, conspirationally, as though telling me a secret. "I-I'll do something about ur shirt after my dance. I have to go now."
An unspoken question for permission to go lingers between us. I find myself nodding.
"I'll wait, Haseena."
She flashes me another dazzling smile, her blue eyes lighting up again, trapping me in their world. She nods at me. "I'll meet u here after the dance."
************
"Did u enjoy it, Dad? Did u enjoy hiding the truth? About mother? About her sister? All these years...she was alive. Dad. Alive and Breathing...And you....you...why? WHY?"
Chand closed his eyes, leaning back on his wheelchair, as he recalled his son's words.
"How did you know?" was the only thing he had asked. Been able to ask, in fact.
Abhay had held up a diary. "This" he said, tears trailing down his eyes, tears he did not even hide. "She wrote to me. And I lived my life holding on to a lie. THAT SHE WAS DEAD! YOU SAID THAT SHE DIED!" his eyes had turned cold, furious.
"Abhay..listen to me...."
"No. I've been listening to u for the past twenty-six years. Now u listen. I'm going to her. I'm going to meet my mother, and God forbid, don't try any of ur tricks to stop me. Else, I won't remember u r my father."
"It was all for ur protection...all those years ago..Abhay...."
"I don't care...I don't care anymore...."Abhay's voice shook, a mixture of anger, despair ,agony and hatred. "And I don't believe you. U had no right to take away my mother. NO.RIGHT."
"Where is she?" he asked.
"Shouldn't bother u, should it?" he had stated coldly before turning around and leaving.
Chand sighed. He suddenly felt old, older than he had ever felt in his life. A happy family. That's what he had hoped for. Dreamt of. And marriage had taken away from him the woman he loved, the daughter who was a part of him. Leaving him alone with his son. He'd grown too hard on the young boy, and he'd distanced himself from his father. Grown up hard and cold. Had his whole life been a basket of mistakes, then? But he had been hurt that time long ago, when he had learnt that Haseena had never trusted him with the truth. And in his temper, he had forced her to choose. He had never had a sibling in his life. Was that why he had not understood why Haseena had refused to live her sister? It had made him furious, when she had put her sister before him and their children. He had wanted to punish her then.
Hadn't he regretted his decision, ever? Oh, he had. Countless times. When he'd fallen ill, specially, when Alisha had died, he'd hoped even more for her presence. Haseena would have known how to hold the family together, how to bridge the gap between father and son, how to apply the soothing balm on their wounds. He had hoped for her presence on those long, lonely nights he had spent alone, had longed to hear her voice and hold her close when he'd seen a couple walk by on the streets, holding each other close and laughing together. He had wanted her voice to wake him up in the mornings, he had wanted her lips to utter his name. But he'd not done it. He'd held on to his hurt and his pride and his ego. He had allowed a rigid shell to form around himself. Was it too late now-to nurse and heal the old wounds? Had he realized his follies too late?
***********
Abhay entered the hospital room. It was still early morning, but Arjun was awake, reclined on the pillows as he gazed out of the window. He turned around at the sound of Abhay entering, his eyes widening slightly as he saw who it was. Their last face-to-face encounter in the office flashed before him. Why was Abhay here after their ugly face-off?
Abhay had decided to have a talk with Arjun before leaving for Shimla. Somehow he felt it was needed. There were to many gaping holes in the part where Arjun was involved.
"W-why did u kill my s-sister?" he asked, his voice even, but Arjun did not fail to notice the underlying tremble in it. Abhay Raichand wasn't as composed as he sounded.
Arjun turned away from him "I loved her" he stated tonelessly, tears glittering unshed in his eyes. "I still do. And I always will."
Abhay slumped onto the seat beside the bed. "It wasn't our mother who kidnapped u all those years ago, Arjun" he said in a defeated voice. "It was her sister, her twin."
Arjun turned back to look at Abhay startled and confused. He blinked. "How did u-I never told any---what do u mean?"
With a sigh, Abhay told him everything from the beginning. "And I guess u killed my sister because u were kidnapped and wanted revenge?" he asked, agony lacing his words. It all seemed so futile...so pointless.
Arjun didn't answer for a few moments, still staring at Abhay. When he spoke his voice trembled. "I never wanted to k-kill her" he said, his voice so quiet that Abhay would have missed it had he not paid attention. "I-when I was kidnapped-those were the worst moments of my life. Now that I know everything I understand. But back then-her behavior..she terrified me....the way she forced me to call her mother..s-she tried tying me up so I wouldn't escape her...she-tried to put me to sleep with pills and all-"
"It's how she was treated when she was younger. She had known force all her life. I bet she knew how to love..only she didn't know how to convey her emotions...her father had made sure of that..." Abhay's tone had turned cold,furious.
"I didn't know it then.." said Arjun sadly. "I-I was five then-too young-and terrified....I fainted from fear I think...and I don't know how I escaped..but when I gained consciousness..I was lying on the roadside...."
"My-my mother-helped..."
Arjun's face twisted in agony. "I didn't know, Abhay. God, it's so dangerous not knowing. Those few hours changed me. I was terrified of strangers...women specially..I was afraid to be alone with them..afraid when they smiled at me...afraid if they touched me---and I was terrified to tell anyone about the incident...I was never the same again.."
He took a deep sigh, and looked at Abhay straight in the eyes, unmasked agony in them.
"And later..when I met your sister..I didn't feel any of those fears...I was so free with her, so myself...and I loved her for it..loved her for freeing me from my demons...from my nightmares...I wasn't afraid to be with her...I wasn't afraid to trust her.....I was so happy..we were so happy together...." He smiled, tears trailing down his eyes..
Abhay sat there numb, frozen, regret over a past he had no control over rising in him like a storm.
"And then..I saw her picture..and I don't know what came over me..I felt betrayed...it was as though those happy moments had never existed..I was that scared boy again..I felt ridiculed..used...I wanted to drink and forget it all..the pain...and the fear..had the love all been a plan? Had that woman found me again through her daughter?..." his lips trembled...
"U know what happened next...I never wanted..I don't know how I had the knife with me...maybe I wanted to harm myself....but not her..even though I thought she had deceived me then,I couldn't hate her...I couldn't harm her..ever...but in that struggle....she got s-stabbed...and I'll never know whether I stabbed her while drunk, or it went in by accident...and I 'll have to live with that knowledge..forever.." he was openly crying now,taking his breath in great gasps....
"It's painful" he said in a choked voice... "This regret..all the guilt..it eats me from within...and I don't know what to do.."
Abhay looked at Arjun, his own tears falling down his face. Silence fell between them, silence heavy with sadness, pain, regret and realizations. Lots of realizations and lots of exposed truths.
Finally Abhay stood up, wiping his tears. "We've all lost" he spoke in a trembling voice, so unlike the voice of the great Abhay Raichand. "We've all lost so much because we haven't known the truth. I hated you before, hated you for taking my sister away from me. Don't think I like you any more now" he added in a stronger voice. "But I'm not holding onto it any more. It's destructive, holding onto things we can't control. As it is, u have punished urself enough and still continue to do so.Goodbye Arjun, I only came to talk to you because I thought we deserved to know some things. Recover well."
He turned on his heel and made for the door. As he turned the door handle, he heard Arjun's voice say weakly. "Just-don't harm my sister for it..She's a gem, and I know she loves you. A lot. I don't know what u feel...but whatever it is, it isn't hate I know. So don't throw it away. Don't make my mistakes."
Abhay turned to see Arjun, lying slumped against the pillows, his eyes closed as he spoke. "I won't" he said curtly, before leaving.
Now, time to meet his mother.