FADING DARKNESS

CHAPTER 27: REALIZATIONS

"Sorry means you leave yourself open, to embrace or to ridicule or to revenge.Sorry is a question that begs forgiveness, because the metronome of a good heart won't settle until things are set right and true. Sorry doesn't take things back, but it pushes things forward. It bridges the gap. Sorry is a sacrament. It's an offering. A gift."
Craig Silvey, Jasper Jones

"Haseena aunty!" Piya tried to be as gentle as she could as she reached down and hugged Haseena aunty lying on the hospital bed. Abhay stood awkwardly near the door, his eyes softening as he gazed at the scene in front of him, while his heart tightened with guilt at the thought of the words he had hurled at Piya in his anger and hurt.
As Piya sat on the stool near the bed,taking hold Of Haseena's hands in hers, Haseena gazed over at her son standing by the door and smiled.
"Come here, Abhay" she said, raising her free hand to beckon him closer, and Abhay moved near,giving her a small smile.
"So, I gather that two of my favourite people are not quite happy with each other at the present moment?" Haseena continued, and her eyes twinkled slightly, although her voice was feeble.
Abhay suddenly felt as though he was a school boy sent to the principal's office after some wrongdoing under the loving and shrewd gaze Haseena sent at both of them. Piya, on the other hand, coloured slightly as she heard the words, feeling extra conscious of Abhay near her.
"Haseena aunty, you need rest..the main priority is that you get well soon.." she began, her words toppling over one another in her haste to change the subject.
"Piya, I am recovering quite positively with lots of rest" Haseena interrupted, a smile tugging the corners of her mouth. "Do you know what will make me well fastest?" she added, looking from one to the other, her smile widening slightly. "knowing that everything is all right between you two."
Abhay felt gratefulness towards his mother increase by leaps and bounds. Haseena had already closed her eyes before Piya opened her mouth again, and gave a sigh. "I feel sleepy now, children. I'll talk to you later, all right? And Abhay, if Piya goes home, be sure to drop her."
"Sleep well, Haseena aunty." Piya whispered gently, standing up and immediately bumping into Abhay, who was standing too close.
Her cheeks reddened more if possible, and shooting a quick daggered glance at him, she hurriedly exited the room. Abhay was quick to follow her.
"Piya! Piya!PIYA!"
"Abhay, hush." Piya stopped and turned to face him at last, glancing around. "This is a hospital, Abhay.You can't just shout!"
"You were not listening." Said Abhay, his voice calm, as he came to a stop in front of her. "I needn't have shouted if you had."
"Ok, look."Piya took a deep breath and spoke quickly, before Abhay could interrupt. "I don't know what games you are playing, telling Haseena aunty everything. She is ill now and the last thing she would need is stress..."
"You've got me all wrong,Piya." interrupted Abhay with a wry smile. "We indeed seem to have a habit of misunderstanding each other don't we?"
Piya flushed slightly but steadily kept eye contact with Abhay.
"What do you mean?"
"I did not tell her anything."Abhay continued. "She understood on her own accord." He sighed, and a look of wonder crossed his face. "Is that how all mothers are? What do you think? Do they understand everything about-about their children without us ever needing to say a word?"
Piya felt a sudden lump form in her throat at his words. It struck her, not for the first time, just how lonely he might have been, that beneath all those layers of the cold Abhay Raichand, there was that little boy Abhay, who had starved for his mother's love. It also struck her, that the real Abhay and Piya were not very different from each other either.
"I don't know," she said, turning her eyes away from him, suddenly apparently very interested in the plain whitewashed walls. The lump in her throat and she could feel a prickling sensation behind her eyelids. "Maybe they are. My own mother died long ago. Madhu and I hardly had mother-daughter relations."
She hated how choked her voice sounded, how vulnerable she appeared in front of Abhay. But before she had time to think, two strong arms enveloped her, and she found her head resting against his chest, which fell and rose to his heartbeats.
"I know, Piya, I know.." his voice vibrated in her chest, and she gave up her fight against her tears, and they flowed freely, wetting her cheeks and his shirt. "I know you may not believe me, but,I...I understand. I am not good with words...the more words I say...the more I hurt you..." He gave a sigh, and it fanned her hair, as his arms comfortingly tightened around her. "And all I can say is sorry. It is not enough I know, but how to describe how guilty I feel? How can I"I hate myself- how I have hurt you-you-you have stood by me through everything-in spite of everything-you who love me inspite of the monster I have been-even when the reasons for you to hate me increases, you go on loving me. How can I repay that, Piya? How can I ever repay that?"
By loving me back, her heart spoke the words, but she kept silent. They stood there quietly, unaware of the world around them, of the people passing them in the corridor, of time steadily ticking by.
"Madhu came to see me today.." she spoke after a long time, her voice coming out quiet and muffled. The words came out of their own accord, over a willingness to share them. The burden of carrying them alone was too great, and after all that was happening she no longer had the strength to carry them all.
"What?" asked Abhay. He pulled back slightly, to look at her, his eyes narrowed. His chest constricted at the sight of the tears, and wordlessly he reached out to wipe them off, his brow furrowed in some inner turmoil. Piya felt more tears come, but she fought them off, biting her lower lips in the attempt. Who was this man? The one who showed concern for her, or the one who hurt her? Who was real?
"Madhu...was here.." Piya repeated quietly, pushing her conflicting thoughts to the back of her mind.
"And?" His eyes were still narrowed, and as she chanced a glance up at him, she could see that his jaws were clenched. "Did she hurt you? Did she-?"
"No.." Piya cut him short.In brief, she told him about their conversation.
"And what? Are you going back?" Abhay asked, his jaw still clenched.
Piya shook her head. "Not right now. I think..no,actually I do not know what to think. But One thing is for certain. I am not going back. At least now now." Her voice grew stronger. "I doubt I ever will. This place has given me an identity, it has kept me in one piece during...during difficult times", here her voice faltered slightly, and she saw pain flash across his eyes. "But right now, I'll go to the orphanage, I think." She added, a genuine smile lighting up her face at the thought of meeting the kids again.
"I'll drop you." Said Abhay quietly. "No. Don't you dare argue with me on this." He almost snapped as she opened her mouth.
Piya realized that it would be fruitless to argue and followed him quietly.
*********
iya kept silent during the ride and Abhay did not like it. He wanted to hear her voice, and for the first time in his life maybe, racked his brains to initiate a conversation with the girl who loved him.
"You seem to love the kids in the orphanage very much." He started, mentally slapping himself. Of all other topics, he had to choose how much she loved kids. Piya couldn't help throw a surprised glance at him .
"Yes I do. They're jewels. No one who knows them can help loving them." A smile lit her face at the thought and Abhay found himself wishing that her face would light up like that when she talked about him. Piya was speaking again and he forced his attention to her voice. "You'll love them, too, Abhay, I'm sure of it." She was saying, her voice softer, much more like the voice she had used last night when they were together beneath the stars. Was it only yesterday that she had seemed so happy to be with him. He sure knew how to kill that happiness. Clearing his throat, he tried to make small talk again.
"So erm...that means that you are happy with the job at school? Surrounded by kids...I hope you do not regret the fact that they decided to rethink their decision and appoint you?" Abhay asked.
"No"I-how did you know that?" Piya asked, confusion sinking into her mind at the same time as Abhay realized what he had let slip in his desire to converse.
He kept silent, but by now he knew Piya quite well to understand that she would not let it go, and sure enough, she asked, comprehension dawning on her face. "Did you...did you have something to do with it?" He didn't answer, choosing to concentrate on the roads ahead instead,wishing and knowing at the same time that it would be futile to wish that she stopped questioning.
"You-you-Abhay answer me!" Piya's voice rose in anger and ecoed inside the car. Abhay gritted his teeth. There would be no escaping now. He brought the car to a stop at one side of the road. He couldn't concentrate on driving while answering her, now, could he?
He might as well clear up the mess before he drove again, or he'd land them both in the hospital. There were enough people in there already.
Taking a deep breath, he turned to face Piya, his eyes widening slightly at the look in her eyes as she stared right back at him.
"Piya, look I promise I didn't interfere...at least not the way you think.." he began.
"Then how exactly did you interfere?" Piya snapped. "And how did you even know?"
"I-I had come here on business back then...and I saw you.." Abhay paused, his mind going back to that time long ago. How he'd longed to right the wrongs he'd done to her.
"And..and you were talking to Misha..saying-that-that they didn't accept you-at the school.." he averted her eyes now, his ears growing red as he admitted to his eavesdropping "and I wanted to help..so I went there..."
Piya slumped back in her seat, and Abhay watched with alarm as moisture covered her eyes again.
"I"I don't believe it...you were there...where? How? And all this time...I thought..they accepted me because they thought you were deserving...but the truth is that you..you.." she suddenly turned around, grabbing his collars, and he let out a gasp of surprise as her eyes blazed again. "How'd you manipulate them ,Abhay Raichand, into accepting me? And what was your motive? You liked insulting me..didn't you?Not that it's much better now...but why were you trying to help me? I didn't need your favour! I don't want to be in your debt! I can stand up on my own myself!" she shouted, shaking him by the collars now.
"Piya, listen to me, please." Said Abhay quietly, enclosing her hands with his and gently removing them from his collars. He held on to them as Piya fought to wrench them free, feeling hurt about the pain he was causing her. And he felt the pain himself about how she held on to the belief that he wanted to insult her. But he deserved it, he knew, and so he concentrated on removing her pain first. His could wait. It wasn't important.
"Piya, I know you have every right to scream and shout at me, but will you hear me out please?" he said again, his own calmness surprising him. "Let me explain. Back then, you know how much I had hurt you...I still hurt you, I know.." he said, looking disgusted with himself. "But believe me or not, Piya, I had wanted to make amends back then, for what I had done to you. Only I did not know how." He kept his voice steady as he spoke. Piya had stopped fighting now, and as Abhay held her hands in his, she lowered her head crying silently as he spoke. "So when I saw you..back then..I..I wanted to do something..I went there..to the Head's office and spoke to them about you.The Head there knows me on a personal basis, thanks to a project we were both involved in some time ago. I know they usually do not discuss these matters, but I told them to give you a chance." He sighed. "They had liked you during the interview, Piya, are you listening? They were only rejecting you because you had no experience and they were slightly apprehensive as to how you would gel in with the kids. I told them that if they gave you a chance, they would not regret it. If they were not happy with you, they could always find someone else. Of course, I knew that if you were employed, there would be no place for doubt." And Piya looked up at him, hearing the faint note of prde in his voice. Pride...for her? "I told you I knew the Head, Piya, and I knew that even if they reconsidered their decision, they would put you in trial and would only keep you if they are happy with you. And they are, considering you still work there." A corner of his lips raised ever so slightly, and his eyes were ever so soft as they gazed as her, unconsciously pulling her closer to him. "That's all I did, I swear. I just told them to give you a chance. And the credit is all to you, to your talents, that you are still a teacher there." There was no mistaking it now, the pride in his voice was more pronounced now. "I assure you, Piya, you owe me nothing for it. You are indebted to your own talents and goodness maybe, but not to me. Never to me."
They stared at each other in the silence of the car, barely aware of anything else. Abhay pulled her closer so that their foreheads touched, and Piya shivered at the contact, her eyes closing as her mind still tried to register all that he'd said. She did not know what to say. And could anything even be said? His fingers wordlessly wiped away her tears, for the second time that day, and she let him, her mind whirling. Make amends, he had wanted to make amends, genuinely wanted it. Why else would he do all this without her knowing about it?Maybe she never would have known it, had he not let it slip while talking.
After what seemed a long time, he let her go, pulling away with a sigh.
"I'm really sorry, Piya, if I caused you pain. Nothing I ever do seems to be right." He spoke softly, more to himself than to her. She started to speak, but her voice got lost in the roar of the engines as he turned the key. And she didn't have the courage to say it again.
"Let's get you to the orphanage", he said, starting to drive.
**********
Later, as she sat at the orphanage that day, assuring the kids that Haseena aunty was better, while her mind repeated Abhay's words over and over in her head, Misha came up to her.
"Well, I'm glad you're here" she told Piya, a concerned look in her eyes. "I have to go to the hospital now, and I hope you're staying the night here?" Piya nodded. "I will Mish."
Misha nodded. "Good.I have a day off tomorrow. So looking after them won't be a problem. We need to get a couple of others to look after these children as well. Can't leave them alone for long now, can we?" She bit her lip, as Piya looked at her confused. "The kids are scared" Misha added. "and they need constant company of someone responsible. And also" she lowered her voice. "The kidnappings are increasing these days, you know, we must be careful. A child of one my friend's relatives was kidnapped the other day." Misha looked distressed as she looked around. "Look at these innocent angels. Who would ever want to harm them?"
"Mish, we'll take care of them, all together, don't you worry" Piya said comfortingly.
After Misha had gone, she sat there with one of Haseena aunty's books in her hands, watching the children play.
For the first time since in the car earlier that day, her mind was revolving around something else, something that she had pushed to the back of her mind during all the troubles that had followed. It was only after her conversation with Misha that she remembered. The words from the diary swam in front of the eyes. Arjun Bhai had been kidnapped once, hadn't he? He hadn't mentioned anything about it, ever. No one had in fact. Should she ask her brother about it? Would it e too unpleasant to ask about it? And would there be any use, bringing up a sordid event that had happened long ago? She bit her lip, her brow furrowing. Maybe her brother never talked about it because he was too frightened of it and refused to face it? For her, talking always lightened the burden. Would it do the same for her brother? Maybe she would ask him, just in passing. She sighed, feeling suddenly tired, wishing nothing more than to slip into oblivion now.
That sounded like the best idea she'd come up with in a long time.