Love and Other Stupid Things (2016)

16 Things I Will Never Tell the Person I Love

16 things I will never tell the person I love.

1. You are my home. A shelter I long for when my mind is in amidst of a storm. That whenever my thoughts would overpower my capacity to remain optimistic, I would cling on to you like you're my safe haven. That with you, I could withstand the storm you cannot see within my thoughts. That with you, I would feel always safe.

2. My mind is a dark place to live in. One time, I will just decide to ignore you like you never even existed in my life. Other times, I would cling on to you so much that it will become annoying and you might decide to just leave me for being too toxic, or annoying, or fucked up, or all of the above. But if you do decide to endure my fucked up mind, please don't try to know what's going on inside my head. Please don't understand me. You will never understand me and that's okay. I just want you to be there for me, to be my shelter, to be my home.

3. I will almost always get panic attacks throughout our relationship. I am always afraid that you'd leave me. I always have this constant thought of you walking away from me, and I will be left alone, with broken pieces of myself I couldn't put together. I am always afraid of you leaving because;

4. My heart had been scarred so much, I don't know the feeling of being constantly in love anymore. But

5. I still love you despite my incapacity to know what constant love is. I still love you no matter what happens because;

6. You are my home, and you will always be my home. Even when I get lost out of love, I'll just think of you and I will be home. I will be happy. I will be home.

7. I see ghosts you never see. Sometimes, you'll just see me blankly staring at the corner, or sometimes you'll just see me coocooned within my blankets, inside my room, with all the lights off. Those are the times when I see the ghosts staring at me. Those are the times when the ghosts of depression and anxiety is looking straight into me. And if I decide to just randomly cry out of nowhere, please remember that;

8. My mind is a dark place to live in. There are times when I cannot control my own emotions, and if that happens, please don't come near me. I will just yell at you as my defense mechanism because I'm already so frustrated that I'm so mentally fucked up and I don't know what to do with myself. Please do not try to understand me whenever I get like this. You don't have to understand me because;

9. You are the light in my life of darkness. Just be there. Just be there. I just need you be there. That no matter how fucked up my thoughts get, just seeing you there sheds some light in my mind full of darkness. So whenever I get depressed, or anxious, or anything, just be there. You may not see it but it helps. A lot.

10. I can get extremely clingy sometimes. I will just hug you for no reason. I will just hold your hand for no reason. I will ask you stupid questions just to keep the conversation going. I would endure the horrors of small talk, if that's what it takes to talk to you forever. Know that there will be times that I would just wanna cuddle with you. And hug. And hold your hand. And be with you. And kiss you. And spend everything with you. Know that I could get like this because;

11. My heart had been scarred so much, I don't know the feeling of being constantly in love anymore. And I am hoping you could be the one who could finally show me how constant love is. I am hoping that you could be with me forever because;

12. I LOVE YOU. You became the air and dust that fills my lungs. You give me more reason to breathe. You give me more reason to be okay. That despite the fact that I am not okay, and I might never be okay, you give me something to be okay about. You help me get out bed. You help me go through another day. You are the rainbow I always see after the storm of dark thoughts inside my head. You make me happy.

13. If I do decide to tell you all of this, I hope you would still love me. I hope you would still embrace me. I hope you would still hold my hand. I hope you wouldn't leave me. That despite me being so mentally unstable, you will still love me anyway. But if you decide to leave me after knowing all this, it's also okay because;

14. My mind is a dark place to live in. And I want you be happy. I don't want you to be living with a grenade that would just explode without warning, detonating everything he loves, everything that matters. I don't want to hurt you. And if you're thinking about me, I will be okay, even if it looks like I will not be, I will be okay. I will be okay despite my fear of you leaving out that door because;

15. My heart had been scarred so much, I don't know the feeling of being constantly in love anymore. I am already used to people leaving me. I am already used to heartbreaks. And if you decide to add a scar in my heart, I would still love you anyway because you showed me temporary happiness. And with a fucked up mind like mine, living an ephemeral moment of love and happiness, and having that feeling of having something to live for is something to be treasured forever. So no matter what happens, be it love me or leave me, I just want you to know that;

16. I LOVE YOU.