Love and Other Stupid Things (2016)

I Wish

I Wish...

I wish I was normal.
I wish I never cried about pointless things. I wish I was strong enough not to give in to life's problems.
I wish I had the demeanor of a lion, I wish I know how to keep roaring even if I'm wounded. I wish I know how to be brave. I wish I know how not to be a coward, how not to run away from problems when I'm scared, how not to wallow in a corner and cry when life gets dark.

I wish I was normal.
I'm getting tired of sleepless nights already. I'm getting tired of listening to voices drowning my capacity to remain optimistic in a world that's trying to put me down. I'm getting tired of panic attacks, of heavy breaths, of screams inside my head, of thoughts that nothing gets better. I'm already getting tired of being tired.

I wish I was normal.
I wish my skin wasn't paper. I wish my heart wasn't brittle. I wish I never have to put my happiness into other people's hands just because I cannot carry them due to all the negativity I'm already carrying. I wish I never had to be like this. I wish I had thicker skin or a harder heart. I wish I never knew how great the feeling of being loved is.

I wish I was normal.
I wish my life isn't like this. I wish I could turn my life back so I could see when I fucked things up and fix it so I wouldn't be like this. I have always been the bad friend, I have always been the one responsible on why other people get tired too.

I wish I was normal.
Sometimes, I just can't help myself. I want to isolate. I want to be alone. Because I don't want people to know that I'm about to explode. Sometimes, I just can't help myself, I've been trying to fix myself but alas, my hands are too clumsy so I keep breaking it more.

I wish I was normal.
I'm getting tired of reading the same book to cheer myself up. I'm getting tired of drowning myself to happy songs just to try and be positive. I'm getting tired of hearing, "Just don't think about it and you'll be fine" and believing them. I'm getting tired of picking myself up and stumbling down in just a few steps. I'm getting tired of temporary solutions.

I wish I was normal.
To be honest, I don't even know why I'm still here. I don't even know why I keep searching for the happiness I lost that I may never get back. I don't even know why I try to find genuine love in people I meet everyday after getting slammed to the ground multiple times.

I wish I was normal, or I wish I wasn't here at all.

They always say that life is not for the faint of heart...so I ask myself, "Why am I still here?"