The Perfect Storm

Have Faith in Me

The withdrawal symptoms kept getting worse and worse. I was constantly sick, and I never wanted to leave the bus.  Light hurt. Moving hurt. Breathing hurt. And worse of all? My self harm got worse.

I was always cold. I hid under my hoodie and sweats. I really wanted to try to go out though. It's Warped Tour. It's supposed to be fun.  I opened the door to the bus, maybe head out to see the guys set today, and the light stung my eyes even with sunglasses on. I sighed and went back in. Ryan, from Falling in Reverse looked up at me sad eyed. He'd been staying a lot on our bus, like Ronnie and Max as well to watch over me when the guys had a signing or went out. I went into the back lounge and sat down. I ended up falling asleep, and was woken up to someone shaking me.

"I got Starbucks." a familiar voice said, waking me from my comfort.

"Is that?"

"Passion Tango Tea. Yup." Ricky smiled. I smiled back.

"Thanks." I said, sitting up a little. I probably looked like a wreck.

"You deserve a treat. You're really pulling yourself around. You're starting to look like you're old self again.

"I look like a bum." I smirked a bit.

"A cute bum though." He laughed.

I cuddled into Ricky sipping my tea.

"Hey Ricky..?"

"Yeah Scar?"

"When I get better, can we try again?"

"I'd like that." He said kissing my forehead.

I couldn't help myself, maybe it was the lack of drugs. Maybe it was because I still loved him. Maybe it was because I felt ugly and wanted to feel beautiful again. But, I pulled Ricky down to me, and kissed him.

It felt like I was in high school again. Hooking up with Ricky tonight was easily a mistake, but not one I think I'll regret this time. 

Days went by, Ricky hadn't spoken to me. My withdrawal kept getting worse, I was in so much pain I couldn't even sleep.  The only positive side, was I had thrown away my blades. Well, correction. I sat with Josh and emptied everything with him and gave him my blades and drugs.  Part of me regrets it, but I really want Ricky again, and I'm not losing him this time.

I decided to try and walk around the tour today, get back in the habit of seeing people again.

I changed into a pair of black and white short shorts and a Motionless in White tank. I straightened my hair, noticing you could see my brown roots coming through the black and white of my hair. It really has been awhile since I've taken a day to myself hasn't it.   I thought as I put a dark rim of eyeliner around my eyes and I painted my lips black, thinking about how I really wanted to get my tongue pierced. Once I finally thought I looked perfect, I tossed on my high top converse, and attached my pass to my belt loop.

I checked the schedule for the day and saw the guys would be getting ready to take the stage since they were up first for the day. I ran to main stage to see the guys go on. I got there half way through the first song, and Chris noticed me. He smiled and waved for me to come on stage. I shook my head no, but then Ricky saw me. He waved for me to come out too, and as soon as the song was done, Chris walked over to me and dragged me out on stage.

"I want everyone to meet our good friend, and Balz's little sister, Scar. I think in honor of her coming out today, we should all play a new song for you guys from our record 'Reincarnate' that's coming out later this year." Chris smiled. I really hoped he wasn't doing what I thought he was doing.

"Scar, remember that song you helped us out on, Break the Cycle? You helped me get through the clean vocals on that? I want you to sing it with me." He whispered away from the mic. Balz had come over and hugged me from behind.

"You look good sis, please do it. I miss having you up here with me."

"Okay I'll do it. But does Ryan know drums for that part?" I said looking towards the drum kit to see Vinny. I waved at him and he smiled at me.  "Nevermind. lets go." Balz went back behind his keyboard and Ricky handed me a mic.

"This songs called Break the Cycle." Chris smiled as everyone started playing their respective parts and when Chris started, I took over on clean vocals. I kept glancing at him and Josh the entire performance.  Once the song was over, the crowd went wild. I put the mic back on the stand and ran off stage. I was terrified that something else would happen because of my scars. They are healing up nice, but you can still see them. They are just really dry and itchy and I can't be afraid anymore but I am. I still am. I went back behind the MIW merch table that was around the corner from the stage and waited for the guys to text me or come looking for me. I helped sell a few shirts, and took a picture with a few fans, who recognized me. They were all pretty nice, I even had someone who said they weren't a fan of Motionless say that they heard about my self harm and they were proud to see I was getting better and that I was really an inspiration to them. It made me smile knowing my fuck ups can help others. 

After what felt like forever, but was probably just an hour, Chris came by.

"You were really good up there." He smiled, helping me to my feet. I smiled up at him, and he pulled me into a hug. 

"I was so scared, I almost forgot the words. But that is my favorite song from the record, thanks for letting me sing it with you."

"I'm sorry, but can I try something real quick?" Chris asked and before I could answer, he pulled me into a kiss. I kissed him back, lacing my fingers into his hair. He held my body close to his, and this time? I felt no lust or want for more. I felt love. I pulled apart from him and I couldn't speak. He mumbled a sorry, and started to walk away.

"I missed that Chris." I said, causing him to stop.

"You did?"

"Chris, I really did love you. We just weren't ready for a relationship. Hell, I still do love you. But things are complicated right now." I thought of Ricky. "I'm getting better. If you can deal with that, I would like to see where we can go."

He smiled. "I'd like that." He stepped closer to me and held me to him. I felt safe in his arms, the one thing I never felt with Ricky. I never felt safe anymore with him.  I yawned a bit, and Chris laughed.

"You really aren't used to being out again are you?"

"Chris.. I have no idea where we even are. I haven't been out of that bus in forever. I didn't even know Vinny was back."

"Come on." He said throwing me over his shoulder.

"Wait." I said, climbing around and gripping the back of his neck. Chris carried me back into the bus and he set me down in the back lounge on the couch and tried to leave. I wouldn't let him and pulled him back down to me.

"You need sleep."

"I need you." I whispered. And like that, Chris was mine all over again.

I fell asleep cuddling Chris, and woke up to Balz shaking us awake. I was wearing his shirt and Chris was shirtless.

"Scar, get dressed. We're going for a walk." he said, glaring at Chris.

I threw on my shorts, tied my hair up into a messy bun and I couldn't find my eye drops so I took out my contacts and tossed on my old glasses. 

Even dressed as a bum, I looked pretty good.

"Lets go." Josh said and led me off the bus.

"What's up broski?"

"I thought you were with Ricky." He said flatly.

"Chris makes me feel safe."

"He hurt you just like Ricky did."

"Chris leaving me was actually good. It gave me a reason to get better. He told you, knowing I was hurting you was the only downside to everything." I sighed. I did still want to be with Ricky, but Chris wanted me.

"Then why did you sleep with Ricky only to sleep with Chris a week later."

"Ricky happened. I don't know how you know, but it did. It was a mistake. I don't regret it, but I'm not going to let them hurt me again. Please trust me Josh."

"How can I trust you after everything you've done? After I had to clean you up in our bathroom because you got too high and tore into you're thigh a month and a half ago, which is finally healing. How can I trust you when you said you would be okay, and then a few days later start shooting up heroin. How can you just expect me to forget you crying in pain cuddled into me in my bunk because everything hurt without the drugs in your system. Tell me how I can trust you to make good decisions for yourself Scarlet?" He sighed, frustrated.

"You just need to have faith in me." I said. We started making our way back to the bus after that, and went our separate ways.