Dear You,

Farin || Calloway

Hey Fare. It's been a while.

Yes, I know that you know it's been awhile. I also know that you love hiatuses. I don't. All this time, I've been alone with these thoughts that travel across the coasts of my brain. The waves crash on each coast like there's gonna be a tsunami on one side and a hurricane on the other. God, you left me alone with these deadly thoughts and I don't know if I can love you after the damage these winds have done to the cities in my head.

There's a song that's been playing in my head for a good year of our split. Yes, I do know that it was playing in a loop in my head for half of our break. In fact it's your favorite song. I broke it down for you so that you can break down when you hear it--exactly like how I break down when I think of you. God, the pain is excruciating.

I haven't experienced love. Love experienced me, and I feel bad to see something so beautiful turn wretched. I watched red roses wither and burn in flames just to turn into ashes. A box of chocolates melted under my gaze, and I am so sorry, Farin. I am so sorry for not being sorry at all. You loved hiatuses, don't you remember? I said that before but it was said so many sentences ago that you can't even remember.

And in a way, that's my love for you. When you left, it was vibrant red, coals burning in the night sky. I was passionate and I loved you. But in the end, you repelled me because you turned out to be water. I loved you so much that you slowly put me out. These past two years, I was extinguished.

As we all know, even the slightest light from coals can reignite the fire. I wish that would be true for us, Fare. I wish that I could look at you and smile the way I used to. I wish that I could once again feel the way my heart raced when I heard your voice. You used to trigger all of my happy memories but now, I associate you with something else. The way the roses fell into flames was the way my version of you disintegrated.

So I never saw you. When we made our "hiatus," I made sure to leave whenever I heard you were going to be anywhere near me. Every single one of my actions were based on getting away from you, but no matter how much I tried, you were always still in my heart and my head.

I saw you in the ways the stars sparkled in the sky. The sunrise over the mountains sent me in a trance that led to memories of your silky orange hair. A small child's laugh would make me think about the day I visited you at the daycare you worked at. The slightest glimpse of cerulean would make me think of those eyes of yours. Your being seemed to exist in my memories, but not in real life.

Then we got older. It went from days to weeks to months. It hurts to fall in love because you're blindsided by this person (you) that you can't control these feelings for. You do things because you love them so much. It hurt to lose my best friend because he felt that he couldn't spend any time with me anymore. It hurt that my little sister thought that all of my time was devoted to you. It hurt to see the look of disappointment my grandfather would give me when I told him that I couldn't go fishing with him "this one time." That one hurt the most because I didn't know it was my last opportunity the universe had given to me to let me spend time with him.

Love deprived me of all these people who had once meant something because I thought you were the one.

But luckily the climb out of love is when things get better without me noticing. Yeah, I know, right? I never let anything slip by me. Everyone came back to me like I had gone back to them. My best friend can openly talk to me without thinking that I'll tell you every little detail. My sister knows damn well that I have time set aside for her so that we can go to the park that my grandfather and I used to fish at.

I have grown new roses in place of the ones that had turned to ashes. That emptiness that I thought existed within me has been filled. The cities ravaged by tsunamis and hurricanes are being built back stronger than ever. Everything that reminded me of you started to remind me of other things that made me happy. It's like you moved out and left no signs of your presence there.

Things feel great, and it's because of this "hiatus" that we have going on for us. You told me that we can have coffee someday and talk about whether an "us" should still be a thing.

That's why I'm writing this letter. Because I don't have time to meet up with you, whenever it is. I have more important people in my life who will be there for me when I need them most.

On that note, let's make our hiatus permanent. Shall we?

Not yours,

Calloway