The Ramblings of the Mentally Unstable

My Thoughts at Night 9

I don't need you I've realized in all of this my friends and some family have been here holding me up
I appreciate the time we had you helped me grow up but now it's my turn to learn for myself. I need to experience life for myself and trust me I'll do it with a kid at my side. It's stupid to say you can't love again. It's stupid to say you can't have a normal relationship. We are built to love to hurt to feel. You can't deny feelings. I loved you when you hurt me and finally, I am accepting that I can live without you. I've realized you are not the whole world. I'm not going to be bitter about it. I hope that your depression lifts. I hope that someday you can find someone who will help you. I'm not the right person to help you. I've been writing a book solely about my feelings and I realized it's been helping me sort my problems out. This will be my best entry in it.
-Loveless_Jenova-
Hello guys,
Loveless here my real name is ^$^%$ I am twenty years old. Let me tell you my story. When I just turned 18 on my birthday I tried to kill myself. I admitted myself to a mental hospital. It wasn't a great place. When I got out though my mom told me about her new co-worker at her job. His name was (*&^ he was 24 and he knew everything that had happened to me. We talked for a while over Facebook before he started flirting with me trying to get me to send pictures. I was lonely so I did. Then he asked if I wanted to hang out the day after Christmas. I agreed and my friend gave me a ride to his parent's house where he was staying. We had what I guess was supposed to be a one night stand. After a while, my life was going nowhere so I moved to another state to live with my brother and his new wife. I got a job as a waitress and I loved it. I loved my job, my co-workers, the people who came in all the time. I didn't like staying with my brother anymore his wife was psychotic. My brother is prone to having seizures he hasn't had one in years though one night he did and when he came out of it he flipped out and left the apartment. I chased after him and found him lying in the road having another seizure. When I was for sure it was over I calmly explained what had happened. Then his wife called and asked me where he was at I told her I'd tell her in a minute when I was positive he wasn't going to have another. I told her he was kicking and throwing his arms around and I didn't want her to get hurt. She eventually found us and called me a stupid bitch and tried to hit me. I started talking to joey again and I told him I'd grown to love him more than friends. He was willing to work it out and try for something together. So I quit my job I moved back home. I gave up everything for him. That summer he asked me to marry him. I said yes. The day after his birthday we finally moved out. It was a crappy apartment but we had each other. Then the novelty wore off for him. He became more reclusive and secret. He was nosier. I was still struggling to find a job. As the holidays rolled around we were fighting more. I started to fall into a severe depression that I couldn't seem to kick. One night I was using his phone calculator to figure out how to make ends meet. I got frustrated and just started playing around on calculator and punched in .8008 you know boob. It opened something a secret photo gallery. It was sexual pictures of women. Pictures he'd taken as well. I backed out instantly and gave his iPhone back. I felt like I'd been slapped. I never mentioned it to him. It only got worse from there. By summer he made us move back in with my parents. It was all going great I got a job. But as the end of November rolled around we were fighting more than ever finally one night he couldn't take it anymore and while he was at work he ended it. Now its December and I've seen our baby on an ultrasound screen. A tiny little blip of existence. I loved it almost instantly. Now its February and I've miscarried. Now I don't know what I feel.
-Loveless_Jenova-