My Only One ●NovaHD●

04.

To be honest, I wasn't quite sure what I wanted. Half of the time I wasn't even sure where I stood with my feelings for him. I liked him, that was for sure. Did I live him though? I still didn't know the answer after months and it was consuming my thoughts, taking over my mind nearly completely. Not being able to think straight because I was questioning my feelings towards some boy was killing me inside and frying my mind.
    He didn't know that I knew and was still continuing on with life as if we had never even happened. Maybe Eddie was wrong and he didn't love me. Maybe it was an easy end to a relationship he didn't want to be in. Maybe he couldn't bare the thought of being with me when I even know who I was, nevermind who he was. I had forgotten our love and needed him to remind me of it - but he didn't. He left me when I needed him most and it was tripping me up, mentally of course. The feeling is so hard to describe; a mixture of feeling shit, unwanted, betrayed, cheated, unloved, even blanked at some points.
    I wondered if he even thought of me that was anymore. If he missed the way we were, whatever way that was. I wish I could fucking remember it but I couldn't, and still fucking can't. All those memories are his and only his. But they used to be mine! Life swooped in like a bird on its prey and stole them away from me! It. Is. Unfair. How dare he be able to keep something so imporant and significant in my life to himself. The worst part was the thing that he was able to keep... was himself. And that made it worse, way fucking worse.
    Everyday was the same things, same people, and it was getting boring. I wanted more excitement and more than just my friends. I felt that I was getting to the age that I would like to settle down at but was too.. nervous to date? Maybe afraid? I don't exactly remember what was stoppig me from doing it - but I know it wasn't him.
    Finding someone to go on a date with might that been the issue. A few friends from the office wanted to set me up with some of their friends and that's when I knew I needed someone, fast. It was always the same description: 'really nice', 'pretty', 'sweet', 'great personality' and other bullshit similar to that. To me it screamed, 'desperate'. I swore that I would never let someone set me up after the first offers, which came from Stefani and 'intern' Joe.
    Other than that I guess I was doing quite okay. The hin was growing - but with the growing - came the hate. He comments section had become a battlefield and if you commented, you were bound to get slain. It was like they had created a 'new fan' vs 'old fan' mentality and declared war based on it. Honestly it was stupid, but they couldn't be stopped because there would be a riot if we took the comments section away again. At first we tried banning and taking down comments but it didn't work either.
    Jordan was stressing over all of the hate being thrown at singular creatures and all of the interns. He had accepted that not everyone would be like every creature, intern or the idea of interns at all but he felt it was going far. Being the boss man, Jordan was scared of it upsetting someone in the office and them not wanted to work with us anymore - or worse - they would suffer in silence.
    Kevin had ended up in fatal car crash and wasn't doing so well. It was very tough on him both physically and mentally and we were all well aware of it. He was losing money recovering in different ways and it was bringing him down, as well as nearly losing his life at the same time. His hospital bills were piling up, we wasn't about to make videos for his YouTube channel or the hub's channel and he also couldn't stream.
    He came out here to be part of our group - our family - and we were sure as hell going to treat him like he was. As part of this we were thinking about letting him live with Aleks and I until he got back on his feet again. Kevin couldn't afford to pay rent and shouldn't have to when his hospital bills were that high, so why not? We had a spare bedroom, food was always somewhere in the house, it would be easier for him to get to the office when he felt up to it again and we would love to have him about. I know him and Aleks were really close and he was a good friend of mine so it would be good to have him about.
    Everything was falling into place and settling down again... Maybe Aleks and I would too because behind all of my doubt, I sure as hell loved that man.