PHAN FICTION

The Battle

A/N

So Dan is battling with his inner feelings about Phil. ( back when they first met in 2009) Thanks for reading, loves!

Dan's POV (the whole thing will be in Dan's POV)

I had nobody. Not one true friend. The world was dull and stupid. Really no reason, that I had found, to be alive. Well, that all changed two days ago, when I met my favorite YouTuber, AmazingPhil, in person, for the first time.

Phil is unlike any person I have ever met before. He brings light in to my otherwise depressingly dark existence. He makes me feel so wanted, so cherished. The endless Skype calls and the hours of texting were the most joyful moments of my life.

I would sit at my phone and computer, waiting for a text or a call from Phil and whenever he made contact, my heart nearly stopped.

Sitting on the train a couple of days ago, knowing I was only a couple of hours away from meeting Phil, was probably the most exhilarating experience I have ever had. And when I met him, God. We hugged like lovers that had known each other their whole lives but had been kept apart for years. That is exactly how it felt.

That hug, oh my god, that hug. It was like a moment where I truly felt safe. It was like I had been waiting all my life for it. Phil is the most amazing human I have ever met. But, should I feel this way? Should I be talking this way about a man? Do I have feelings for Phil? Am I gay? Am I bi? I didn't think I was but now, I'm not so sure.

And if I am, I'm under the impression Phil's not. What's gonna happen if I do like him, or. . . love him? I don't want the only good thing in my life to be torn from me. I can't get attached. But it seems like I already have.

{Later that day}

I walk in to Phil's bedroom and start talking to him about Youtube and other various things. It is kind of hard to focus, though. Whenever he starts talking, my eyes glaze over and I start thinking about him. Him and his eyes. His endless, beautiful, blue eyes. And his voice. So deep, inviting, and warm. I wish I could just lean over and kiss him right now. I wish I could, but life doesn't seem to work that way, does it? All of your actions have consequences. As much as I want to lean over and kiss Phil with all of the energy I have, I simply can't.

Wait, wait, wait. Did I just think that? I am not supposed to feel this way. I'm straight. So is Phil. He is my best friend. Stop, Dan. Just stop with these thoughts. You're not in love with Phil. You don't feel that way about him. You don't. You can't.

"Are you okay?" Phil asks. Oops, ummmmm. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. I guess my mind wandered a bit." I replied. I just love how he cares so much. STOP IT, DAN!

"So I was thinking that maybe we could film that video we were gonna make, tomorrow." Phil says. "Sure. That sounds good. I'm kinda nervous but I'm also super excited for this." I answer. "Perfect. Good night, Dan."

"Night." I reply. God, even his voice makes me tremble. There's no denying it. I like him. More like love him. I can't take this. Any of it. I spent my whole life just knowing that I was straight. And suddenly, Phil comes along and changes all of that? Why? Now everything is gonna be more complicated. It's all because I have feelings. Maybe I can try to just stop feeling, in general. Life would be easier.

But would it be living? Seems more like a cruel existence. But so is this. Loving him, knowing that he doesn't love me back. When I hear his voice, my knees grow weak. When I look in to his eyes, I get lost in his soul, and when I talk to him, my mind wanders in to a complete state of nothing and everything. All I can think about is how much I love him and his existence. How much he means to me and what would happen if he weren't here anymore.

It's so painful knowing that when he hears my voice, it's just a voice, Just a sound. When he looks in to my eyes, there is no depth. They are just eyes. When he talks to me, he is most likely able to focus on what I'm saying, with ease. And then come up with a cohesive, logical response.

I can't think about this anymore. I have to sleep.

{The next day}

"You ready to film?!" Phil asks excitedly. "Of, course. You know I am." I respond.

We start filming and I must say, this is a lot of fun. It makes me kinda happy. Almost, joyful. Like the world doesn't suck. But I know it'll go back to the same within the next few hours. Once remember how hopeless the world is. Oh wait, I just did.

We get to the end of our questions and I say my big line. "This was the most fun I've ever had." And immediately after that Phil tackles me. Once he has me on the ground, he looks straight in to my eyes for the first time. I feel like he is thinking about nothing but me, my eyes, and soul. It was almost like a real connection. Then suddenly, he presses his lips against mine.

My heart races, my mind spins. I wasn't expecting this. It wasn't part of the video, but God, I was engrossed. For the minute or two that it lasted, I didn't think about the world or my life or how terrible existing is. All I thought about was Phil and his lips. And maybe how happy I was. This was like a scenario that couldn't have even played out better in my head. What is this feeling? When you can't think about your life or anything else but this moment. I love Phil. Oh my god, I love Phil.

{While editing the video}

Me and Phil are almost done editing. We come across the tackle and kiss. "Let's edit that out." Phil says. "Yeah. But why don't we keep the tackle? We don't need to hide all of our relationship. We just can't be obvious."
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Well, the whole, not being obvious thing, didn't work out. Now there's this thing called Phan. Yeah, that's our ship name. It being a 'thing' is our faults. But that's ok. We like this thing. A lot.