Catharsis

confession

It was a cloudy day on February 2014, my graduation day. I received so many hugs and praises today. I graduated college with Honors. My parents sat at the audience seats and looked at me with a proud smile on their face. My mother shed a happy tears once (maybe more).

Did you remember? It was almost a year since the last time we met.

After the celebration, I decided to stop by at your place. I prepared a long speech that started with something along the lines of, "Hey Chanyeol, it's been eight years since we became best friend. I know many things had happened, the good and the bad, but I really want to be your best friend for the next eight years too..."

When I rang the bell, no one answered. I pushed the gate and it wasn't even locked. I walked inside and called, "Chanyeol? Are you home? Anyone?"

Still no answer.

The house was a big mess. Trashes and alcohol bottles everywhere and I smelled unpleasant smell all around the room. I heard a strange voice coming from the bathroom so I walked there. You were kneeling in front of the toilet and vomiting your inside out.

I rushed in and fell on my knees beside you, wrapping my both hands around your shoulders to keep you from falling to your side. "Chanyeol! Oh, God. Are you okay?"

You slapped my hands off and raised you head. I saw a pair of drunk red eyes. You turned around to face me but ended up falling onto the floor. "What the fuck do you want?!" you yelled angrily.

"Chanyeol, what happened?"

"It's me being me. Problem?" you answered harsly.

You tried to stand up but your legs were limp. I reached your arm and helped you, but right when i did that, you pushed me away.

"Go! GO! I don't want to see you!"

"Chanyeol--" I approached you, but you pushed me again, that time harder so I almost slipped on the wet floor.

"I said GO!" you shouted at top of your lungs. And suddenly, you started crying. So sad that I could feel my heart broke. You dropped your head on my shoulder and sobbed into my collarbone, and I hugged you tight while whispering, "It's okay. It's okay."

I carried you to your room and laid you on the bed. When I pulled the blanket to your neck, you murmured, "I hate you, Byun Baekhyun. I really hate you."

I stared at your closed eyes.

"You live well and don't... give a fuck about what the others... said. You exactly... know what you want to do. My mom often... said, can you be like your friend Baekhyun? But I can't. Not even a little. You... have both of your... parents. You... graduated. My parents divorced. I dropped out. You have... everything and I... have none. And I hate you... for that."

I felt my eyes burning. No, I wouldn't cry. No.

"And you know what's... worse? You act like you care... about me but you're actually not. And I can't hate you... as much as I want. That's... not fair."

I care about you. I really do! I wanted to yell but my lips were pursed.

After that day, I never tried to meet you again. And you neither.