Hope Beacons (NaNoWrioMo 2015)

Chapter 14

I didn't want to do this anymore. I know I didn't want to do this anymore. I was tired of fighting and keep on. I mean it was getting me nowhere and it felt like it was getting me nowhere. And Each step a took. Each day getting harder and harder. And the nightmares seem to get worse.

It was real, this whole time I was trying to say it wasn't real. That maybe I was going to crazy. That Senka, doesn't exist. That I will be fine and the light was just playing hide and seek from me.

Of course I knew the truth and I knew what would happen soon if I actually gave up. But I didn't see the point. Okay I saw that it affected people. that maybe I was being selfish. I was tired so freak in tired of everything. I was scared and I couldn't believe I blurted out everything, well almost everything to Sam. The Guy who I barely knew who was my brothers friend.

I didn't talk to anyone really but him. And I was so sure I didn't trust him but I just needed someone to talk too. I kind of wondered if I should call my parents instead.

We were still outside in the forest. No closer to finding the light. Lucy was glad they were not hugging and Sam got up to go do something. He said something to me but I didn't hear him. There was some much going on in my head. I rubbed the temples and took breathe. I was okay at least for now. That's what I told myself trying to be positive.

I leaned against the tree and pulled out camera. I hadn't made video for a day or two. Not that I wanted to or that we had time. I just really forgot about it. Now that Senka if that's its true name was with me well watching me.

I put it on little stand and nibbled my lip turned it on and waved awkwardly.

"Hey it's me Lucy of course because yeah." I mumbled softly and mostly because I was being really awkward.

"I don't. there's things happen and the thing made himself known. Yes, I think it's He seems like a He, but really I don't know. Sam saw it but. It doesn't really seem to affect him and more me. It said things... like me giving up. And maybe if I do maybe it would stop" I mumbled softly trying to figure out what to do as I said it.

"Sam says I should keep fighting. And Keep on thinking of reasons why I should. I mean it's easier, it's done just like that but fighting is so hard sometimes but I don't want to stop fighting sometimes. I know people on here look up to me, but Honestly not a great role models I'm sorry if you thought I was. I'm not perfect or amazing or" I took breathe again, there I was going off how well many things negative about myself.

"I'm just me, and I don't even know if I like me right now "I whispered and looked up at the camera rubbed my eyes thinking that was enough for today. I didn't want to videos to be long. I was getting tired anyway. So It didn't matter. I didn't want to matter for now. I put the camera away knowing I couldn't upload a video now.

Sam came back in new clothes. It was random panda t-shirt jeans and shoes. He looked kind of nice. He sat down next to me as looked up at the leaves.

"Are the leaves that interesting" he asked clearly amused as I watched some leaves fall down. One landed on my face making Sam burst out into laughter. It was deep weird laugh and I didn't know how to describe it. I blew on the leaf as it went off my face and landed on my face again. I am groaned as Sam laughed even harder at me. So I took it off my face and threw it at him. Sticking out my tongue he did the same and poked me.

"We Should get going" I mumbled knowing time was well. I have feeling about something and it wasn't good. I got up and stretched but Sam pulled me down and I groaned almost hitting my head on the tree.

"Are you okay that was close, sorry but let's stay here..." he sighed biting his lip for moment. He did that when he was nervous. He was kind of nervous a lately.

"Okaaaaay" I said in your acting really weird voice. And looked at him like he lost it. He didn't look at me which had me worried. Was he planning something?!?!?!

"Everything is fine but I just want to take moment..." he said with shrug. I didn't believe him but I didn't want to him to know that. Maybe if I played around he would show the truth or tell the truth. Okay I didn't know that was going to happen or not but might as well try.

I turned on my phone. I saw that a lot of people my mom and brother, with random people texted me. I mean she didn't show up for school which was weird. But honestly she couldn't. She couldn't be school right now. She just mentally couldn't.

She knew her mental health wasn't the best but figured that the school didn't care about. There wasn't a lot of talk about it. About anything like that. And she was wondering if this whatever he was. Senka was the part of it. She still didn't understand but she tried to understand. But she didn't, she didn't get any of it. Or help that there was help or is help. She didn't get help from anyone before and why would they care now.

The school offered support but said that "finding yourself was made to be after high school. And to shape up and come back".

That was nice of them I thought sadly and looked down social network page I had phone on.

"Hey Lucy, I'm Ali, from your History class. Well we notice that you were not on. Or showed up to school? Are you pregnant or something?"

In my head in well I didn't know the word for it. That comment was well just like the others. And reasons why she never talked to her classmates. Most of them acted like this and wouldn't understand even if she tried to tell them. I knew they would think I was crazy.

I must of been lost in my own thoughts again. Or well staring at my phone like WTF is wrong with it. Sam saw that of course his hand went between me and my phone. He waved his hand and I looked up.

"Are you here Lucy, I thought you went into another world for moment" He grinned at me. The smile was bright and his eyes seem brighter. Man was this boy confusing I thought and shrugged. He sighed and poked me again.

"Yes" I said quietly and he poked him another time. I looked at him. He had a goofy on face this time which made me want to smile Keyword want to smile. Gosh I missed smiling.

He made a goofy face again, trying to make me laugh. He always tired way to hard at doing that. I couldn't smile. I felt sorry for him and fake a smile which he almost took but poked me again.

'You smile when you want too, please don't fake your smile" he said softly but I didn't say anything. I looked at my phone for moment wondering if I should text my family but turned the phone off anyways.

I would bother them anyways. My brother didn't even text me or call me. So I was pretty sure he hated me. I wonder if he hated me as my as I hated myself. But my parents I knew they loved me but It was better if I didn't tell them about everything going on. They didn't want to give up on me but it was better if they didn't know anything. I didn't want them to worry but I knew they would.

"Hey Sam" I said randomly and he looked at me smiling still and moved closer to me.

"Yes" he asked and poked me again. I took a breath and poked him back.

"Where do you go, I mean you often go away a lot and come back after short time. Is everything okay. Did I do something" she asked the last part quietly but he heard her of course.

"Lucy you didn't do anything wrong, I called my mom" he mumbled quietly and I looked at him. He looked down so I couldn't tell since he was hiding his face if he was lying or not.

There was movement and before I could say something to him. Sam said he could check on it and that I should stay here. I felt panicked and made myself small as possible against the tree ready to bolt. I mean it was the woods and it didn't sound like animal. It sounded human and she could hear voices, Sam and someone else but couldn't hear the other one clearly.

I wanted to see who it was but they came closer. I felt nervous and played with phone as Sam walked up with someone behind him. He grinned at me and I looked at him really confused.

"Sam who's that behind you" I asked not really looking and eyes went wide with shock as person showed himself. Himself.

"Hey Sis" Warren, my brother who I thought hated me and didn't want to be here.

"Warren what" I tried to say standing up, I notice Sam leaving us there. And I didn't know if I should hug him or hit my brother.