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How not to write!

- "Yo!"

Who the fuck starts a story with Yo? Embarrassing. Are you a retarded rapper? The writing gods will super glue your hands to your..

- "Ok, so first rule don't start with Yo. Can I finish with Yo?"

- "Just, just.. Forget about Yo for now."

- "Good."

Writing can be sickening. Grammar, vocabulary, structures, plot, characters, and yos. Ugly writing is terrific. Sophisticated writers scary to use simple words, and posh readers who can't survive a misplaced comma. Breaking the rules is fun. Following the rules can be depressing. I'm building the scene now, it will take about three thousand words, and then a GRAND FINALE. Half an hour boredom, but ending with an unforgettable flow of emotions.

- "So, why are you writing?"

- "For the future generations. One day, they will search for top 100 classics that you need to read before you die and they will find it. One day, people will understand my genius and I will smile happily six feet under."

You know what I wonder. How the fuck you got here, reading this abomination of literature. Just stop reading it! Don't read the story, only because I am a best-selling author with more than six million books sold. I'm sorry if it doesn't suit your aesthetic taste, I will cut my appendix to compensate.

Wait, are you in the toilet right now? Well, if that's the case it's understandable. Remember one thing, take your shit slowly, very slowly and close your eyes, take a breath, think how wonderful our world is. Long turds are the best!

That's not even a story, it's something like nothing, but it's clearly not a story. It is supposed to be a story like a good thrilling story with a twist and a very dramatic death at the end, but it's not. Then, the title is obviously misleading and my hundreds of thousands of fans will be disappointed and will want their money back. How cruel. But, wait a second, maybe it's a story. A story of a guy who is too tired of jerking off all day and decided to write about how to not right bad. That was deep. *Gasp*

- "What is the second rule?"

- "You do not talk about the first rule!"

- "Hmm, that sounds familiar. Are you plagiarizing from other books?"

- "Maybe."

Are you learning my dear reader? That what I thought. Anyway, let's continue with the story.. Jack kept going, absolutely exhausted, but extremely motivated to find it. After all of this, he couldn't give up, all fear was gone and the thought of treasure was stronger than ever. One more hit, and a slight metal jangle echoed in the tomb. Another one, the pickaxe broke apart, Jack knew he ran across the treasure chest. The blood was flowing through his veins and tension rushed out in a palpable wave through his chest. The moment of truth.

- The third rule is "Excite the readers, wet their pants, mix their minds".

- "But not like here?"

- "Exactly."

There are so many writers, including myself, that cannot write. So, what? Let them write. One in a million may accidently create something memorable. One line. Six words. One word. More than nothing. Someone would believe in being the next huge writing star, and then fail miserably. So, what? Let them fail miserably. At least, they believed for a second. There's not that big a difference between failing a computer science degree and being a failed writer. In both cases, you end in McDonalds. Write for the sake of writing. Write nonsense. Write sense. Write short stories. Write poetry. Write because you want to work in McDonalds. They actually paid me to say that. I love Big Mac.