Time OFF

Loneliness

My name is Josh Joshua Johnson.

I am sitting here with hands down in my pants, feeling my nuts, and wondering about life. You go through life and no matter how many friends you have and how supportive is your lovely family, you go through life alone. You wake up early in the morning or in the late afternoon, and your first thought is "I really need to let out the beast". Then, you go sit on the toilet cubicle to let out the beast, but you do it by yourself, except you're someone very sick who knows somebody else who is even sicker. You stand up, look at the miracle and smile. Next, you flash the toilet proudly, because you've done something by yourself without the help of anybody. The national security committee gives you a badge of honor for the accomplished mission.

I enjoy loneliness, but sometimes I'm too lonely. I enjoy myself when I'm alone. I'm enjoying myself even now. My right hand can confirm, my left hand can also confirm. Lying under the sheets is my favourite position. Why people listen to sad songs when they are sad and to cheerful songs when they are happy? That doesn't even make sense at all. My therapy is to listen to joyful songs and lie in bed until I fall asleep. People are afraid to be alone. They don't want to die without anybody next to them. At the end, nobody care. Only the warms celebrate with a rotten flesh and a hardened body. Down there, covered with dirt, for the rest of eternity, lonesome and penniless.

I often find myself surrounded by the crowds, yet, feeling empty from inside. Shiny people pretend to be happy and when return back home they sink down like a fatass stone. The coincidence that the darkest thoughts come at the darkest times of the night. Perhaps, it's not a coincidence. Perhaps, it's consequential. When you have nothing to do, you start thinking about everything. You think about the past, you think about the glamorous future. A nice career with a stable income, an okay marriage, two kids to play around, that all you need. You want the normal life that society says it's alright to have. The normal life sucks. Normal people think they are happy, but they are not. Crazy people know there's something wrong, but don't know what.

I am an optimist with pessimistic ideas who believe in humanity's destruction. You know that pessimists earn more money? Looking objectively, there are no many reasons to be optimistic. The biggest problem is that it's too late. We're too advanced to start from scratch again, and we're too smart to realize our own stupidity. You sometimes have brilliant ideas and then you somehow totally forget them. I heard that Newton had thought of relativity, but then forgot about it. The greatest scientists were the loneliest, simply because they didn't want someone's nose stuck in their businesses. You can't come up with the third law of thermodynamics when somebody's constantly distracting you. Albert is calling you for a coffee? Fuck off! I'm inventing the future. I want to be let alone!

I know nothing. Walking down the streets alone, you always have to think of something unless your head is bowed in prayer of the holy smartphone. All of the problems and worries come along at those strolls. In the dark alley, the hideous ghoul is waiting for an easy prey. Thoughts flowing freely in the mind, immeasurable nonsense seizing each particle of the rigid body. Every moment, a flaming meteorite could hit the near library and burn everything down the ground. Then, you die before saying a last goodbye to your dear dog. Charles would mourn of my passing and probably piss on my grave. You can't blame a dog for that. There could be a sorrow enough to break a dog's heart. You're priceless Charles, remember it. Don't listen to those stupid dog psychiatrists. You're number one in my heart!

I am shattered after that long productive day. You feel the productivity running through your veins and think that you're the holy lord sent to bring Nirvana to the unenlightened masses. That's the only reason to be misunderstood by the rest. I wonder what God does when he is tired. Perhaps, he sits on a massive couch, rolls a fat joint, and then listens to Bob Marley in pure delirium. That's why our world is so fucked up. God was too busy to chill out and forgot about us. Can you blame him, though? If you were in the same situation, I bet you would do exactly the same. Screw the people, they will die anyway. So, before you judge God, judge yourself first, motherfucker. He created this beautiful world for us, he has the right to have a spliff or two. Imagine how good the grass is up there, you will be holy high.

I was talking about loneliness and then came up to God rolling joints. I'm really messed up, I think my childhood wasn't too bad, though. Maybe, something in the puberty went wrong and there we are, isolated from the civilization, in private with our thoughts. I often start thinking about something and then stop for a second and wonder if I had spent too much time thinking about that. And then I waste so much time thinking whether I think too much. The cycle is complete, but then I realise I'm very hungry and go to hunt mammoths. Mammoths are cool, man. I'm sorry we need to kill them, but at the end of the day we're on the top of the pyramid and have to keep our reputation. I'm overthinking sometimes, reality is simpler. You go, you eat, you fuck, and sleep. That's it, simple. The alternative is you stay alone and think about life.

My name is Josh Joshua Johnston.