He can't be dead...

Chapter 5

Dan was...going to propose to him? The simple thought of it pulled a lump the size of a golf ball back into his throat.
Dan, his best friend, and possibly the love of his life, wanted to marry Phil, and he didn't get the chance. He was too young, and although he lived a successful life, it wasn't fulfilled. Phil thought back to all the times Dan had mentioned their life together, how they would eventually adopt a kid maybe, buy a house, be a complete family. Phil never thought they'd follow through, thought it would drift off and become a faded memory, the two men living their lives separately once they found someone new, even if it wasn't what he wanted.
He guided his shaking hand to the box, lifting up the ring gently and placing it on the table. Dan's messy writing was scrawled across a sticky note, one of the anime ones they'd bought in Japan. Phil picked it up. His eyes scanned over it, savouring each loving word. He smiled through tears, laughing at the fact that Dan had to plan out what he would say to propose. Phil would've loved whatever he'd said, even if it was simple, short words, that came out of Dan's mouth in a stutter-y fashion. He began to imagine what it would've been like, Dan kneeling down on one knee to open up the faded brown box and stumble through sentence after sentence. Phil hugging him, planting soft kisses on his face, crying, but not out of loss, but out of joy. The two of them announcing it to their fan base, the Internet going mental, his parents congratulating them and helping them prepare, a beautiful wedding, and a happy life. Growing old with his husband, holding hands until the end. It could've been perfect.
Phil looked up into the mirror, and noticed that he was grinning like crazy. It was only then that reality kicked in, and the grin turned into more tears, wondering why it happened to Dan, why not someone else. He loved that boy, and both of them knew it. The pain was overwhelming, worse than that of the car crash, worse than anything he'd ever felt. His body shook with sobs, his hands trembling, core seemingly collapsing.
"I can't do this...I just can't!" Phil's voice went from soft and sad to brash and tinged with the rage that was bottled up inside him. His words felt like they shook the apartment, even though he was the only one that could hear them. Black pushed into Phil's vision, and his knees buckled underneath him. His heart throbbed, the pain from his physical wounds a dull ache at this point.
Make it until the funeral, he told himself, losing consciousness rapidly, the calm, death like trance of sleep engulfing him, dulling the pain until he felt almost nothing.
Do it for Dan.