He can't be dead...

Chapter 10

TRIGGER WARNING: this chapter contains suicide

Phil ignored the text he received from his mom that told him there would be a get-together held at a local hall. He had no desire to spend even more time around people, listening to their words of sympathy, simply hollow, meaningless sentences to him. No one knew what he was going through. Not Dan's parents, not his own, not the other close friends and family. They were grieving, but not in the way Phil was. It was selfish, but true, he thought as he climbed into the black cab that was parked in front of the funeral home.
Phil arrived at the flat around 3:00. His stomach grumbled and seemed to do flips behind his skin, after barely eating anything for a few days. He ignored it, pulling open the door and slowly trudging up the stairs to his room. His eyes still hurt from crying, and alongside the pain from the crash, an empty stomach and the continuous unbearableness of Dan's death, he felt like he was being tortured. He was exhausted, aching and heart broken, a mix that resulted in a horrible, twisting sensation that never went away. Mentally and physically, he was done.
Despite it being still early in the evening, Phil flopped onto the bed and fell asleep almost instantly.

Running, but running from what? He raced through corridors, panting hard as his shoes squeaked along the tile floor. He turned around briefly, but there didn't seem to be anything behind him. Maybe he was running to something? A bright white flash came from ahead, and he picked up speed. A hand grasped at his t-shirt from behind, and dragged him down to the ground, pinning him against the cold floor.
"You'll never get Dan back," the seemingly invisible person hissed into his ear. "He's gone! You idiotic little boy, gone!" But on that final word, another voice broke out, this time a soft one. "Phil! I'm here!" It was Dan's.
He pulled his head off the floor, and launched the body pinning him down across the room. The bright light came back into view, and he ran forwards with all his might. He rounded a corner, and standing in front of him was his friend, glowing in the light.

Phil jerked upright. He swung his head around, searching for Dan, or the light or even a glimpse of the boring brick walls from the building he'd been in, but there was nothing. He was still in his room, completely alone. A buzzing noise pulled his attention to the bedside table, where a phone call from PJ was coming through. He answered hesitantly.
"Hey Phil, how's it going?" PJ had been checking in on Phil pretty much everyday, despite also being pretty injured from the crash, likely out of fear that he'd do something stupid and get himself hurt again or even killed.
"Uh, I'm fine." He lied.
"Would it be okay if I dropped in about an hour from now? You could probably use some company after the funeral."
"Yeah, thanks Peej. I'll, er, leave the door unlocked, you can just come in."
"Thanks. See you soon then? Bye."
The phone clicked as his friend hung up. Phil rolled out of bed, heading straight to the kitchen, after unlocking the entrance to the apartment. The overwhelming sensation of hunger had become too much, and he finally decided to eat something. Nothing appetizing was in the fridge, so instead he rummaged through the cupboards. He grabbed a box of crackers, and it wasn't until he was about to close the door that he noticed a bottle of pills.
You shouldn't do it, a voice in the back of his head said. But Phil ignored it, and reached up and grabbed the large bottle. His hands shook as he popped open the cap, and dumped out the contents. He scooped up a large handful and downed it in one gulp, washing it down with a sip of strong alcohol that made his throat burn.
You shouldn't have done that, echoed the voice.
A realization dawned on him, and he quickly scrambled for the video camera, recording a quick video to say goodbye to his subscribers. Phil expected tears to come, but it seemed there were no more. He shut off the camera and etched a quick note to PJ, asking him to upload it and apologizing for taking his life.
He walked back into the living room and was met with a rush of dizziness, forcing him to sit down on the couch so he didn't fall down. Disgust crept through him when he realized he was smiling. Why was he smiling? His body was shutting down, because he'd been selfish enough to give up. It was nothing to be happy about.
The sound of the door creaking open snapped him out of his trance. Had it already been an hour?
"Phil? Hey, how're you-" he stopped, eyes flashing back and forth between Phil's extra pale skin and the mostly empty bottle of pills say on the counter.
"Oh my god-Phil, you didn't."
Phil rotated on the couch to face PJ, nodding sadly.
"I'm sorry Peej, I just, I couldn't handle it anymore."
"I know but you could've told us that you were struggling this badly? How will your family react? Your followers? Your friends?"
Phil shrugged. He was starting to feel quite light, and most of the pain was disappearing Into numbness. He was quite angry with PJ for some reason, and couldn't understand why everyone wouldn't let him do what he wanted, even if it meant killing himself.
"If Dan were here, this isn't what he would've wanted."
And just those simple words made Phil release the anger that had been bottled up inside since Dan's death.
"Well Dan's not here, is he?" Phil yelled, taking PJ by surprise. "He's dead, and there's nothing we can do about it! He's f*cking dead. He's gone, PJ, it doesn't matter what he would've wanted, okay?"
He planted his feet on the ground and tried to stand up, but his legs gave out from underneath him, and he collapsed into a limp pile on the floor. A strange, peaceful sensation flooded through his body, and he could feel his eyes getting heavy. His friend yelled and ran towards him, but it was all muffled, and the world seemed to slow down, as did his breaths.
"It's so...peaceful." He whispered, barely audible to his friend.
"It'll be okay. I'll be with Dan." His eyes fluttered shut, and everything went numb.

Authors note: so that's the end! If you keep going, there's a brief epilogue, but that's the end of the story pretty much. I should've just called this story "please be careful as I'm gonna kill everyone you love".
I hope no one was terribly bothered by the mention of suicide, (trigger warning was at the beginning) but I tried to make it as non-graphic as possible.
I realize now that most of the things I've written about are likely quite inaccurate, but hopefully it was a satisfying story and ending?
Thank you all for reading!