Misconceptions 》Styles

{5} rider

     Rider.

     Rider.

     Rider.

     His laugh began to ring loudly within my mind, the volume rising with every passing second. I shut my eyes tightly as I clenched my teeth together, desperate for the laughing to stop. When did it ever stop?

     Knowing full well that no amount of head shaking and teeth gritting would clear Rider’s image and voice from my head, I snapped my eyes open and shot Harry a glare.

     “Screw you, Styles.” Releasing my grip on the bar, I turned on one heel and began to jog out of the gym, silently hoping that Harry would be crushed under the weight I placed on his chest. If not death, at least some sort of injury.

     Death would be a wee bit harsh, despite everything the git had done to me. Then again…perhaps he deserved it.

     You’re the one who deserves death, actually.

     Waste of space. Your fat arse is large enough to cover the span of the earth, you’re unnecessary.

     I nearly jumped as the words of venom were hissed into my ears, the torment threatening to overwhelm me at any moment. I was tired of it, tired of always being victimized by myself, the self that was better. She was skinner, prettier, confident, and lovable. Everything I would never be.

     On the rare occasion that I was able to sleep, my alternate self would visit me, giving me nightmares. She would scream at me and tell me how I needed to try harder, how I needed to be stronger. That if I didn’t, I would only become worse and hate myself far more—as if that were possible. She shoved me as insults rattled off her tongue, seeming to never end. It was horrendous.

     “Skylar! Sky, wait!” I shook my head angrily as I heard Harry’s voice from behind me, his footsteps becoming louder with each passing second. To hell with him, all he ever did was make me feel worse about myself and force me to eat, I didn’t need that. I didn’t want that. I needed to go home now and work off what I had eaten.

     A sour grimace took place on my features as once again I felt bile rising within my throat, desperate for an escape. I didn’t know how much longer I could keep it down. I wanted to release it, but Harry was far too close. He would suspect something. It was nothing more than empty calories, calories that threw away everything I was working for.

     I had to work harder. I wouldn’t eat. I would remain in bed if I had too, I just couldn’t risk it. To be beautiful is to be thin and to be thin is to be perfect. I wanted that, I needed it. I would not stop until I achieved the goal, until I was finally the person I wanted to be. The person the monsters within my head hissed at me to be.

     No longer would food control my life. I will not return to the old habits, I couldn’t. I didn’t need food; I would be perfectly fine without it. Perfectly fine. I’m not tied down by it, no one really needs it.

     No eating. No eating. No eating.

     I chanted the words within my head, hearing Harry’s footsteps grow closer to me. Upon inhaling a deep breath, my legs began to sprint away from him. I was ignoring the burning in my lungs, the bitter taste crawling up my throat. I ignored his yelling, the pain searing up my legs. I ignored it all until I was far enough away to stop, my breathing fast and labored. My hand reached towards my side—it felt as if it were being stabbed, being eaten away from the inside out—and I staggered forward some, attempting to ignore the unpleasant sensation throughout every inch of my body.