Perfect and imperfect

She is dead

The play isn't going on. Too many people missed all of last week. Actually only a few people missed the whole week, but we all had the bigger parts. We were excused for the week so we could have time to grieve, but we missed too many days. I'm not really up for pretending to be a happy wife. Or just pretending to be happy.

She is one of my best friends. Sorry, she was one of my best friends. I didn't talk much about her but she was really one of my best friends. I never really felt like I needed to talk about her. She was honestly the coolest of any of my friends, the best dancer in all of my classes, the most talented on her instrument. I could go on and on about her talents but her personality was even better.

She was always nice and gave the best advice. She was the nicest person I knew, but she was honest. Always telling you when you went to far or didn't go far enough. She didn't get caught up in all her sports and stuff, even though it would've been easy for her to because she was so athletic. She always had time for friends.

I can't believe she's gone.

I can't believe what a horrible friend I was to her while she was still here. I never really thanked her for putting up with me. I was a mess, always going to her crying over all my drama with Izzy. I went to her the most for that month I was feeling depressed after the whole Nick thing. I never really talked about how much I went to her. She was just always there for me. Always. It just felt like a normal thing that I took for granted and didn't think twice about. I was always such a mess to her and I never thanked her for dealing with it. She was able to support me. She was a brick wall to me. She wasn't made of brick though, more like made of glass. I shattered her. Maureen told me how that strong brick wall would go to her in tears because she didn't feel like she was enough help to me. She wasn't to be honest, but she was more help than anyone else could be. She was so kind, she never even gave me the slightest idea of how I was affecting her.

I was so hung up on a dumb crush on some dumb girl I never got to treasure all that time we had together. There is no more time together now. She's gone.

She is gone.

She died.

Daisy died.

Those words feel wrong, but they're the truth.

She was at a softball practice, in the batting cage. She was practicing and the pitching machine wasn't calibrated correctly or something or maybe she was standing in the wrong spot. I hate to think that this was her fault from her being in the wrong place so I'd rather blame the machine. Whatever it was the outcome was the same. The ball hit her chest, right at her heart, and stopped its beating. She died. In the panic that it happened no one was calm enough to defibrillator the cage had in case something like this happened.

I promised her that is see her play her the next game. She did so much for me and I didn't even go to any of her softball games. I'm a horrible friend. I'm a horrible person.

I miss her.

She's dead.

I miss Daisy.

Daisy died.

Daisy is dead.

My mom is going to force me to eat now.