The Mechanic

FORTY

I put the can of soda down on the table with a deep sigh. I closed my eyes and forced myself to clear my mind. To stop thinking about last night.

But I failed miserably.

The things that I discovered about Harry haunted me the whole day. I tried to focus on my job but they still crawled and tortured my brain. I was so relieved when lunch time came, at least I could leave my desk and be alone in the pantry for an hour.

Learning about Harry's past marriage and wife really overwhelmed me. I never saw it coming. Yes, I've felt since day one that he was full of secrets, but not this kind of secret.

I thought forgiving him and understanding his reasons would lessen the pain. And I thought his kisses and touch would do the trick. But I guess I was wrong. Yes, I really understood why he lied to me, but my trust was damaged.

Damaged, like a glass with a tiny crack. A small crack that I couldn't ignore because I could feel it under my fingertips.

And I hate feeling this way. I hate asking myself with questions like, what are the other secrets he's hiding? Was he completely honest with me or not?

I was really shocked with myself when I decided to stay with him last night. I was so eager to leave, I thought I already made up my mind. But when he shared his bitter past to me, I felt how miserable he was. I felt the pain, his pain and I just couldn't afford to see him that way. I wouldn't leave him like that, I can't do that.

I didn't want to lose him. He's a part of me now, and I couldn't afford to lose someone who was a huge piece of me.

I wonder how many times we forgive someone just because we don't want to lose them.

Does forgiving him this quick makes me stupid? A saint? A martyr? If my friends would discover all of these, I'm sure they'll kick me in the brain.

But I don't care about them or what they would think. In the end of the day, it's still about me and what I wanted. And I know what I want. It's Harry, always Harry.

But right now, I couldn't say that I feel okay. I was still hurting, disappointed and affected by what he did. But I knew this would pass. Maybe I just need some time.

I lifted my fork and twirled it around the pasta. Suddenly, my phone buzzed.

Hey babe, I can't pick you up this afternoon. I'm so sorry. I have to finish a lot of things in the auto shop. But I'll be home for dinner. I love you and take care. Call me when you're home.

I placed my phone on the table without typing a reply to Harry. It was hard to act like I was okay, that nothing was bothering me. I had to force myself to smile this morning just to assure him that I was fine.

"Hey girlfriend, what are you doing here alone?"

I turned my head and there was Mimi, walking towards my table with a sandwich and coffee in her hands. She took the seat beside me and gave me a sweet smile.

"Had a wild night? You look sleepy," she asked while unwrapping her sandwich.

You had no idea.

"Kinda," I replied casually. "Had a hard time sleeping. I miss Ohio."

"I feel you sister," she said, flashing a wistful smile. "I also miss my first home and the fresh air and trees."

"Really? Where were you from?"

She chewed and swallowed her food first before answering my question. "Texas."

"How long have you been here?"