The Joshleen Journey

Reunited #12

Colleens POV
I can't. I'm done. I'm done with everything. I'm tired of not being okay. I'm tired of being unhappy. I hate myself. I hate this awful world I live in. This cruel world takes such good people for granted. Just like it took me. I was a happy good hearted person that was taken and changed into a depressed mess of a girl by the harsh reality that I struggle with everyday. All I do is fuck up. And if I'm not fucking up someone else is, and it's somehow effecting my life.

Ever since Josh left me, it has just gone downhill. Then when I think I might have another chance at happiness, it gets taken away from me again. I still can't believe he made me wait for hours and hours. I have never been more heart broken and disappointed in my life. I have so many emotions right now and being alone is helping nothing. I hate to say that I need someone but I need company. Good company. Sympathetic company. Understanding company. My sister.

R: hello?
C: hey Rach.
R: hey beautiful. how you doing?
C: ummmm. I've been a lot better
R: you okay?
C: actually no. can you come over please?
R: of course. I'll be right there
C: thanks love you sis
R: love you too

I get off the phone with Rachel and for once in about a week, I am hungry. I can't starve myself anymore so I go to the kitchen and get some fruit out. A fruit salad sounds really really good right now. I wash the apples, pears, mangos, peel the bananas and get a bowl. I open the knife drawer and stared at my best friend this past week. My razor blade. So many cuts and tears have resulted from this little thing. You never realize that something so small can hurt someone so much but at the same time give a person so much relief. I gently graze the sharp cold blade with my fingertips feeling it as so many ideas possess my brain. I have a sudden urge to reunite with wonderfully odd sensation from a swipe of the blade to my skin. I grasp the blade in my hand and walk myself to the bathroom.

I stare down at the blade as everything becomes so surreal. One cut too deep and I could be dead. One vertical cut and I could be dead. One too many cuts and I could be dead. I could be dead. No more Colleen Ballinger. No more Miranda Sings. No more breathing. No more walking, talking, singing, laughing, crying, no more anything. That doesn't sound too bad. All my problems would just go away. Before I know it the sink is filled with blood. My arm dripping away. "Colleen..." I hear a familiar voice whisper. I turn around quickly and see my baby sister in tears. I rinse off my arm and wrap it in a towel then go and hug her tight as can be. I needed to explain everything to her. From the beginning. It took an hour of just talking to get where we are now. I picked up a knife as Rachel yelled "Colleen no!!" Just then the door busts open and Josh's tear stained face appears. "Colleen!" he yells as he quickly walks over to me. He grabs the knife and throws it. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" he yells as he holds my wrist tightly. I jerk away from him and scream, "WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE JOSH?!!" "I'M HERE BECAUSE I FUCKING LOVE YOU COLLEEN!!" he screams back. "No you don't!! You broke up with me with no explanation, wouldn't talk to me, then made me wait up for you for hours Josh!!! You hurt me so much!! I'm done with all of this bullshit!" I yell. "I made a mistake! Everybody makes mistakes. That's what life is Colleen. And.. and.. I'm not going to make the mistake of letting you go ruin my life! You're the best thing that he's ever happened to me. How do you not see how much I love you and care about you. I'd do anything for you and you know that. I just need you Colleen. This week has been hell for me too. Just please... I love you so much." he says softly as his hands hold my face. I break down and sob as Josh and I both go down to the floor. He holds me in his arms as my breathing slows down. He always can calm me down faster than anyone. I soon stop crying minutes later. "Well, I'm gonna take off. You guys obviously need to talk things out." Rachel says as she grabs her keys and opens the door. "Rach." I say as she is at the door. "Yeah?" she turns around as I get up and wrap my arms around her. "Love you." I say. "Love you too." she says then leaves. I lock the door and turn back around. Josh is standing up where I left him staring at me. "So?" I say uncomfortable. "Colleen, please baby. Can we work on this and give it another try?" he asks hopefully. I need to get past this. I need happiness. I need my Josh back. A smile appears on my face as I look at him. His face immediately lights up as he walks towards me. "Yes?" he asks. "Yes." I say and smile up at him. He picks me up and spins me around as we giggle. I look him in the eyes as his face comes closer and closer. Our lips touch as fireworks boom inside of me. As we break the long passionate kiss I can't help but smile at how much I have missed him. "I love you baby." he says. "I love you too." I say and smile as he sits us on the couch. I snuggle up to him as we lay there in silence until I fall asleep with a smile on my face. I have my smile back.