Let Her Go (Already Broken Sequel) {J.B.}

Chapter 6

^Picture of Justin^

~Kayla's POV~

I never thought of happiness as anything more than a given. I never imagined something as simple as being happy could be such a thing to strive for. Never had the knowledge that happiness isn't handed to you, and it's not granted to everyone.

That's terrifying.

The thought that being happy is such a privilege and it's such a treasure to have, but you never think of it as meaning anything until you don't have it anymore.

I often find myself smiling at memories that'll run through my mind-- memories of waking up early with my mom and memories of baking Christmas cookies late at night with my family... and when they pass I think to myself, when's the last time I've been as happy as I am when I skim through old memories?

It's sad, really. To think that all of your happiest moments lie somewhere in the past. To think that the person that made you happiest is also in the past.

I really don't know where to begin to explain the pain of loving someone you don't even know anymore. I must sound crazy. I love him so much... it hurts how much I ache for him, but the 'him' I love isn't who he is. And I'll never not be in love with the person I want him to be. The person he was.

I try not to think about him and I try to block out our memories together, I honestly-- I try so hard. But it's the most impossible thing to attempt to forget the person who shared your whole world with you. It's just... I look at him and I see nothing. I see a figure of a person and I try to look deeper than that but I see nothing. He's sad and he's broken and he's not the same, and maybe I should blame myself for that... but damn. How heartbreaking it is to look at the love of your life and see nothing but emptiness.

It keeps me up at night, wondering if he's the way he is because of me. It takes up most of my mind wondering if he thinks the same about me.

God, it's so crazy how two people who were once so crazily in love have teared each other apart to the point of being so unrecognizable to one another. How at one point of your life you were each others everything and now it stings when you hear someone speak their name, as if its an unspoken rule that their name stays out of conversation.

I sat myself up in the bathtub when I got tired of running through my thoughts. My hair was half wet and half dry, the tips wet from the way they dipped into the water. Hugging my knees close to my chest, I rested my head on the top of my kneecaps allowing my hair to drape over the side of my shoulder. It had nearly reached a total of fourty-five minutes I've been in here, and the way my fingers wrinkled at the tips was an alert to me.

I wrapped a towel tightly around my body after I dislodged myself from the bathtub, sharp sighs exerting through my breath. My eyes darted toward my phone that lay on the countertop, the time reading 9:47pm. I found myself relieved that I had passed that much time; lately I've been catching myself feel grateful every time the clock read past 9. It meant I could get away for a while in my sleep.

I changed into a pair of sweatpants and an old Rolling Stones t-shirt as I threw my hair up into a bun, running cold water over my face. It only ever took me a few minutes to do my whole night routine, but all it really consisted of was the basic cleaning of my face and teeth. My phone buzzed beside me, and it created a pit in my stomach when I saw it was Ryan.

He's been acting weird toward me ever since I got here, as if he has a thing for me or something. I mean, hey, I could be misreading his whole vibe but in no way do I want to push this any further than it needs to go. I don't know what he thinks or what he feels toward me, but never do I want him to be anything more than a friend. Man, do I need one of those right now.