Let Her Go (Already Broken Sequel) {J.B.}

chapter sixteen

~Kayla's POV~

     It's been six days since I last saw Ashley.

     From what little she told me, I have reason to believe she went back home to Minnesota. She had said something about needing to be 'anywhere but here.' With little explanation and through the distraught tremble of her voice, I understood what she didn't know how to say. To say the least, she's had a devastating week.

     Seven days ago David died in surgery from an unforeseen complication. It was through the timespan of 34 seconds that at the sight of the doctor approaching us, her eyes lit up, to the moment the words left his mouth, that all color seemed to elude them.

     At that moment, I was ready. As soon as the words "I'm sorry for your loss" were spoken, I was ready to catch her, to sit and cry with her, to hold her like all the times she's held me. She didn't fall, though, just nodded her head at the doctor and told me it was time to go. He tried to stop her, told her that he would like to discuss what happened and why it did, but she kept walking.

     I took her home, and that's where we stayed for the rest of the day. I couldn't think of what to do or say, so I stayed quiet. For seven hours we sat in the living room. I read three books and she sat, her empty eyes fixated on the wall, then the ceiling, then the floor until she mumbled that she was going to bed. I asked if I could get her anything but got no response. I don't think she heard me. I think I could have talked all day, and still, she wouldn't have heard me.

     I keep doubling back to that day. I think I should have said something profound that would make it hurt less for her. But I have nothing profound inside of me that could come close to healing her. It breaks my heart that her heart is broken, and I'm mad at myself for not knowing how to fix it.

     Simply put, she is mourning the loss of her love and I am rendered completely helpless. I've never seen her so vacant. I missed her while I was right next to her. And now, I wish that I was the one hurting so she wouldn't have to.

     Now, it's 10pm and I've spent the day waiting for her. It's disheartening to not know if she's coming back at all. I call her once more and get her voicemail for probably the seventh time today.

     "Hey, Ash. I've been thinking about you all day so I thought I'd let you know. Sometimes it's nice knowing someone has you on their mind, so I just wanted you to know. I did the dishes today. I even went to the store to buy more detergent. It's embarrassing that it took you being gone for me to realize the dishes don't get done by themselves. It's weird being here alone. I just hope you're where you need to be, but I also wanted you to know that I miss you. Call me back if you want. Or just come home. Love you. Miss you."

     I toss my phone beside me and take a long breath. Instinctively, I put my palms on my stomach. I feel silly, but I keep them there and feel around. It feels normal, but there is something inside of me. I don't feel anything and I'm discouraged. I need something, some feeling or change of heart, but I feel no different. Aren't you supposed to have some kind of unearthly connection with your baby when you're pregnant? In the movies girls cry and hug people and smile when they find out. They talk to their babies and hold their stomachs, but right now I feel more alone, more empty than I have in a while.

     "Is someone in there?" I whisper. I feel embarrassed of myself, here alone in my apartment talking to my stomach. "If you are...I hope you can hear me so I'm not talking to myself for nothing." I take a deep breath and stare at my stomach. "I read online that babies can hear noises at 23 weeks. That's a ways away, though. I think you're...five weeks. That's kinda crazy, huh? You've been in my tummy all this time and I only just found out about you. I don't know much about babies. I never had any siblings growing up. So I'm sorry if I don't know what I'm doing. I'll read books and stuff, you know so I can be ready when you come."