Ferocious Flames

illusion

There were total 17 letters and I opened and read all of them. It was the same thing in each of them. No!!...even after ryo telling me that I was adopted I had hope somewhere that rhyuzakki was my real dad. But now it was all shattered to pieces. I flew away from that strange room and house. Why? Why now? I ran mindlessly away from that house. My vision was blurred for the first time. My eyes felt numb and there were lumps in my throat. The unstoppable warm tears made their way through my cold cheeks. But my pace was stopped when a man with wide chest stood in front of me.
"I'm sorry." I said without looking and made my way through. He again stood in front of me.
"you're one beauty that I met today..good for me!" this guy said. I saw him smiling. Then another guy who stood behind me said,"I wish you would have hit me instead of him."
"you seem sad. Shall I make you happy dear?" the guy who stood in front of me said. He held my hand and pulled me towards himself. "from where should I start?"
I pushed him away and then simultaneously the other guy grabbed my hand. I kicked him. One of them held my face and the other one came with an amusing smile to hit me. It was easier for me to get rid of his hold and beat the crap out of him. I punched them harder and harder. It was like pouring out my rage and despair but they were weak. One of them already laid half dead on the ground and the other one was just about to go. I hit him restlessly and desperately. I couldn't look at his face as my vision was blurred and I didn't even care to look at him. But then he held both of my fists.
"ema..it's me." I looked at him. He was Natsume. The other two guys now laid almost dead on the ground. When did natsume come? When I saw him I felt this overpowering feeling of tiredness and I fell on my knees. He knelt down too and his fingers made its way through my hair and brushed my hair back. I saw his eyes getting broader and were surprised. He had never seen me crying and he knew that I couldn't even cry but today, I was actually crying.
"are you alright ema?" he asked. I shook my head. He held my shoulders and helped me to stand and walk to a bench. We both sat there.
"what is it? Why are you...c-crying?"
I didn't know what to reply. After a while natsume took that piece of paper from me that I had unintentionally enclosed within my fist.
He carefully read it through and said,"so rhyuzakki isn't your real dad?" I was still quiet. These words that I knew were true still seemed a lie.
"but that's not gonna change anything, will it?"
He won't understand. Why is he even here?
"he loves you like a real dad!" as if he knows everything.
"you won't understand. " I said quietly after a while.
"ema? I-I.." he didn't say anything. He went away towards his car and brought me water.
"take this. You'll feel better." I drank it.
"you should not make an issue about it! I don't think a letter would change things." why can't he stay quiet!
"you'll never understand. Dad and I are not like you and Mrs Lisa!" I know I was rude.Then there were a few awkward moments and after a sigh he said," let me drop you. Come on." he said as he was about to stand.
"you should go..I'm fine over here.."
"come on ema..it's already dark..and I can't leave you alone like this!"
"I can't go to that place again...I can't face him." my voice was really low. I was replying for that sake of replying but I actually didn't want him to listen to me.
"eh..do you want to come to my place?" he hesitated.

After a few minutes I was in his car and was heading to his home. Even though I didn't want to go there but anything was better than facing dad. We reached his house and fortunately, no one else was there. I wonder where was Mrs Lisa though. But I could care less about it. We both were quiet all the way and even now.
"you can sleep in lucy's room. She's not here and I don't think she'll mind." I nodded and looked out through the window. I don't know why but I didn't feel like myself. It was a strange feeling.
"if you need anything...just tell me okay...do not hesitate. I'll be in the next room."
"n-natsume.. " I said without looking at him.
"huh?"
"did you tell d-dad about it?"
"he didn't pick up his phone..don't worry I'll call him."
"no..don't."
"what? But why? You can't stay like this forever you know?! He's still your dad!" natsume should have been the last person telling me about parents. His words just infuriated me.
"don't worry. He won't be worried. After all I'm not his real daughter or so."
"shut up ema!"
"I told you natsume, you wouldn't understand! " I was calm and controlling myself. I don't know how I decided to come here.
"you all are same!" I recklessly sat down on bed. My voice becoming more restless and clumsy and his presence made it even worse. It just reminded how he left me. It was the first time I was talking to him personally after five years.
"what's wrong ema?" he sat beside me. He was magnifying all my feelings. It just kept me reminding how he loved me (just like dad used to) and then he left (just like dad).
"everything's wrong! What would you do if someone tells you that everything that you belived until now was just a lie..it was just an illusion?" I was breaking out in front of him. The more I tried to suppress it the more I was dominated by it.
"I would still believe it if it makes me happy."
"then that happiness is just delusional! It is fake! At the end you'll be only getting more despair. It is like postponing your despair."
"I'll deal it when time comes..I rather stay happy as long as i can."
"I ain't like you at all natsume! I rather live in a realistic world than fooling myself."
" Fooling yourself will surely be better if that brings a smile on your face."
"you don't get it natsume. The truth is always hurting but I can't walk blindly. Knowing the truth and the reality is important. It keeps you sane. Ignorance is bliss but denial is pampering yourself in a fairytale and an absolutely unrealistic world."
"look at yourself! You're crying and depressed and that isn't acting sane!" I felt so paralysed that I couldn't tell him what I actually felt and why I felt I was right. It was not only the sadness that I'm adopted but the fear that what ryo said might come true. I won't even cease to exist tomorrow according to him. And that my own dad would kill me.But I couldn't tell natsume any of it. That's why the truth was important to me in order to live. And he was constantly telling me that it wasn't important at all that means I shall not live and that my existence wasn't important at all.
"I Ain't important, am I?! I'm just like an obstacle, isn't it?!some useless thing. People come and they try to persuade me, sway me to get away from their way. They do all sorts of things to just get rid of me. They even love me And at the end they just throw me away. That's the reason I can't even force a smile on my face..--" he took me by surprise when I realized that he was kissing me. He pulled away after a while, smiled and said,"you are not an obstacle. You're someone who everyone will treasure. It's not fair for you to compare yourself to an obstacle . And even if you are then I rather choose the most difficult way to meet you again and again"
"you say so..but...you are not getting it! When your whole world had changed upside down and you feel like there's no way to go--"
"you can always come here. I'll be there. Infact I'm sure your dad will be there as well. " he snapped.
"just sleep okay. You'll be fine the next day. " I seriously wanted to belive in his words so badly that even I for a moment seriously forgot about everything. As if it was that easier!
I rested my head on his shoulder and said,"you think it'll be fine?"
"I bet. I know you're strong!"