Ferocious Flames

parental longingness

"ema!" it was not ryo. Oh god!! Was it dad?!
"dad??" I whispered and then I finally saw him coming through the door. He was less dirtier than ryo. I hugged him.
"I'm sorry dad..I did not mean to leave you...I'm sorry.."
"did you really doubt at me??" I felt embarrassed and I wish I could have a gun that time so that I could kill that guy ryo.
"I-I...I couldn't think straight after reading those letters..."
"it's fine..I should have told you about it.."
We both cried and cried.
"but how come..you're here?? Ryo told me.." I pulled out and said.
"it was my fault..but everything's alright now!!" ryo said in an amusing tone with broken smile and they both laughed. What was this personal joke going on? I felt so ignored!!
"what is this going on?" I asked. But they laughed again.
"let it go!" dad said. I don't get it at all!! Isn't it important for me to know things! Or maybe dad isn't comfortable with me to know it?and he's comfortable with ryo? What happened between them that now they're acting as if nobody else knows what's love?!
"you don't consider me your real daughter, do you?! You wouldn't tell me anything at all. You didn't even tell me I was adopted until I'd found out on my own. You lied to me everytime and that also so casually.you never trusted me and that's why you always lied to me. I'm sorry but it's hard for me to be the same again." I said and I went away. I might be rude but that's the truth. Maybe if he would have been my real dad then things wouldn't have been like this. I've always felt a strange longing and I know for whom my heart longs. I was never that close with dad. Though we lived under the same roof for 17 years but we lived like strangers. Maybe that's the difference between real parents and him.there was always He could never love me the same way as he loves ryo and that was the reason I couldn't see rhyuzakki as my dad anymore. He had just become a stranger for me and I don't know if now I'll ever be able to forget about today.So at the end, maybe I'm all alone.
"ema!" I saw dad sitting beside me. I don't know when I slept. The room was filled with red light. So I think it must be 6 or 7 pm.
" that earliest memory of yours about those people dying.. Those figures are actually your parents. It was iris who had hired people to kill them. I-I couldn't save them..I'm sorry...by the time I reached over there I found them already burning..I could only save you...I'm sorry..I should have known that iris was doing all of this at my back! "
"but why would she do that?"
"I-I could never convince her that how much I loved her..she was always insecure with sakura's presence. And it turns out I couldn't convince you either!" he talked without looking at me.
"I think I didn't tell you about anything because of selfish reasons. I hid those letters so that you would never leave me. You remember ema, when you were small you wouldn't even sleep without me. We were quite close then, right?! You would tell me everything without hesitating. But then you grew old, you just got lost somewhere. But even then you knew that I was there with you and so you felt safe and sound around me . But now ema, what has changed so much? Even earlier I wasn't your real dad but you would sleep with me feeling secure and comfortable. Nothing much has changed since then. So why? Why all this? I never wanted to tell you about anything that was dangerous because I didn't want to steal your comfort and security that you shared with me. I'm so much used it, you know. What was that? Was that an act? Because I seriously thought that you loved me as if I was your real dad. Infact I'd forgotten that I wasn't your real dad. But today you've reminded me..--"
I hugged him and shouted,"it wasn't an act! I really really do love you.. " he hugged me back and I was glad that he did. He had forgiven me.I have been acting so childish that I was embarrassed about myself.
"I'm sorry..." I kept on saying while he kept on brushing my hair.

Days passed casually again after that day. That day surely brought a lot of changes in my life. 1)dad and I surely became close. 2) around these days I also got graduated.😄 3)ryo partially started living with us which was so annoying. But one thing that I still didn't understand was that who actually was trying to kill me? Was there even someone?? Maybe it was just an illusion. But I could still see a strange fear permanently associated with dad. Am I being self obsessed or is he really worried about me. I tried asking him about it indirectly but he avoided it everytime. Well, at least for me things seemed settled down. So I had this thing on my mind since the last time I met natsume . I wanted to somehow clear it with him about what exactly happened that day. I didn't want to witness that day. It was as if I wanna erase it from my past and so I did.

I had been waiting for natsume for almost half an hour in front of his house. Where could he be now? Oh yeah...it must be some work. I starred at that huge building that stood in front of me which still looked familiar though it has changed a lot. It was not only his house but he himself has changed. Earlier he wore casual t-shirt with casual jeans. But earlier both the time he was wearing a three piece. He surely had been busy I can see and probably he has become more mature. Hm..I can't wait anymore!! Where is he??!!Could it be that natsume was here for only a certain period of time? Maybe he's gone? No..no..then I won't ever be able to clear out things with him.
"ema.." natsume it was. And that also in a surprised look.
"oh..natsume.. " I behaved as if I really didn't expect him.
"you're here? Any problem?"
"no..I was just passing through. Ah..but natsume.. I surely had a favour to ask you.."
"yeah say..." We were seriously such good strangers I must say. I always think how will I face him but he always makes it easier by pretending as if nothing ever happened.
"could it be that I left some sort of letter with you...you know, like..maybe?!" I pretended to be hesitating. I obviously knew that it was with him.
"yeah..I have it. Did you forget that or what?!" he said in an amusing tone.
"actually, yes..my friend told me he saw you with me that day... So I thought maybe it would be you.."
"what? You don't remember anything at all...why?" he seemed offended and I so badly wanted that expression on his face. I obviously didn't want him to know that I remember whatever happened that day. I wouldn't have done all of this if he wouldn't have kissed me but he did and so I have to put up this act because I don't want him to think that I am okay with what he did with me.
"I was drugged..." though I didn't want him to know about getting drugged either but there was no possible way I could think of to forget things.
"drugged... How?"
"that day some strangers came out of blue..and they drugged me without my knowledge."
"are you alright now?"
"yes, I am. "
"okay..then..well, why don't you come in? I have to give you the letter also..right?!"
"no...no...just hand it over here..I have to go somewhere.."
"okay..then wait here... " he came after a while and handed it over to me.
"thanks...well...you're here..?? Because of work I suppose?"
"hm..work it is."
"oh..well, see ya then." and I went away from there with my letter which was of no importance but an excuse to make things clear with him.