Silent

02| When It Was All Too Much.

School hadn't gone that well even after break. I had sat in my chemistry class and waited for the teacher to arrive when it had been announced that she was absent and that we would have to go sit in another section because of a shortage of teachers.

When I entered the other class, I was lost in a sea of my own thoughts. Cameron, Derrick, Lois and Jackie, plus not to forget that today was that day- the day when it all had ended. I hated today. I hated all that it signified, and I especially hated that nobody except me even cared anymore.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even realize when I knocked into someone's chair. I blinked, becoming aware of my surroundings. There were around six to seven guys sitting in a circle, and I had knocked into one of their chairs.

"Well, well, well. Will you look at who it is?" One of the guys- Ted- said. I looked around warily to see who all were there, and my heart clenched painfully on spotting a certain guy. Jesse. Just my luck to be sent to his class.

Their teacher rapped the duster against her table, speaking loudly, "Students, please settle down!"
Nobody really noticed her, and I felt a stab of pity before I came to the problem in front of me.
"Join us Darlene," Another guy grinned at me from his chair.

"No dude," Jesse told him, scowling a bit. "Nobody wants her here."
"You sure?" The guy asked Jesse.
"Yeah man, she's not worth having here," Jesse replied with a dark expression on his face. The words pierced my heart, and I hesitating raised one hand towards Jesse, stopping a few meters away.

I stood there at a loss for words, unsure how to phrase my thoughts aloud, too scared to speak.
"Go away," Jesse told me, carefully watching my hand movement. "Freak."

My heart flooded with hurt.

There was a time when Jesse would have never spoken like this to anyone, let alone me. Especially me. Oh, my perfect Jesse, my sweet Jesse. Oh, how I missed him.

He had been my first love after all, and I had been his. There couldn't be so much hate for me, could there?

I kept on staring -emotionlessly- at him, unsure of what to do. He couldn't really hate me. He couldn't.
"I think he said something," Ted said to me.
"Darlene- get the fuck away from us, we don't like you," Jesse tried again, slowly this time, a dark look at his face. Did he really hate me?

I stared at his eyes.

I stared so hard at them, trying to decipher them. They didn't waver, but held my gaze firmly. They were so familiar, so heartrendingly familiar, making my heart ache in pain. They reminded me of another time, where the sun always shone and it didn't matter when it rained. But then I saw the hardness in his eyes. The dullness. The anger. They weren't those same eyes. They didn't care about me.

He really did hate me.

So many people are affected by every single thing that happens to you, aren't they? It doesn't even make sense. But somehow, what affects you also affects the person beside you. If you cry, then the other person sitting beside you gets saddened as well. If you smile, then person beside you also feels a little better. Everyone is affected by everyone.

I turned around and walked away, tears making their way to my eyes. Tears had always been easy to me, I had never been able to control them. I hurried out of the room, ignoring the protest of the teacher behind me.

I sank down in the first empty corner of the school I found, and pressed my head again my legs, trying to hide my tears from the world, trying to hide my frustration, and my anger. It wasn't fair. I wanted my parents back. I wanted them here with me. I wanted my voice back. I wanted my life back. I didn't want the scar on my throat, or the memories of blood in my head. I didn't want to know what it was like to watch someone die in front of you. I wanted my mom to laugh again and my dad to make corny jokes. I wanted them to sing songs together.

Oh god, it was my fault. It was my fault my parents died. It was my fault- I could feel all of the blood again, I could see all of it again. I could see the knives that ruined it all. It felt like I was there again. They were there- I could see my mom whimpering, I could see all the blood around us. The grin on their faces. Everything.

"Hey, you, sitting in the corner- little bird like girl. C'mon breathe slowly. You're hyperventilating. Here- drink this-"

A bottle was thrusted towards me. I blindly drank from it, unable to do or think of anything else. With each slow sip, I blinked and came back down to earth. School, I was at school. Not there again.

"You fine now, little bird?"

I looked up. Derrick Wright again. Oh my, what must he even think of me? I nodded hastily and he sighed.
"Next time, drink water."

And with that, he was off again, bottle in hand. I stared after his retreating form, not sure why he had helped me if he had to be so abrupt in the end. Maybe he was shy.

But he didn't seem the shy type. Oh, who cared, I just had to go through this day. Coming to school today had been a bad decision on my part. But I had to show David that I was moving on. I had to show him that it didn't affect me that much anymore so that he would stop worrying about me.

I couldn't go back to class after that, though. I just roamed through the corridors, waiting for the bell to ring and signify the end of school the whole day. As soon as it did, I hurried to my bus, wanting to go home.

When I, at last, arrived at home, I ran straight to my room and lay down on my bed. Tears streamed down my face. I still missed them. I still wanted them back. When would it all go away? Did I even want to let it go?

A knock came on my door and it opened. I sat up. David came inside, his eyes red as well. He had a bowl full of ice cream in his hand.

"Care to join me?" He asked me, his throat sore from crying. I nodded. I had forgotten that I wasn't the only one who missed them. David came and sat on my bed, passing me a spoon as well.

And we sat quietly, eating in silence, treasuring all that we had left. Each other.