Silent

15| Love Is

I roamed around the school, having nowhere to go. I didn't want to go and explain to Cameron why Derrick didn't want to give the test tomorrow- that was Derrick's business. I didn't want to go to class too. It all felt like it was crashing down on me at last.

Even though nothing had happened.

Nothing had happened and it was crashing down on me. I felt heavy hearted, like I needed something, something which I couldn't figure out. I wanted to be alone yet surrounded. I wanted to cry yet laugh. I wanted to scorn yet believe that everything was going to be alright. I was all alone in this world, no matter who all spent it with me and my weight was for me to bear alone.

And so I roamed about, in those empty corridors of the school. I didn't go too near to the art class, feeling uncomfortable even thinking about it, and I didn't go back to the crowded part of the school. And so I walked.

I was but roaming through an empty corridor that I heard weeping sounds from somewhere.

Sniff sniff sniff. Sniff sniff sniff. Sniff sniff sniff.

I changed my direction towards the sound, my curious mind seeking the source of it. I walked past three classrooms, four classrooms, five classrooms. The voice grew fainter.

Sniff sniff...

I frowned and turned back. One, two three. Four, five, six. All these classrooms were either locked or empty. Where was this voice coming from?

Sniff sniff sniff.

I hastily walked around the corner of the hall and started at the other section of the connecting corridor. The sounds grew louder. I hurried in my steps, opening each and every classroom. One, two, three. The third classroom opened to reveal a person sitting, head on desk in the first row.

Sniff sniff sniff.

I hesitatingly rapped against the door to gain that person's attention. The person slowly stopped crying, although I could still see him shake, feel him trying to gain more control over his emotions. A sense of familiarity stole over me, though I could not figure it out. My features softened as I waited patiently for the person to calm down.

And then he looked up. And my heart lurched. Jesse O'Brien. His tear stained gentle eyes met mine before they turned blank and a cruel smile stole over his face. I could not ignore that horrible smile more than I could ignore the redness of his eyes, or the way that his hands were still trembling.

"What do you want Francis?" He said, each word full of hatred. It pierced me, pulled my already aching heart into different directions. Oh, I wish I could somehow bear all this hatred, a hatred for which there was no rhyme or reason. A hatred which wasn't even my fault.

But oh, I had to bear it, I had no other option. I could do this. I closed my eyes and squeezed them, taking a deep breath.

And then I tried to stand taller. Stare more confidently. Harden my eyes. Scowl. Act like I accidentally stumbled upon him. Care less.

But my heart couldn't have cared more. And he sighed.

"Just go away, Francis. I don't have time for all this right now. Just let me be. Please."

And just like that, Jesse slumped back into his chair. He stared down into his desk, hiding his face from me, looking sad, defeated and despaired. His forlorn slumped frame was still shaking a bit, and I knew that the reason why he was hiding his face from me was because he couldn't control his tears any longer anymore again. He just couldn't.

I couldn't help it. Helplessness filled me, overprotectiveness filled my legs, and before I knew it, I had walked across the room and enfolded my arms around him. Jesse didn't even say or do anything. There wasn't anything left anyway.

I patted him comfortingly, as his frame began to shake. Warm tears started to soak my shoulder while he sobbed, broken. I didn't know what had happened to him, didn't know what intensity of sadness was looming over him, I just knew he was broken right now. Just like me and Derrick.

And I wished he wasn't. There wasn't any going back from being broken, there wasn't any healing. There was forgetting and letting go, and to let go of something that tore you into pieces is not an easy task. Especially when you have to stare at the scars every morning in the broken look on your face in the mirror.

I squeezed him fiercely, almost like I could actually stop everyone else from hurting him anymore. Like I actually protect him. I patted him comfortingly, knowing all too well how little it was helping.

While Jesse's storm raged on, I couldn't help but wonder what had happened to him. His mother had got cancer the last year, but hadn't she been healing with chemotherapy?

His brother was in the junior school football team. Was anything wrong with him? Had there been an accident of some sort?

Had someone said something to him? What was wrong?

While I couldn't help these thoughts, I felt guilty. What were these thoughts even doing in my head? They shouldn't even be present. They shouldn't even be in the format of thoughts. They shouldn't be anything at all.

When Jesse stopped crying, we say there together for a little, awkward yet not willing to go just yet.

"My parents split." He said, filling the silence at last. "My parents split, and my dad's taking Juan with him. Mum and me will be left alone. They're shifting to Australia."

Jesse's voice cracked at the end and he took in a shakey breath. Oh.
"I-I," he stammered. I didn't let him speak anymore, I rested my hand on top of his on the desk. I felt a sense of compassion for him, and also jealously. What right had he got to be sad? He had his Mum. He still had his dad.

I had only one parent, and he fulfilled the role of my elder sibling as well. I had scars.

But I could also not help but feel pity for him. I couldn't imagine a life without David, I'd probably die. I couldn't even survive for a single day.

"Why did you leave me Dar?" Jesse asked me suddenly. I stilled. This was a sensitive topic. I shrugged my shoulders casually as an answer.
"Did you even care?" He asked me in a whisper.

I nodded hesitatingly. I did care. I still cared.
"Yeah right," he gave a sarcastic laugh. "I got it, you know? Your parents... I got it. I understood that you'd change. And I didn't care because I still loved you. Because I loved you for who you were. I would've stood throughout it with you, but you never gave me the chance. You left me Dar, why?" He asked me.

Oh my poor Jesse. He didn't get it. He wouldn't have got it. His parents didn't die because of him. It wasn't like happiness wasn't meant for him. It wasn't like his life ended. My life changed too much and I realised that I couldn't be with him anymore without hurting. Without feeling different. Without feeling alone. It felt all fake. Like it wasn't true. And I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it to Jesse. I couldn't do it to Jackie. I left both of them.

But how was I supposed to say this when I couldn't even find the words to explain this?

I drew a heart on his hand with my finger subconsciously. How was I supposed to explain this to him? That he had grown darker, his smile smaller with every second he stayed with me? That his parents actually asked me to let him go? That I told them I wouldn't before realising that I couldn't do it anyway?

"I forgot who I was talking to," Jesse said quietly. I wanted to shake my head no, tell him how I still loved him, except that I couldn't be with him for my heart belonged to someone else and I couldn't stay with him because it didn't seem real?
"I'll be going now."

And with that, Jesse left, smashing the tiny bits of my heart that were still left.