Silent

27| When She Decided To Do.

The skies seemed darker somehow and the world gloomier. Sadder. It was as if life had just stopped. As if the world needed someone to hold it, to turn it, as if it could no longer stand on it's own.

School, is terrible. I at last get what Derrick was on about. It is quiet. When Cameron died, our school stopped. Or at least it seems as if it has. There are still posters for the CC program everywhere, even though it's been stopped for it's main organiser is here no more. It's grimmer. Darker. People who had been lifelong friends now avoid each other. It's been two months but it doesn't feel like it. It's sad.

They're not mourning Cameron, they've just stopped living without him. The school is dead. And it kills me. Cameron would've never wanted this. Cameron would've been so sad to see this. Cameron made everything special just so that we would destroy it? I didn't think so.

Cameron wouldn't have wanted the world to stop- just because he was so selfless. I was the selfish one, the one who would've wanted to scar this world. Or maybe even Derrick. Or any of these people so as to speak of. But never Cameron.

Never Cameron.

My red dress which I was wearing because it had been Cameron's favourite did almost nothing to lighten up the classroom. The teachers seemed to not care at all. They came, taught and went home it seemed.

The students were quiet, still shocked and unable to grasp that one of its brightest would now be forever missing. Is this what school would've been next year for all those below us? Dead?

I hoped not.

Maybe it was just because Cameron's death had had such a huge impact that our school was almost dead.

But we were not dead yet. We still had time. Time to live and time to kill. We could still live. Did they not get it? The preciousness they had? The brightness? Did they not want to take and savour each and every moment?

Because it was just not fair. Those who were dead would've lived more.

I was going to make sure we lived. I was. I didn't know how yet, but I would.

Some people were surprised by the change in me. The confidence. The dark sadness which was always associated with me didn't seem so obvious to the naked eye. But there was still a long way to. A long way to travel. But I knew I would travel it. I would. I knew it.

My first day at school was the worst one. There was no one there to help me, no one there to talk to me, to be with me. Lois was with her group all the time- with the exception of a wave or a smile, I never saw her. And I hoped I wouldn't. For in school, she was always surrounded by Jesse and Jackie.

They worshipped the ground she walked on, they adored each and every word she said, defended each and every action of hers and smiled at every joke she made.

And it made me feel envious of her. It hurt me. Hurt me so bad when I was trying to turn over a new leaf. When I was trying to be more like Lois.

And it made me sad and reminisce the old days, it made me wistful for a past that I would never relive. I wanted to be there instead of her. I wanted to live her life.

But I knew that she had gone through a lot as well. That maybe what she had been able to taken into stride would've broken me into pieces. Nevertheless, we were still in the same place. We were all working hard to fit in at a place where we could never fit in, no matter how hard we tried, no matter how we hid in.

Sadness can take over a person's life. Sadness can become a person, destroy a person, strand a person in a place which is worse than anything hell can offer. It takes all their smiles and stays even when all their tears have vanished. It looms over a person, heavy and weighs the person down. It is in every shadow, behind every beautiful story, every sacrifice.

But you learn to live with it. You don't let it destroy your life, you fight against it, you find more happiness, you find new and you find laughter. You don't let it become your life.

It was then that I decided. It was then that I ended up at the Principal's office with Lois next to me.
"I would like to continue the CC program," I said quite clearly. I held my hands in tight fists, scared that something would go wrong now. Maybe I would faint again. Maybe I'd have a panic attack. Maybe I would die. I had spoken and when I spoke, something would have to happen.

"What? But dear, there is no one to take care of it and Miss Wright cannot simply do so much on her 0wn," The Principal said, giving me an apologetic smile. "Sorry dear. Now if you will... I have some work."

She seemed to have closed the matter but I was not ready to let go just yet. I was doing something for Cameron, and I would never let him down.
"Ma'am, with all due respect, Darlene and I will be able to take care of it, and we are going forward with it. We would just like official permission," Lois smiled at her grimly.
"Alright," The principal sighed, not wanting to get into any sort of drama. "Do whatever you think is right. But one problem and I shall revoke all permissions."
"Thank you," I said, and Lois and I turned around to go away.

"Are you okay Darlene?" Lois asked me once we were out of the office. "You look like you're going to faint any moment."

I shook my head in reply, I wasn't feeling anything. Then I realised quite suddenly that my heart was skyrocketing and my knees were shaking and my nails had drawn blood on my hand, and I sat down suddenly.
"Oh Dar, I'm proud of you though, it's alright, sit down. You just spoke, you do realise that right? And you didn't faint. Nothing happened. You can speak Dar," Lois smiled at me.

I can speak, I can actually do it without anything happening. Oh my, Cameron would've been so proud of me. So proud.
"Let me tell Derrick-"
"How did it go, Lois?"

I looked up and so did Lois, to find Jesse waiting there. His eyes were full of concern, blue and pretty and only for Lois.
"We're continuing with the Clean Cafeteria program," Lois smiled at him proudly. Jesse's mouth curved into a grin, and I realised that they had forgotten I was there, that their eyes were there just for each other. Suddenly, I wished I could just disappear.

"Jesse, I need to tell you something," Lois said, rather nervously, and I knew in that moment what she would ask and I pained on the inside. I wanted to run away, but I couldn't, I had to see this happening, had to feel it.
"Lois?" Jesse questioned, uncertain whether he was thinking the right thing.
"I think I... like you more than a friend," Lois said. It was quiet for a moment as they both absorbed this statement.
"I think I like you more than a friend too," Jesse smiled at her, with all his honesty present in those pretty blue eyes, all their niceness and meanness and darkness.

Their hands found each other's and curled around, and yet they were still intent in each other's eyes. I clenched my eyes, not wanting to see this, not wanting to know more, yet not able to run away. I was, but a spectator, it was their story.

"Will you be my boyfriend?" Lois whispered, and it was the most cheesy thing I had ever heard and my heart ached.
"Like you'd give me any other option," Jesse smiled and Lois smiled and suddenly all seemed perfect, but it wasn't. It wasn't to me. I wanted to gasp for breath, I wanted to rip my heart away, I wished that I could be happy for them instead of this darkness, this sadness, this spiral of jealously, of hurt.

Lois looked so pretty in her red shirt and blue skirt and black hair and olive skin and brown eyes and hope and happiness and light in contrast to Jesse's black shirt and blue jeans and pale skin and blue eyes and brown hair and broodiness and hope and dark.

And there I sat behind them, faded and frail and all things I was trying so hard not to be, to overcome.