Silent

22| Clearing the air

"You can't just keep collapsing," Derrick said, pacing around the room. "That's just wrong."
I raised an eyebrow at him. It wasn't like I told myself to collapse or anything. It's just that speaking made me really scared. I didn't speak because I just didn't feel like it. Speaking was a trait which just couldn't apply to me any longer.

"Okay, I know that it's not your fault," Derrick said a bit apologetically, awkwardly scratching his head, "I'm sorry. But we have to stop this..... Habit of yours."

And how on earth do you propose that?

I looked at him curiously.
"Dar..." He said hesitatingly. "Do you remember that promise us three made that day?"
Hurt flashed inside me. Of course I remembered it. I remembered everything of Cameron. Like I could ever forget him.

Except, I couldn't recall the exact intensity of his eyes any longer, even though I remembered them. Even though they were imprinted in my mind, haunting me every second of my life. Even though I had seen them for so many years.

Only two months. Two months and I could no longer recall the intensity of his eyes. If I tried to recall it in my mind, it felt fake. And it was a characteristic feature of his. No photograph could ever actually present it in all it's glory. It hurt. It hurt so much.

So much. Only two and a half years, and I couldn't remember the laugh of my parents or the way my dad's eyes looked when teased mom. Only two years gone past and everything had changed so much.

I wish it wouldn't change. I wish time wouldn't pass. I sometimes catch myself wishing it could be reversed. Yet time is another dimension altogether. If it is even real, that is. If you think about it, time is nothing but a concept we have developed to represent change. And there is reversible change for every irreversible one. Even irreversible changes can be reversed sometimes, so why can't time be reversed?

I nodded in reply to Derrick's question, coming out of my musings. Of course I remembered. The pact stated that we wouldn't question each other about our pasts. It was supposed to show that we didn't care about each other's undoings, that we only cared about their present and their future. That we weren't going to be hung up on the past. Of course, Cameron didn't really need to make that pact, but we were Angry, Mute and Special. We wouldn't be complete if all of us didn't do it.

"I do not want to break that pact, but... Dar. If we need to cure this 'collapsing' habit of yours whenever you speak, I really need to know about... your past." Derrick hade said all of this seriously and earnestly, but he looked quite guilty saying so, so I knew it was part curiosity as well.

It reminded me of Jesse.

After that... thing that happened two years ago, Jesse had tried to be there for me, even though I didn't tell anyone all the gruesome details. No one really knew what had happened except the fact that two gun men and broken into my house, killed my parents and left me quiet. There were rumours everywhere, and I just wanted to escape it all. Jesse was my escape.

Except he got entangled in my web and pulled down. His carefree laughs became rare and sarcastic. A streak of meanness made him it's home. His views became depressing and his jokes cruel. He lost himself and drowned because I pulled him down with me.

And even when I let him go, he still drowned because he had forgotten how to swim.

I could still remember it clearly, I could still remember the smell of wet sand, mud and green leaves.

"Darlene, I got you your favourite ice cream," Jesse said solemnly, "See? It's chocolate."
I didn't look up to meet his eyes, but kept my glance lowered, not wanting him to see my tears again, my tears of anger and sorrow.
"Arely, what's the matter?" Jesse asked me, concern lacing his voice when I didn't lift my face up.