The End of Lovesickness

5: As Good As Gold 4

The worst part is not knowing.

I didn't have any hope left. I was like a robot. I wasn't even sure what I was living for, except I was afraid of not being there if Noh ever came back. I felt so sick and guilty inside I could barely eat.

I was a coward and a failure. I couldn't protect Noh and I let him take the heat while I ran away. Looking back on it now I could've said or done a dozen different things to save him. Why hadn't I thought of at least one when it was all happening. I just sat there like an idiot and let it happen. And now not even his best friends knew where he was or what was going on with him.

They all suspected it had something to do with me. They were right. Noh is a jerk, but he's also a pretty amazing guy. Without him around the whole school seemed quieter.

After three days, I couldn't even pretend anymore. I couldn't smile. I couldn't focus in class. I didn't want to sleep in my bed because the sheets still smelled like him. I thought it was hard when Aim and I broke up. I thought that was the worst type of pain. I was wrong. This hurt a thousand times more because we didn't break up. We were simply separated.

For the first time, I felt like my love for Noh was dirty. I knew others might say it but I never believed it. I never thought of it as a sickness until now.

On Friday, I came home and went straight to my room. I didn't want to see anybody. I closed the door behind me and blinked back tears.

I don't remember falling asleep, but it was past midnight when I woke up. It took me a minute before I realized what it was that woke me up. The buzzing of my phone was muffled against the mattress. I answered without checking the display.

"Hey Pun, asshole. Let me in, the bugs are eating me alive out here," boomed the familiar voice. I looked at the phone in my hand as if I had mistakenly been listening to a shoe. I didn't recognize the number, but I would know that voice anywhere.

Without bothering to answer or hang up, I ran out of the house and threw open the gate. Noh stood outside the gate looking like he didn't have a care in the world. His jeans and t-shirt only reminded me that I was still in my uniform.

"What the hell, Pun. Are you just getting home?"

It didn't matter to me what kind of bullshit he said, I pulled him inside the gate and marched straight to my room. We went up the back steps to avoid running into anybody who might be up and roaming around at this hour. He didn't put up a fight. That should have made me happy, but with Noh it usually meant that there was trouble.

"Whose phone is that?" I asked over my shoulder after securing my bedroom door.

"P'Im. She let me use it for the night." He flopped down on the bed.

"How long are they going to keep your phone? When are you coming back to school? You already missed a week. It's going to be hell trying to catch up."

I keep talking because Noh isn't saying anything. He isn't answering and he isn't looking at me. When I have run out of things to tell him he takes a deep breath and walks over to where I am sitting. Without saying a word, he wraps his arms around me and hugs me tight.

I know it. I know he is never coming back after tonight. I know even before he says the words that tonight is a goodbye. He doesn't have to say anything. I know Noh too well. Everything he doesn't want to say is in his eyes. Without realizing it, I am clinging to his shirt, letting bitter tears run down my face, willing this not to be real.

Noh pressed those pink lips against mine and I let him. I feel guilty for letting him have his way. I keep seeing his Mother's face when she saw us in bed together and it makes me feel sick. I push him away lightly.

"I am leaving next week, but I promise I am coming back," he says before peppering my face and lips with kisses.

"How did you get out?"

"Ma and Pa went out of town this weekend for business. P'Im is covering for me. I have to be back early, but I couldn't leave without seeing you."

"I'm so sorry Noh. I am so sorry, this is my fault. Maybe we can get them to change their minds? I did this. I was the one who had strange thought first. I am the strange one."

I sound desperate. I don't care. Noh is hugging me again, stroking my hair and telling me something in a reassuring tone. I can't hear him. He is leaving and it's my fault. When I finally stop crying I am exhausted. Lying in bed together in the darkness, something catches my eye. Noh is wearing my ring.

"I didn't think you would wear it," I whisper.

"There is no point in hiding it. It's all out in the open now," he says, trying to sound nonchalant. He is right. There is no point in holding back how we feel now. Soon he will ne far away and neither of us know what will happen then.

I press my lips against Noh's mouth. He opens his drowsy eyes to look at me and I sweep into his mouth, tasting his sweetness and dueling with him. against my belly I can feel his body stir to life and respond to my touch. If tonight is our last night together, possibly forever, I am going to spend it memorizing his body. I am going to taste every inch of his skin and tell him how much I love him.

"I am going to come back," Noh says, as if he is reading my mind.

I pull his shirt over his head and pull his body against mine and whisper into his ear, "Not nearly soon enough."