The End of Lovesickness

14. How Love Survives When All Else is Lost 6B

By the second week, it was clear that "therapy" meant spending hours every morning and evening working so hard that your body and soul felt numb. The morning began before the sun rose in the sky properly. There was a run and then an hour of exercises in straight, silent lines, save for the grunting and moaning of the campers.

It also became obvious that the camp didn't employ any professional caretakers or cleaning staff. The campers themselves were charged with every aspect of maintaining the campsite. The punishing physical labor was overseen by the "team leaders" who looked like nightclub bouncers. Although nobody carried a weapon, after the first guy tried to attack a guard while escaping, it was clear these guys didn't need a weapon to be lethal. The would-be runaway was driven down the mountain in one of the two ambulances that were parked outside of the clinic cabin and never spoken of again.

Dinner time was the only time that boys and girls were allowed to interact freely. In fact, it was the only free time all day. But, it became pretty clear to everybody that they were all being watched. Boys who partnered up more than two evenings in a row were called in for one-on-one conversations with team leaders. All of the boys who came back from those "conversations" always seemed rattled and upset. Noh wasn't exactly clear on whether or not the girls had the same treatment, but he assumed so.

The food was pretty good, but there always seemed to be just enough. It was as if they calculated exactly how much food it would take to keep gnawing hunger at bay, and nothing more. Each night when I dragged my exhausted body back to my bed I would silently lament how often he took for granted the pleasure of sleeping with a full belly. For two weeks, although he'd been fed, he'd never been sated.

The hottest hours of the day were for "re-orientation" lessons. They felt more like shaming sessions to Noh. Everybody was encouraged to either admit to having inappropriate thoughts or would be subjected to criticisms about their behavior. If you sat too close to another boy, if your glances lingered too long, if your walk was too swishy, or your hand movements too flamboyant...everything was subject to scrutiny. Everybody suffered the scrutiny and shaming of the group, but it was especially hard for the boys who couldn't hide "it" very well. Some broke down into tears from the sheer exhaustion of always having to perform.

Despite the Noh, who had always considered himself a normal boy with an abnormal love felt more and more uneasy each day.

Sure, he liked girls. He liked porn. He liked girls in porn. But, he'd never been in love with a girl. He'd never even had a close female friend. Despite the girls that crowded around and screamed during his performances, he'd never felt anything but the exhilaration of performing for people and the strange gratitude of realizing that all of that cheering was for him.

That didn't make him gay, did it?

It was during one of these shaming sessions that he learned that there was another word he had to look out for. Bisexual.

Noh had always assumed that it meant liking boys and girls the same. He knew one or two guys who had been called bi, but they were just freaks. They didn't discriminate between holes at all. Noh wasn't like that.

"Most bi-guys are 80/20." Dr. Fletcher, one of the psychologists on staff explained. "Some of them are mostly attracted to women. They prefer women to men, but for the right guy, they are willing to abandon their masculinity and engage in an unnatural relationship. Some don't ever want relationships with men, they are simply excited by the sex. For others, it's the other way around."

Noh, who had barely been holding on to consciousness until that moment, woke up and began paying attention. The more the Doctor talked, the more he felt as though he were talking to Noh specifically. The longer the session went on the more he felt all of his will begin to drain away.

Bisexual. Not a freak. Not an idiot who can't tell the difference between one hole and another.

"But of course, such people tend to lead promiscuous and unhappy lives. You can't be truly happy or content with yourself when you are constantly in a state of limbo. They are just as confused and unbalanced as anybody else on the same-sex attraction spectrum," he said. "And it can be even harder to reach them because they can hide so well. Unlike gay men, they don't have to pretend to be attracted to women. They are. They just don't love women the way a normal man would."

The words felt like nails in Noh's coffin. He'd made peace with his relationship with Pun long ago. But, he'd never considered anything beyond that. He'd never thought that he needed a label. He wasn't gay. He wasn't a lady-boy. He was straight, it was just that his beloved also happened to be a boy. But there was nowhere for him to hide now.

Hadn't he cheated on his girlfriend to be with Pun? Hadn't he hurt his mom. Was he happy?

Noh went to dinner on wobbly legs and took his tray of food to his usual spot where Megs, the girl with the spooky blue eyes met him.

"Hey, are you okay," she asked.

Noh nodded mutely.

"What did they say to you?" She had a way of knowing what was happening all around them even when he wasn't sure himself.

"Nothing," Noh, tried to smile but couldn't quite manage it.

"Hey, look at me," she took his face in her cool, pale, palms and stared him in the eyes. "You have somebody out there who loves you and is waiting for you to come back. You love him and he loves you. Don't forget that. No matter what they said to you, remember that love is worth the price."

She spoke so softly and so quickly that Noh wasn't quite sure he'd heard her correctly. Saying those words in a place like this could land you in a deep conversation with the team leaders. She was taking a huge risk, and he appreciated her all the more for it.

"I got it," he said, holding her hands in his. IN any other place, they would have looked like lovers. In any other circumstance, Noh could see himself developing a crush on a girl like her. But here, under the trees, away from civilization, he was just happy to know he wasn't alone.

A/N: I thought I posted this last night but it doesn't show up this morning so I'm reposting. I hope you all enjoy it.