The End of Lovesickness

8: How Love Survives When All Else is Lost

Noh woke up in the middle of the night.

He couldn't remember what he was dreaming, and had long ago learned not to go seeking after those whisps of memory. It was best not to dwell on them. Keeping his mind on the things right in front of him was enough. 

He could hear Om snoring on the floor beside the bed. It wasn't that he wasn't willing to share his bed with Om, it was just that they had been drinking and the big guy fell asleep before getting into bed. Noh was in no position to try and carry him to bed, and so he threw a blanket over him instead and went to bed himself. 

Now he was glad he had.

It had been a while since he'd had one of these dreams. The last time he woke up in a panic, weeping like a scared dog in a thunderstorm. Despite the fact that he seemed perfectly normal on the outside, something inside him was shattered and it seemed like he was the only one who knew it. 

Unlike the other times, he knew WHY he was having dreams again. His malady had a name. 

Pun. 

He hadn't meant to see him. He just wanted to.... What?

Even he didn't know. 

He just wanted to be closer. Closer than he'd gotten in two years. Closer than he was supposed to be, and it all got messed up because Pun had seen him. 

"WHy didn't you call?"

The words broke his heart because there was no good answer. No answer that he would understand. 

I didn't call because I was afraid.

I didn't call because I was afraid that you wouldn't understand why I'm this way now. 

I didn't call because I wasn't what they thought I was but they tried to make me "normal" and now I don't think I know what that means anymore.

I didn't call because I missed you, and if I let myself miss you then all of those good times, all of the love and the care you gave to a guy like me wouldn't be nothing. If I missed you those feelings wouldn't change, those memories wouldn't fade, and they couldn't take it from me. 

Noh fingered the ring on the chain around his neck. It was bent and tarnished. They'd been through a lot together. He'd hidden it, buried it, put it on his toe in his shoe and hiked with it like that until it cut into his flesh and filled his shoes with blood. He'd kept it hidden and kept it safe. He'd been stubborn and unreasonable. He'd been foolish and troublesome. And how could he show his face in front of Pun again after all of that. 

He was no longer the Noh that Pun had loved. That boy existed only in their shared memories. 

"Why didn't you call?"

Because I stopped being your Noh. Because I'm not sure that even the super smart Pun is clever enough to pick up all the shattered pieces of me and reassemble the boy I once was. Because I have never loved anybody but you, and now I'm sure that I never will. 

Playing somewhere in the back of his mind was the memory of a woman with startling blue eyes tucking a hair comb, a last memento from a love long gone, into the pocket of her jacket. 

"Keep it here. Keep it safe," she said. 

Noh grasped the ring around his neck and closed his eyes. 

"Keep it safe."

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A/N: I know these least few chapters have been heart breaking but I swear the next few are uplifting. I just couldn't let it go without giving you all a sneak peak into Noh's head.