The End of Lovesickness

Rewritten Scene 3: Love After All

"Pun, do you love Aim?"

How was I supposed to answer him? What could I say that wouldn't cause him pain? At that moment it seemed like my only choices were to tell the truth or lie. Either way I would have to live with the consequences. I decided to give him the truth.

"I don't even know what love is like...."

Saying those words out loud made the small space between us on the bed seem like a wide gulf. As soon as I said them I wished I could take those words back and give him some other truth.

"I guess that's love then"

His voice had such a lonely note in it. Despite the darkness that enveloped us, I could see his shoulders drop in the moonlight. A sharp pang of panic struck me through my side and I couldn't leave it like this between us.

"Noh, those things I said about Aim....I feel just the same about you."

"Why did you have to say that?"

Because you are very important to me. Because I can't lose you. Because I don't want half truths to come between us. Because you seem so far from me and I am terrified of not being able to see you like this anymore.

Moments stretch out between us with nothing but the sound of the waves between us. There's a hollow feeling in my chest and fear chokes me. Before I have a chance to think I reach out and grab Noh. Holding his body against mine feels like the only way to close the chasm between us. Noh wraps his arms around my body and the emptiness in my chest disappears.

"Noh, I'm sorry," I'm too much of a bastard to let him go. Even if I have no right. Even if I know the one I should be holding is next door. I just hold him tightly and try to tell him the truth in my heart.

"I wish I could control myself better than this, but I..."

Despite the darkness I just can't go on. What I feel, I have no words to describe and no right to say. Looking into those bright and tender eyes, I feel the weight of the truth choking me.

"I can't either"

Noh's body shifts in my arms and his lips find mine. I can feel both of our hearts pounding and a soothing warmth spreads all over my body. Its always like this with Noh. Just with Noh. If what I feel for Aim is love, then what do I call this feeling blooming in my chest whenever Noh is beside me?

For a moment I let myself be caught up in his kisses.

"Pun...." he whispers my name between kisses and the sound brings me back to earth.

I can't do this to Noh. No mater what I feel for Aim, I won't make him the third party in our relationship. How could I repay all of his sincerity like that? I won't let my...love...for Noh, become something dirty and shameful. And I do love him, despite all the reasons.

I still can't bring myself to admit it out loud. He probably doesn't feel the same way. Truthfully, I'm not brave enough to even hope. And, no matter what I feel, I still have an obligation to Aim. Looking at those swollen lips in the moonlight its hard to think about what the right things are. Instead I just bury my head in Noh's neck and close my eyes.

I have no idea where we go from here but this love, filling my chest, is only for this Noh.