The End of Lovesickness

13. How Love Survives When All Else Is Lost 6A

When I arrived, Noh was having a loud conversation with a girl who was already drunk and a man I could only assume was her boyfriend. His smiling and laughing face was such a far cry from his upset, drunk, self that I was almost afraid to get any closer. I couldn't shake the feeling that something about my presence and our past made him nervous. The memories that were precious to me seemed to be disturbing to him and I couldn't help but wonder what happened in the weeks and months that I didn't hear from him.

Was it all one sided? Had I been in love on my own for all of these days?

"Noh!" I decided to be brave and face the things that scared me the most. Even if tonight was a disaster and we never reunited we could still be friends. Somewhere in my heart, the idea of never being able to take care of him again didn't feel right.

He looked startled as he looked up. Our eyes met and the same kind of falling feeling that I got that day, all those years ago, when a panicked boy burst into the Student Council Office, overcame me.

"Am I late?"

He smiled and ran his hands through his hair.

"No. I just ran into some friends," Noh said, looking slightly embarrassed. "We have to get going or we'll be late."

I waved goodbye and followed Noh as he walked away quickly.

"What's that all about? Did you make reservations somewhere?"

He ignored me and kept walking until I thought he would silently march all the way back to his parent's house. Finally, he turned a corner and stopped. Noh's eyes darted around nervously as if he was afraid we'd been followed.

"We're just friends again, right?"

"What?"

"All of those things between us are the past. As of right now, we are still just friends, right?"

I could feel my heart sinking but I tried hard not to let it show on my face. I looked at my feet for a moment, trying to get control of my emotions.

"Pun?"

I looked up at his begging eyes and couldn't bring myself to speak. How could I pretend that everything in the past was banished to the past? I lived with those memories every day. It may have been the past for him, but for me, it was yesterday, and today, and right this very moment.

He shoved his hands into his pockets and shifted his weight from side to side, his eyes glued to my face.

"Do you really want to forget me that much?"

"Pun, I..." He ran his hand over his head the way he often did when he couldn't find the words to say the things he wanted to say. The gesture was so familiar to me, despite not seeing him for so long, that I almost cried. How could I put all of those things in the past when he was still the same Noh.

"If you want to forget, that's okay with me. But as for me, I can't forget. I can't pretend either. If you say we're just friends then we'll be friends. That's better than not seeing you at all. But I won't forget, Noh. I know my heart and my heart knows the one that I love."

Noh leaned against the wall as I spoke, looking at me intensely. When I was done talking he made no move to leave, just continued staring.

"What? Did I become even more handsome?"

"Yes," he said, exhaling softly.

Whatever tether that had been holding me back broke in that moment. I crossed the line and leaned in to kiss him. I don't know why I did. I hadn't been planning it. I just couldn't take the longing in his eyes anymore. I couldn't stand my own longing either. If not seeing him had been torture, being this close and unable to touch properly was hell. A hell neither one of us deserved.

His body felt frozen, his lips and body stiff as a board. I could have been kissing a mannequin. In my head, I knew this was the end, but my heart would let me give in that easily. I couldn't have mistaken that look of longing in his eyes. I could mistake even my own name, but not that.

Slowly something changed. Instead of simply enduring my kiss, his lips began to anticipate mine. My fingertips stroked the hair at the nape of his neck, familiar with the texture but as yet still unused to the length. Noh's hands gripped the back of my shirt, holding on and yet still hesitant. I could feel him being torn apart inside and I held on tighter, determined to resurrect the warmth that we had.

I pressed my advantage, slipping deeper into his mouth and leaning into his warmth. This time Noh kissed me back, without hesitation. He let me cradled the back of his head and hold his body tight against mine. His ragged breath betrayed his mounting desire. For a moment all of the things that went wrong that night so long ago, all of the horrible things that were said that day, all of the months of separation felt worth it.

"We should get going or we won't have time to watch the movie," I said, trying to catch my breath and convince my "little buddy" that now was not the time to come out to play. There would be plenty of time for that later when we were finally alone, and Noh was ready. We'd already made it this far, through the pain of separation and back into each other's arms. We would make it through dinner and a movie.

A/N: I am splitting this chapter into two, one for Pun and one for Noh's recollections so that nobody gets confused. Please be patient with me, the holidays have everything in a jam both online and in real life. I am currently snowed in (yaay).