Cruel Reality [B1A4 Fanfic]

The Fall

It has been a week since I was discharged and I was back to composing songs.

I played it over to Producer-nim for the umpteenth time and again, he didn't like it.
Not all of it, but he wanted to take out the most soulfull parts of the song. I mean, what the heck?! I'm the one to produce them! Okay, so maybe I am a total novice at this and I need his guidance, but that was what was left of my soul. My being... alive. It was the reminder that I was once full of emotions. Maybe I poured all of it in those poems that's why I've got none left. I rolled my eyes at the thought but producer-nim thought I was rolling my eyes at him as he scolded me about the same wrong mistake I made in the composition.

"Yah Jung Cj! That's disrespectful! You can't even take reprimands now? You've become proud and egotistic. Don't forget that you didn't work hard for where you are right now as I did. Not even as hard as other idols or trainees did! You got in through your father, Cj." I looked away as he was saying that. I wanted to say that Hyungdon's not even my father, but of course out of respect I kept silent.

"You have talent, I'll give you that, but talent is nothing without the right personality to go with it. Your sweat and tears does not amount to that Infinite or even Lovelyz shed before debut, before success! You can't just waltz into fame and happiness without failures and downfalls. You have to learn how to accept mistakes, accept your fault and the cruel reality of it before you move on and learn from it. You are just a rookie, Jung Cj. Act like one, then come back here." He threw my notes on the floor and left.

I've been scolded worse by Hanjae eonni and Eunha eonni, but this time, something about what he said caught my full attention and thoughts. I slowly walked into my practice room letting everything he said in. Only, with a slightly different meaning going on in my head.
Okay, not slightly, it's a completely different meaning.

I scoffed. Does he even know how much tears I've shed in the past months? Does he even know how much I tried to accept this.. this.. this cruel reality? Does he?!
Does he even know how hard it has been for me to one day have a complete family and then the next minute I'm an orphan and I'm all alone. Then all of a sudden I have a new family and under the spotlight and then he tells me my tears does not amount to those of my sunbaes?! I wouldn't know, honestly. But my life isn't as easy as he thinks. My reality isn't as happy as it seems. My life... my heart ached thinking of all of this.

Before I knew it I was down on the floor clutching my chest and eonni was telling me something.

I felt hot tears on my cheeks and snot slipping from my nose. I couldn't move, I couldn't breath. I couldn't hear anything. My sight was hazy even with my new contacts and my mind swirled in daze. I panted, I stumbled.

I gasped aloud as I was finally able to breath. Eonni and a few of my back up dancers were surrounding me, asking if I was fine.

It felt like hours to me, but I had only been here for a minute. I panted heavily catching my breath.

Oh god. I just had another panic attack. Oh god.

I tightly shut my eyes.

I was guided into a chair by someone I didn't bother knowing. My mind kept on repeating my thoughts. But unlike before, felt nothing.

I wiped my tears and snot. It has been almost a year since I last cried like this, since I last felt something this.. this strong. I felt pain, I felt hurt, I felt alive.

But it was only for a minute. Because right now, even as I tried recalling what I just felt that caused a panic attack, I couldn't.
I felt empty. Void of emotions. Void of soul. Void of life.

I felt horrible. I felt numb.

I felt like I was falling somewhere deep. Somewhere empty. Like oblivion. I shook my head.

I tried thinking of my real family. Nothing.
I tried thinking of Chris and Chloe. Nothing.
I tried thinking of anything that would give me any kind of feeling at all but fuck I felt nothing!

I didn't realize I was clutching my head and groaning until I felt a pair of arms hug me tight.

"It's okay. It's gonna be okay." His voice soothing me. It was Sandeul.

Not.

I looked up and saw no one. My back up dancers were just watching me while eonni was nowhere.

I was alone sitting. He wasn't here. My light, my hope wasn't here.

And then I felt myself fall.

Into the darkness of indifference.