Dr. Leafhead: Story of a Mad Scientist, Part 1

Four Years Later I Arrived

                                           Four Years Later I Arrived...

  ...on the grounds of Chateau Leafhead (driving a truck large enough to move the jellyfish tank) and the first thing I noticed was the Universe-Interpreter.  It just looked like a totally weird telescope to me. Most people would have thought it was a visual decoration with no practicality whatsoever.

  The house looked as if it had countless rooms.  Nobody was around so I rang the bell.  After a moment I heard someone through an intercom.

  "Who are you?" asked a voice that I was sure belonged to Dr. Leafhead.  "Collection agency about the spiders?"

  "What?  No.  I'm Jonathan Farquharson.  You sent me a letter about coming here to work as an intern."

  "Yes, I remember it well," said Dr. Leafhead as he lapsed into a nostalgic coma.  "It was late spring.  I was busy converting some of the household plants into carnivorous reptiles through a very complicated alchemical process involving spleen-cells and shredded parsnips.  Later that evening the television said something I didn't like about hurricane trends so I invented a new weather channel.  I also told you to come at once.  That was four years ago." 

  "Some of the items on your list were hard to find.  I thought it better to be late and have everything then to show up right away empty handed."

  "I did hire somebody else," explained Leafhead.

  "You did?"

  "Yes.  Melvin was a good Intern.  Unfortunately he didn't outlive your tardiness.  If you just look to your left you'll see I have his gravenext to a few of the other Interns who have passed away while living here."

  I turned and saw there was in fact a small gathering of markers on the far lawn.

  "I should mention that none of them died in connection with any experiments of mine," said Leafhead.  "Those Interns are secretly incinerated," he added with a whisper.

  "What?"

  "I said their devotion is exceedingly unmitigated."

  "Oh."

  "Wait right there.  I'll be down within three orbital rotations of the microscopic universe Jaladrome as it is affected by an Earth leap year when passing through the fifth quadrant of Cygnus."

  In five minutes the front door creaked open.  Dr. Leafhead didn't quite look like your usual mad scientist.  He wasn't very old and didn't wear glasses or an immaculate white lab-coat.  He did wear a lab-coat, mind you, it was just that any trace of cleanliness had been wiped out by a psychedelic splatter-painting of past experiments.  One cliche he did fall under was the shock of grey hair.  It was electrified by a manic indifference towards grooming.  He rather looked how Steve Martin would look if he dropped a ton of acid and got struck by lightning.  

  Suddenly his wristwatch crawled off his arm and scurried into the gardens.

  "It's gotta get some fresh air and unwind," explained Leafhead casually.  "No bother.  I have a bunch more.  Do you want one?"

  He reached into a pocket and produced two wristwatches.  He handed one to me.  It was clear I was dubious about whether or not I wanted a miniature robot clinging to my arm.

  "Don't worry.  They're harmless."

  I put the watch on.  It took a minute to calibrate itself to my state of mind before displaying a time that was not correct, but instead the time I would have guessed it was had I been queried by a random passerby.