Many say that love is a wonderful thing. I'm not sure what I'd say. I'm always questioning whether or not the feelings that stir inside of me should be considered love.
I hear tales on TV and popular media: your heart skips a beat every time they look at you, the light in their eyes, their smile, overlooking their faults and them yours.
What differentiates from a mere crush? Because surely these feelings are all the same in any case. Or are they? Having never experienced love, I cannot know. Or at least I tell myself I've never experienced love, only infatuation because I'm too afraid of contracting such a feeling. Such a burden as love.
Something so profound and so profuse that renders one of no use. Under love's lock, latched like livestock. Terrifying. So terrifying that one person has the ability to send tremors through your body. Even more terrifying that another is capable all the same. Am I fickle? Infatuated? Afraid of love.
Petrified of heartbreak, but more so of
something that takes you so very high that there is nowhere else to go but down. Gravity. Down. Low. Love has lows that blow. Blow in the winds of change, another frightening facet of this human life is strife.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that there can't exist good if there isn't any bad. And love, that indescribable human state, a nirvana where Cupid has the crown, is so profound. It's so universal and the very basis of human life. Mother and child and God and pets and food and...love.
I dream about it. But I wouldn't dare chase it in reality and experience the stress and woes and cries and woah, I'm pulsing faster just thinking about it.
Right now, I have a crush and I'm afraid of compromising who I am whilst playing this love game. It's like sweet alcohol that reveals your true nature and churns you up when you've tasted a little too much. A snare? A crush.
My heart dances on its own melodic strings at the same time twisting into itself into a spring. To love will I ever let my heart cling? And experience all it has to bring?
I don't know. I don't want to know. Yes, I do. I don't know what I want. Sometimes I do.
This roller coaster ride my head is on doesn't want to let my heart go for a spin. But maybe if it did love would win. Throw up its hands and scream from its lungs during the steep drops and curves of accelerated fun.
Here's what I'll do, I'll look through the peep hole as love knocks at the door. And at least listen for it to tell me something good. I'll spend a few dollars I'll never get back but I'll be a little wiser. And hopefully I spent that money on something worth it at least for a little while. That's what I'll do.
People say let your heart lead. I can never discern when who's saying what. If it's my heart my brain my ear or my eye, I'll follow where it leads and I won't be shy. Be it hearty laughter, warm teardrops, or blissful joy, at least I'll be able to say that it was something I bore.
I still don't know whether what I'm feeling in this moment is infatuation, love, lust, or crush. I wonder if when I do finally truly experience it will I look back on these times and compare. Laugh at myself for all the pressure I've put on this here. I don't know. I'll find out soon enough...or at least I hope so. How can you live life without knowing love? But that one true love, soul mate love, that's what I yearn for but am afraid of all the same. I'm still a virgin while we're at it, does that help explain?
I have yet to experience much of life so here is something to take all you aged cats back. Back to a time and place where you didn't know anything about anything but craved it as if you did. Wishing you had a lid to put it all away. But happy there isn't one to keep you at bay. Away from love, from going blissfully astray. I only know of today
but ask for tomorrow's mercy already. Mercy from love, heady or unsteady because I don't know that I'm ready.
But it's highly likely that you can't prepare or brace yourself for all that love will make you bear. So why try? I'll let it wash over me although I'm pretty sure it's always been in me, in each of the follicles of my hair. I am love and I am unbearable, broken, striking, confusing, unknown, and blissful all the same. It's happiness is in my name. Engrained in the very fabric of my pain as I try to keep sane. As these high school years continue to wane.
Love. To label and tame would make for good game. Love, I wish these thoughts didn't currently reign. Love, I've let you pitter patter like California rain. Love, I'll only have you to blame if you set my soul to flames.
03.10.16
