Secret (Alec Lightwood)

Chapter 23

A couple hours later, a small knock on my door distracts me from the picture of my old home in Idris that I'm looking at.

"Hey," Izzy says from the now open doorway.

I sigh and put the picture down. "Yeah?"

She walks in and closes the door behind herself. "You okay?"

"I guess, why?"

"You kinda stormed off earlier, you looked upset. Now Alec's panicking, thinking he did something wrong and he's gonna lose you."

I sigh. "I just keep forgetting that the three of you have been a team for nearly your whole lives."

"Char, you're part of our team."

I shake my head. "No, I'm not. No matter how much I want to be, it'll always just be you three. I'm an outsider that invaded. That team is you three, there isn't a place for me in there."

"Char-"

"You didn't even tell me you were going to the Silent City. You didn't have to bring me but you could've told me. Instead, you went together. With Clary. I'm done trying to be good enough for you people."

"You are good enough."

"No, I'm not. Lately you three have been keeping things from me, even Alec. You're hiding things, and I don't know why. I tried not to let it get to me but I'm not doing well at it. It does bother me. Because I keep forgetting that it's only you three."

"Don't you think that for even a second!"

"Stop denying it, Isabelle. No matter how hard I try, I still don't belong there. You three bonded so tightly over years, and I kinda just wiggled in there. I don't belong there. I don't belong with you three."

"Yes you do! You're one of Jace's best friends! You're my parabatai! Hell you're Alec's fiancé! If you think for even a second that we don't care about you-"

"I never said you don't care. I just said that I don't have a place in your group."

"Yes, you do."

"No, I don't! I don't belong anywhere! I don't belong in your group, I don't belong in Idris, hell I hardly even belong in this damn Institute! I had one job in life, which was to kill the vampires that killed my family and took Fred away from me. I did that long ago. My purpose is done."

"Your new purpose is to make Alec happy. To be my best friend. To be Jace's sister."

I shake my head. "Can you do me a favor?"

"What?"

"Go to Alec, tell him he didn't do anything wrong. Say that I did."

"You didn't do anything!"

"Exactly. I haven't done anything. I've killed some eidolons, Downworlders, several types of demons. That's nothing, compared to the rest of you. You're freaking Lightwoods. Honor resides in your family, even just in the name. Even if I marry Alec and change my last name, I won't be a Lightwood. I'm not like you guys. I'm an orphan that only trained hard to avenge her family's death, and has tried several times to kill herself ever since!" As soon as I realize what I said, I throw my hand over my mouth.

"You tried to kill yourself?"

I sigh. "Many times."

"When was the last one?"

I look down at the ground. "A few weeks ago."

"Charlotte-"

"Isabelle, there isn't anything you can do to save me at this point. If I make a final decision, I make my decision."