Express Yourself

Chapter Five

It's Monday again, and I open my eyes. I don't feel like myself. I feel empty. I sit stark upright, and feel like I'm going to cry. I swing my legs over the edge of my bed, and put my head in my hands. I look up at my favorite poster, a picture of Lady Gaga with tears running down her face, and a quote, saying, 'When you're lonely, I'll be lonely too.' I looked to her for my inspiration, and strength.

I got up and got dressed. I walked into the bathroom and half-heartedly did my hair and brushed my teeth. Walking into the kitchen, I opened the freezer and pulled out a sausage buiscut. I threw it in the microwave and set it for thirty seconds, hitting start. I pulled out my iPod, and hit shuffle. You and I by Lady Gaga came on, and I just burst into tears. I was reminded of Olivia, her beautiful jet-black hair, her deep brown eyes, her soft skin, angelic voice, I couldn't take it. The microwave beeped and I took out my buiscut and ate a few bites off of it. I couldn't even eat I was so upset.

I got my stuff together for school and headed out the door. I locked it, and walked to the bus stop. Wiping tears off my face, I saw Kayla, Austin's big sister. She was pretty cool, She was a year older than me, and she loved to pick on Austin. From the looks of it, she had beat Austin up for dumping me.

My phone vibrated in my pocket, and I pulled it out. I had a text, from Olivia.

"Hey, are you mad at me?" She texted. i didn't bother texting back. I needed to move on. I got another text from her, this one saying she loved me and was sorry for everything. I ignored them both.

I crossed the road to the bus stop and Kayla smiled at me. I gave her a fake smile and waved at her. I sat on the ground and just listened to my iPod. The song Fall For You by Secondhand Serenade came on, and all I could do was think about Olivia. I single tear fell from my eye, and I heard Austin walking up to Kayla.

I heard her push him away and spit on him. I heard the bus pull up and I got to my feet. I sat down quickly and put my head down. I changed the song on my iPod and Brown Eyes by Lady Gaga came on. I listened and mouthed the words along with the song. Intent upon closing my eyes to relax, my phone vibrated again. I checked it, and it was from Lily. She wanted to see how I was feeling, beause I had texted her last night telling her about what happened. I texted her back and told her i wanted to be left alone, but thanks for checking on me. I put my phone away, wanting to just relax and think.

I Will Not Bow by Breaking Benjamin came on, and I thought of Olivia. I was broken hearted to think of how hurt she must be, after I essentially shot her down. I felt so guilty, and strangely, I felt like I wass, well, attracted to her. What the hell is going on with me, I thought. Am I a lesbian? I've never experimented with my sexuality. All I knew was that I had had a few boyfriends, and I loved them, but I knew that that wasn't how love felt. I'd always felt very deeply for Olivia, but I always saw it as a friend type of love.

I didn't know what was going on with myself. I asked myself the same questions over and over again: Do I harbor a secret love for Olivia? Am I a lesbian? As I sat here and thought about it, my surroundings completely disappeared. I entered a daydream, about Olivia. All I saw was me, standing there with her, my arms wrapped around her waist, her hands running through my hair, and our lips locked tightly onto each other. At that moment, I realized what this is: I'm in love with Olivia.

I glanced out the window and saw the school. I quickly turned my iPod off and put it in my pocket. I got up out of my seat and walked off the bus. sauntering inside, I see Olivia walk in behind me. She starts walking quickly towards me, and I know she wants to talk. I can't do this, I thought, and I quickened my pace. I looked back once more, and I see her beautiful face. She's been crying. That killed me. But I told myself, I need to move on, no matter how much I don't want to.