Chapter Four:
The way I viewed life was a complete series of trials and events—which, of course, involved a lot of ups and downs. On one hand, I had a best friend/cousin, who was going through something close to hell, and on the other hand was me dealing with feelings that rapidly grew in a matter of seconds. I hated the way I acted after I kissed Samantha David. I hated how I decided to keep myself away from any activities that regarded her. Christmas eve came and went and then there was New year’s eve, then school started again, then valentines, but then…here I was, still not talking to her.
I avoided her completely, without any warnings or what so ever. I’d see her along the corridors of our school, she’s look at me and I’d look at her, but then almost instantly, I would intentionally go the other way. I’d hear her call my name sometimes, but more often than not, I would pretend that I didn’t hear anything. She’d call my phone, but I wouldn’t answer, let alone call her back. See? Like I said, I’ve become a jerk. I’d breathe in the memory of that one kiss we had. I’d relive that moment; her eyes, her smile, the way she smelled, the way her lips moved with grace along mine. I’d think about it over and over again. And I’d think, “God. What happened to me?” Why was I so shy of talking to her? It was not like I wanted to kiss her—I mean did, but it was not like I forced it on her or something! Stupid. I was going through a very serious epidemic. And what’s worse is that I was also hurting her in the process.
I remembered how she gave me this long message on my 16th birthday. The fact that she even greeted me already showed the angelic side of her was and all I said was thanks. THANKS?! It did not need to take an expert to decipher that I, Clay Jacobs, had turned into someone very different. Someone I forever resented to be.
I got a call from Skylerk on the 14th of February 2004, telling me how Lindsey had already given birth to a beautiful girl. Skylerk also told me that he had already asked Lindsey to marry him, and that Lindsey said yes. That was the best news I have heard so far since this whole thing broke out. At least something was going right, I thought. By this time, Samantha had already stopped calling me. She stopped trying to talk to me; trying to find out how I was, or what I was doing. The heck! She even stopped looking at me whenever we were in school. It was clear how I had already succeeded in my unwanted goals of pushing her away. My life was a mess, and I hated the responsibility of having to clean it as soon as possible.
I got the chance to speak in front of the whole school one day. Now, this was the whole school, meaning, a specific girl named Samantha David will be sitting in the crowd. I could tell by the way she looked that she was really upset by what I had done to her. She sat on the first row, right next to Jane Crowd, and Audrey Law—her best friends—with her eyes still not looking at me. She would look up and down, talk to her friends and then look at her feet, but never at me. It was when I mentioned a broken relationship that I so badly wanted to be fixed when I knew I finally got her attention,
“It was my fault,” I told the crowd. “And if I could fix it, I really would.” Sam knew that the broken relationship that I was talking about was with her—and by the way Jane and Audrey stared at me, I could tell that they knew it too.
Samantha looked at me and our eyes locked for a moment—a very painful moment—but then she glanced away and faced another direction. I nearly cried when that happened. I could no longer take the fact that we weren’t talking to each other. And I missed her so much. Much more than one person can ever imagine.
After my speech, everyone went off to their own little ways; some went to the mall, others went home, Mark went to church, while I, on the other hand, stayed in school, waiting for, yes you know it..Samantha. After almost 3 months, I was finally going to talk to her again. I sat outside her car, and waited until around ten in the evening. Maybe, if she knew I was there, she would have come in earlier.
Anyway, when I was about to fall asleep on the pavement, a sound of gentle footsteps approaching woke me back up. They were familiar steps, and it didn’t take much of a second for me to recognize who it was. With that, I stood up, brushed some leaves off my jacket and called her,
“Samantha…”
“Clay?” She turned to face me, “What are you doing here?” As if she didn’t know already.
“I came to talk.” I said,
“Oh…” There was a long pause before she finally spoke again, looking away as she did so. “I’m busy, Clay..” She says, with her usually smiling and cheerful face nowhere to be found.
“Just give me a minute or two. Please.” I begged her to stay. Her eyes looked serious as they went back to look at mine. And with that, I started to shake.
Samantha wore a long black trench coat with her hair slightly messed up. Honestly? All she needed was a riffle and she could already pass as an assassin. I took in small gulps in between breaths and waited for her to answer. I wouldn’t blame her if she says no, you know. Like I said earlier in my speech, “it was all my fault.” I mean, here we were at the very height of our friendship and I crashed it down to its doom without even telling why. It was a horrific moment for me to relive. I felt embarrassed and awkward at the same time.
Minutes have passed and still no one was talking. We were now strangers to each other, and also strangers to ourselves. We were untrained, unprepared. There wasn’t a class that offered how to deal with situations such as…..rekindling a long lost relationship. No. Because if there was indeed one, then we wouldn’t be in this mess. But here we were. And for the longest time, Samantha and I stood there in silence as the low moon hovered over us.
“I just….don’t understand, Clay.” She began to say, “I really don’t! I did my best to try and figure what our problem was, what went wrong. But I just couldn’t understand! Was it something that I said? Did I do anything wrong—”
“No. You didn’t say or do anything.” I said, moving a little closer,
“Then what is it Clay?!” She began to raise her voice, “Please tell me what! Because, to tell you the truth, this bothers me so much and I have no idea why!” I could not answer her question. I was shocked with what she just said. Her eyes were now turning red and tears were starting to run down her face. But then again, I didn’t do anything to stop them from falling. I just merely stood there silent as a rock as she travailed before.
With minutes passing right before our eyes, Samantha began to grow impatient. And who wouldn’t?! If the one you’re talking to won’t even talk back. Sam stumped her foot in frustration and said, “Gees, Clay! This feels like New year’s eve all over again! The first time you didn’t return my phone call!” She tears up even more. “I don’t know what you’re problem is, but I’m leaving!” She moved past me and began to walk towards her car,
“And you know what, Clay?” She paused for only a second and turned to me, “I wish we’ve never met!”
With those words, my heat broke like a fragile glass. It was then when I couldn’t take it anymore. I got closer, this time I didn’t care how close I was to her. I knew what I had to say, so without even thinking, I said it.
“I love you, Samantha.” Samantha froze after that. And as I stood there, I saw how she turned around to look at me.
“You what?”
“I love you.” I took another step closer. This time we were only a few inches apart. And I could feel her breaths reaching my face. I didn’t say anything for a while, I just looked at her, her hazel eyes were red from crying, and I saw fear starting to register in her face.
“Sam,” I said, “the moment I realized how much I loved you, was the very moment that I realized how frightened I was of it. How frightened I was of everything. I got scared. So I ran…” I paused again before taking another breath only to say, “I am really sorry of what my actions have done to you. And I understand if you will never find it in your heart to forgive me.” Then without saying another word, I turned around and walked away.
