CLOUDS | hat films

| dix |

Samuel moved out. I don't know where he went, and I don't really give a fuck. All I know is he's gone.

That also means that I'm back in my old apartment now. No more Alex-scented beds for me.

It's early January and the air is still cold. Every day I carpool with Alex silently and then record videos with Hat Films and pretend like nothing ever happened. I try to ignore the comments on the videos talking about the chemistry we have but that doesn't stop people from sending me links to 'Smio' fanfiction.

Some of them are actually really good. They're eloquent and well-written with some good, genuine plots. When I finish reading them I'm left with a sense of delight and joy but also an underlying feeling of sadness realizing that they don't know the current situation.

Ross invited me to go with him, Alex, and Trott to PAX in Boston. Of course I accepted; PAX was my favorite event when I lived back in New York- not only was it a great time, it was also a relatively short drive.

This time, however, I'd be subjected to constant recording from Ross along with the live tweeting I'd always done for the convention. I'd also be spending 2/3 of the day with the three amigos.

You never know, I guess. Maybe it'll be fun hanging out with them that much. We're good enough friends- especially Trott and I lately. He'd been very 'buddy-buddy' ever since the livestream thing. I didn't mind though. It was nice to have someone to talk to whenever I needed and to be able to go places with. Trott and I were both board game aficionados, so we went to D&D nights together pretty often.

Trott and I were eating at some sandwich place downtown after a long game night at around 10:30PM.

"Excited for PAX?" he questioned, dipping a fry into some ketchup.

I quickly swallowed the food in my mouth. "Eh. So-so," I muttered.

"So-so is not good enough, E, alright?" He slammed his fist on the table jokingly. "You're gonna be at a gaming convention with your three favorite people in the world, you're gonna be close to home," he trailed on. "What more could you ask for?"

I laughed loudly, more than likely annoying the one or two other diners and the staff left at the late hour. "You've got a point there, Trotty," I admitted. "I don't know; I've always gone alone so I feel like it's gonna be a little weird."

"You don't need to worry about it!" he assured. "We always have fun traveling and it's just gonna be better with you there."

His comments made me grin. "That's sweet. Of course I'm excited. It's just gonna be... different, I guess."

He popped the last fry into his mouth, smiling back at me. "Well, different can be good," Trott reasoned. "Are you gonna eat the rest of your sandwich?"

"Nope, you're welcome to take it." He obliged, pulling the sandwich off my plate. "So what's the whole hotel room situation?" I asked.

"Well, I kind of assume you'll want to have your own room, but if you'd like to share with a certain someone," he said, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

"No, no, and no," I replied. "I'm pretty sure Alex, like, hates me or something. In any case I'd rather not make it worse."

"Smith does not hate you, E. He just doesn't handle stuff like this very well, and I-"

"Please just don't try to make me feel better, Trott. I just don't want to end up making my situation worse," I interrupted.

He raised his hands defensively. "Sorry. It's just hard to see you and Smith drift further apart. And I know you're trying, but still- it's insane comparing November to now."

I nodded solemnly, my eyes focusing on a tiny spill on the table. He was right- it was crazy to see the change one stupid kiss made.

Trott took the last bite of my sandwich. He huffed a breath, rubbing his stomach for a few seconds. "You ready to go?" he asked.

I nodded in response, following him out the door to his car. He patted me on the back momentarily. "You're gonna be okay, E. I promise."

When we got back to my apartment, it was around 11:20. I stepped through the door, locking it behind me. I fell onto the couch, pulling out my phone as I did. I began scrolling through my Twitter feed, looking through all the pictures I had posted.

Most of them were just stupid memes or video thumbnails, but after a while I got back to the older ones. There were pictures of me and Trott dressed up to go to our game nights, which granted me a laugh as I looked at our shoddy DIY outfits. Then there were a few pictures of Sips and me together making stupid faces, along with some of Turps and me.

Then I got back to the older ones. There were pictures of Alex, Trott, Ross, and me all together and smiling. And finally I got to the pictures of just Alex and me.

It was oddly satisfying but also sad and tiring at the same time. I couldn't help but stare at the two of us together, the height difference incredibly evident. I kept feeling an odd nostalgia thinking back to the days the pictures were taken, even though the pictures were relatively recent.

Eventually I got back to the first photos in England: those first photos Alex and I took of each other in that really nice restaurant. The awkward bitch-face I was giving in Alex's picture made me laugh, but the context felt odd. It had been so long since Alex and I had done anything together voluntarily outside of work that it didn't even feel like the picture had ever happened.

I tried to shake of the tired feeling which was overwhelming me, but it was no use. I was going too into depth on these stupid photos that most people probably didn't remember, so I locked my phone, put it on the charger, and headed to bed.

| a/n: sorry for the relatively short chapter! but on the bright side, i'm back baby! get excited for the next chapter 'cause it's PAX [ part 1 ;) ] ya'lllllll. some good stuff is about to go down.. you just wait. |