bad bitch life

almost done

i can't live without you, at least seen you, you are everything i want have for now, you show me how special i am for you, and i will never abandon on you, i wont give up, as long as you want to be mine, as much as i want to be yours, only yours.

20 march: the most painfull conversation i had with collin my bad boy, before two days ago i told him, if he want me to be his own, he have to proove that he deserve my virginity, care about me , make me feel im special to him, and he said he will..

today 20; we talked again, and he was trying making me accept, and as i've said, i repeated to him what he should do, to be his own, but he insist he want me, like he's hurry for something in this vacation, i dont know why, i've clearly told him if you are hurrry why you dont just go flirt and do whatever you want with any other girl, or girls", and the unexpected answer come..

he said; ''no the only thing i will do, is being with you, YOU WILL BE MINE, that's how you want me to say it, dont you !'' and i was completely shocked but this convince,....
after he added;'' i want you to say it, say collin i will be yours, say i will give u my soul collin, i wanna hear that from you, bae".

i didnt know what i should tell him i told him that im sorry for not being able to accept such a request, and that he know how much i want him and love, but it's just not this way, and he said another unexpecting word, he said ''come on bae, be mine, lets live for each other, as much as i want you, only you, to be mine".

we discussed a lilttle bit more and....he said he cant wait more, he cant wait till i will talk to him about my stituation, about my fears about why i cant accept his request, at the end i think he still dont know me well...
i wantted to explain to him, not my rights, but things which wont tear us apart, he wouldnt let go, "us" , he wont......
he said "it's done", and my heart droped, i know he dont mean it and he wont get far, but the word hurts, he cant wait, he want me and i know that , but i just cant...i wish he will hear me, hear what i wanna tell him.
i sent to him a note after he sent the msg and went off line:
Collin "its done''.
Me "i wish it didnt like that."
"jst remember one thing plz ,i loved you and i still do love you, ur my crazy bad boy ookey.""

i know what you did last summer; song"" ahhaaa hayeee

and yes i've been crying in theis past days, it hurt a lot, when you know and believe that you want and you will do anything and whatever it takes for the one you love, but, you cant for the situation you are in, or the reason which stops you, it's not about trust or risks, it's about self respect that we've build, that we cant just abandon on it, it's that part which have to pass by a lot things to get lower, to fell, to be with no value, then we could do anything , cz it wont worth that much , it's nothing matter. anymore.
and i didnt reach that part of low values yet, so i cant let go my basics.

i cant lose him and i cant even imagine that, but im afraid, and i have the right. its my fucking virginity.i cant just try if it will work or not, once it gone, it wont get back....

i want to tell him yes i will be yours but basicly im his already, i trust him, the time i will decide to be with him, i have to get sure he loves me and he wont let me.
i want and i will be his girl, and from my view point, "his wife" as well.

i dont know what to do actually , and by accident , this stupid numbers on the watch came all time like, 9:9..5:5, and it comes even at 00:00 wooo , im playing it for my missing, it has been only one day since we have talked, im already missing him.

there's a deep feeling in my inside that he will come to see me the first day of school back, or at least he will text me again, about the situation" he will"".

heyyy what do u thinkkk , does it worth to finish , well im waiting new just like u cz its a true story, it's about my present life soo..im waiting new things to happen soon, see yaaa and voteeeeeee...
ND