The Lasting Days Of Samantha Piper

Prologue

TIED TIES

The first phenomenal moment I experienced with ties was probably most people first's too.

It was nothing out of the ordinary. My first tie was when I did my shoelace way back in kindergarten when I was four years old. The class was over and my Nana went with my teacher to talk about something where any four-year-old isn't allowed to listen to. Obediently as I was raised to be, I sat on wooden bench as I wait for her to come back. But maybe I wasn't that much of a good girl, because if I am, this childhood memory will become irrelevant on what's about to come soon.

I'm not that good. 

It was a fact that I did know when I was still a kid. Or maybe it was because of eating too much cookies the night before, despite my Nana telling me to do the opposite. Something wrong was happening in my stomach. I could hear it rumbling, and I realized that the feeling wasn't as funny as it was shown on cartoons.

I badly need to go to the comfort room but I just can't because shoes aren't allowed in there. I need to get them off. I was fine with that part, and my only worry was about how I'd put them back again. I don't know how to tie my shoelaces.

So I waited for a few more minutes, took a deep breath in repetitions, and paced back and forth. I was hoping that my stomachache will magically disappear after I did this routine. But it didn't. My tummystill hurts, so I had no choice but to remove my rubber shoes off and go inside. Good thing was, I'm potty-trained. Nana was proud of that. I can already wash myself.

And then, I was back to my original problem. I can't tie my shoelaces. The day's getting darker, and I'm finding that the comfort room and its stalls were getting scarier.

I had to get out of here.

I chanted in my mind, and I remember, with my nervous small hands, attempting to tie my shoelaces. I can see how I failed and tried again, and again, until I did it successfully then I dashed towards Nana who just finished talking to my teacher. She was so proud when she saw my shoelaces, and I guess my teacher was too because I got three stars stamped on my forearm.

Now that I think about it, as I remember that day, I learned how to tie due to my survival instinct that responded with the need of getting out of that place.

A survival instinct meant to keep me safe.

I'm seventeen now. 

And earlier, just a minute ago, I've done my last phenomenal tie. Just like the first, I also did it by instinct and nervous hands. It was pushed with the feeling that I don't want to be here anymore. I failed but finally met the desired outcome after a few more trials.

But this time, I'm not running towards Nana nor anyone else. This time I'm running for the stars, not just three but billions of them. Everything felt so close to me now. I just need to do this loop around my neck.

I just want to feel safe. I just want to be free.

Dear T, please understand me.