Spice - Jensen Ackles x Reader (High School AU)

Part 8

  You let a small content sigh as you adjusted your bag on your shoulder and started walking down the silent road that led to your house. Well, almost silent.

A sound caught your attention and normally you would have brushed it away. But the fact that you were still so close toCastiel's house and the fact that the sound seemed all the more like footsteps made you panic on the inside because-Because it would only mean someone was there and watching you as you came out of Castiel's house and even kissed him. It would not be hard for them to realize that you had spent the night there considering the time of the day, it was pretty early.

You stopped dead on your track and even if you dreaded to you turned around. Only to come face to face with-

"Can we talk?" came his broken voice.

You let out a small breath, trying to put on a hard face but it was impossible considering the look on his face.

"About what?" you snapped.

"Us" he whispered.

"Really?" you tried to suppress a laugh "You've got to be kidding me" you willed yourself to be sharp and not crack because of the hurt look on his face.

"I don't think we have anything to talk about Jensen" you wished, crossing your arms over your chest.

"I do" he tried to say firmly "Won't you just give me this one chance?"

You clenched your jaw "As far as I remember I gave you that one chance long ago and you crushed it like it was nothing to you, why should I keep waiting my time now?"

You saw hurt in his eyes along with... anger? At whom though? Himself? You?... Castiel?

"Is it really that or the fact that you are scared that maybe your boyfriend will see us and might start doubting you?" he said through gritted teeth and you looked at him more angry than before.

"Just so you know, although it is none of your job, he trusts me. As hard as it may be to understand, couples do trust each other. One of the basics in a relationship, other than love. But of course you have no idea what those words even mean."

He smiled bitterly "As hard as it may be for you as well I do know what those words mean."

"Oh really?" you crossed your arms over your chest "And when was that exactly? Because the Jensen I know was never one for real feelings. No strings attached and just having his fun. Not giving a fuck about the hearts he broke"

"I did-" he said firmly, truly believing his words "You know I did" he looked at you dead in the eyes.

You shook your head, looking away from him "I don't know anything anymore Jensen"

"You said you love him" he said as if completely ignoring what you had said – though the look on his face said otherwise.

"Oh so you're spying on me now?" you said defensively.

"No I-" he frowned shaking his head "I'm not. But you are trying to change the subject"

The tone in his voice made your blood boil. You did under no circumstances want to give him that satisfaction. But above all you did not want to give him hope that somehow you cared about him, about hurting him. You did not want him to know that even if it was true. He had hurt you without giving a single care all that time ago and kept rubbing it in your face, maybe not intentionally most of the time, but still hurting you every single day ever since that one time all those years ago. While he had found out about you and Castiel just a few days ago and was supposedly hurting. Supposedly. That was what you tried to convince yourself of because there was a great part of you that even felt guilty.

"Fine. You want to hear it so badly again?" you snapped "Yes. Yes I said I love him because I do! I fucking love him! Are you happy?"

You could literally see his heart along with face drop, as his mouth hang agape slightly. HE swallowed thickly and you tried to ignore the fact that his eyes seemed to be glistening with tears.

"...More than you loved me?" he whispered in a barely audible voice but you still heard him.

You felt your throat close and you could hardly breath or swallow properly. Your heart thudded inside your chest and you knew just what both your brain and heart were screaming at you to say. You knew the truth very well but- you were not going to admit it. You were never going to admit it again to anybody much less him.

"Who said I ever did?" you said as cynically as possible and his eyes widened in shock and pain. He slowly nodded his head, trying but not wanting to believe your words. He lowered it and looked down at his feet, his fists clenched by his sides. Just like yours.

"Sorry to break it to you but-" you forced yourself to laugh "-I don't think it matters that much huh? Not that you ever did after all" you shrugged, although you actually dreaded to hear him answer to that indirect question.

"You know the answer to that" he looked slowly up at you, his eyes filled with pain.

"I told you I don't know anything anymore" you said void of any emotion.

"But you know that. Don't you ever doubt that. Even if you didn't-" he shook his head "-You know how I really felt about you"

"Oh do I really? Honestly I have no idea who you even are anymore Jensen, what makes you think that I would have so much faith in what you said back then?" you snapped "I told you before but you obviously have a hard time getting it through your thick skull, but I am gonna say it again. The Jensen I knew- that Jensen that told me he loved me no longer exists. He's dead to me and so is everything he ever said to me. You are not him, so don't expect me to act like it"

"I hurt you" he whispered almost to himself. You could swear for a moment that his voice cracked but just like every other time you willed yourself to be cold towards him. You had decided long ago to put walls up and you were not going to let the only person that ever could just break them so easily. You were not going to let him break you so easily again. Never again.

"Oh do tell!" you exclaimed, faking surprise with raised eyebrows, full with sarcasm but you knew it was only a defence. As always "You think so? Good thing you finally freaking realized it" you ended up growling the words at him.

"Won't you at least let me explain myself? Are you just going to walk away?" he looked at you with a deep and heartbroken look on his face.

"Exactly" you hissed and sharply turned around to walk away from him, your pace as quick as possible close to light running.

"No. (Y/n). (Y/n)!" you heard his voice call out for you but you paid no attention to him, only walked as fast as possible away from him. Though he followed. And kept calling your name and you to stop. And following. And calling. And following. And calling. And following. And calling. Until-

You stopped abruptly and turned to look at him with a sharp glare. You were far away from Castiel's place but certainly far away from your place as well.

"What?!" you roared at him "What do you want now?!"

"To talk. I want to talk" he tried to be firm.

"Well too bad cause I don't. Leave me alone, Jensen. Leave me fucking alone finally! What have I ever done to you? What did I ever do to you so that you keep hurting me!? Aren't you done? Aren't you finally done hurting me!? Cause I'm done Jensen! I'm done pretending everything is fine and as if I am over it because truth is I am not! And it is you that won't let me! Why the hell won't you finally end this game?!" tears had started running down your cheeks but you did not care, just like you did not care about your throat hurting from the screaming.

"You've ended me. You've ended all I ever was..." your voice was low and hoarse and he stared at you with wide eyes, void of any emotion but pain "I don't know what I ever did for you to... do this to me" you sniffled, brushing your tearsaggressively "But please... just please, for once stop this. Stop hurting me. I am finally happy just a little bit, why must you take this away from me again? I was able to put everything away and you- you keep on reminding me everything... why?" your voice cracked in the end.

"I..." he could only utter as he stared at you. Your eyes red and puffy, your cheeks flushed as well and filled with tears.

"I never meant for this to happen" he whispered, his head bowing in shame.

"But it did" your voice broke again.

He shook his head almost at his own thoughts and looked back up at you "I guess there is no point in saying anything anymore. Maybe it won't change anything anyway. Alright then-" he took in a shaky breath and smiled weakly "-as hard as it may be for you to believe I want you to be happy and if it is with Castiel then- so be it. I won't bother you ever again, nor will I try to get to talk to you again. I will just say this one last thing and I hope you believe me even if it one last time... I'm sorry, for everything. I never wanted it to happen, even if you can't understand what I mean."

"...What...?" you breathed out, suspicions crawling up your chest as his words swam inside your head.

"It doesn't matter anymore I guess. It won't change the pain I brought to you. I only want you to know that I never really wanted this... and that I am sorry" he smiled weakly, although a tear rolled down his cheek.

You felt your throat close and as if you could not breath you only stared at him turn around and walk away from you. His head bowed in shame and pain. He was drained of any emotion and energy, just as you felt. You instincts screamed at you to shout after him, to question him and listen to him- what he so desperately wanted to tell you but despite everything, despite your true feelings, you turned around as well and walked away from him without a second look despite your blurry because of tears vision.

~One Week Later~

You sighed playing with your lunch and not paying any attention to the people around you that chatted happily. You especially tried to ignore Richard's comments at you with a bored look. Truth it was more of a sad one actually, and Jared was the only one to notice. Just like more Saturday night he'd come over by your place and have dinner with you and your family and then of course sleepover would follow. Richard had started teasing you in the beginning about something happening at nights but when Jared go with Genevieve Richard finally stopped.

"(Y/n)? Honey are you not hungry?" your mother's voice caught your attention and you looked at her.

"Huh? Oh no. Not very much, I think I'll go to my room" you smiled pushing your plate away.

"But honey, you've barely been eating this week. Are you sure everything is alright?" she frowned at you.

"No mom, I just- I just eat out sometimes that's all" you tried to reassure her.

"Yes which by the way reminds me, you've barely been home these days, and I don't mean just during daytime" your father said a little sternly.

You felt a blush rise up on your cheeks and you tried to hide your stunned and guilty expression for a second by looking down. It was true that this week when you were not at school and sometimes studying with Jared and Misha you'd be atCastiel's place. You've been in need of his comfort more than ever lately and you just needed more than anything to be in his arms and forget everything that was going on. You wanted to brush your thoughts away. You wanted to forget everything, you needed to and the only way to that was to be with Castiel. He had an amazing ability to make you forget all your worries in just a matter of seconds even when he talked about them.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" he had asked you, his hold on your waist tightening as you rested yourhead on his shoulder "Maybe it will make you feel better?"

You shook your head "No Cas, I don't want to. I am with you now, I don't want anything else to matter. I don't want to be thinking about anything or anyone else. I want to give even the little time we have to you Cas" you had whispered.

He sighed kissing your forehead "I know that maybe it is something that bothers you and you think might bother me as well-" you've had a hard time trying not to show any sign of emotion to that "-but I want you to know that no matter what, there is not a single thing that will make me want to change my mind about what we have"

"...You cannot be so sure" you had whispered.

"I can. Because I am sure of my feelings fo you. I love you (Y/n) and as long as I know you love me too-" you had cut him off at that.

"I do" you had never said it more sincerely, because you truly felt it "I really really do" you had tears welling up in your eyes.

He had smiled softly "I know" his thhumb rubbed over your cheek "But I want you to know this, I will always be by your side. Until the moment you don't want me to"

"I always will" you had hugged him tightly "I've never been able to feel this much at peace with somebody else Castiel,you- you offer me so much and I don't know how I'd ever be able to repay you for this. The only thing I can think of is loving you and never letting you go. I actually... don't want to" and you had pressed your lips to his in a kiss that didn't take much to get heated.

You didn't have time to reply to your father as Jared spoke in your defence "It's been homework. We've had too much studying to do these days sir, that's all. And I have to say you could also blame me and my poor Maths that she didn't sleep many times at your place" he smiled politely and your father nodded his head at him.

"Very well, but you know you could even do some studying home. There is no need for you to leave all the time"

"We're sorry" Jared had mumbled apologetically and they all went back to eat, except you and Jared that kept exchanging looks.

~*~

"You didn't have to cover up for me" you sighed softly as you sat on your bed, Jared doing the same on the bed set up next to yours.

"Nonsense. What are friends for?" he smiled with a shrug but you still had a frown on your face. It seemed to be the only thing you did this week.

Not that you could help the thoughts about Jensen and what he'd said all that time ago, or at least what he meant to say. You had a feeling it was something you didn't know, something that was going to change things radically but at the same time you did not bring yourself to ask him. You did not know what it was, how could you? And even if your senses were screaming at you to find a way to find out what that was but- at the same time you didn't. You'd often watch Jensen at school. Most of the time if not always he was on his own. Not because everybody had left him, no, you had seen many of the school jocks go to him and ask him to seat with them but he refused. He always refused, no matter who it was. He knew just like you did that it was not going to change his image. He was, is and would always be the school's most popular and liked kid. But you'd see him always be on his own even at class and when his eyes locked with yours it was not you that would glare at him and then look away. It was him that would look at you with a broken face and a weak smile and then turn his head around or even leave.

You certainly were not used to this. Jensen was never like this. Never. You had never seen him so sad, broken and full of regret. His romance with Joanna was long ago over and when they would by chance see each other at the hallway she would glare at him but he would only ignore her. You had heard her once talk with her friends saying 'After all these years he finally decided to go back to her' she had scoffed and continued 'But I won't bother anymore. I got bored of him anyway, I guess it was a waste of time stealing him from that worthless bitch all that time ago'

You could not help the frown at her words and even if you wanted to brush it off you could not do it. It was a thought that kept running through your mind, and that made you want to talk with Jensen even more. But of course your mind would keep screaming at you to back away from him, to not talk to him. Even if you wanted to know more about it, not being able to help the feeling inside your chest, you in the end backed away.

But of course Jared had noticed. He had noticed how you became a little introverted, not speaking and only thinking. All the meanwhile your eyes glued to Jensen. And of course he understood everything because.... he knew everything.

Everything. Even things you didn't.

"Certainly not to get in trouble because of one another" you mumbled fidgeting with your hands.

He sighed "You know I certainly would for you but- we both know that's not the case here. It's not about the fact that you've been gone during some nights. And it's not my job to question you at that. We are friends and you will tell me when and if you want it to" he smiled softly and you bit your lower lip.

"But-"he came by your side and took hold of your hand "As I said- we are friends (Y/n). And as a friend I need to care about you, about your happiness just like you care about mine"

You looked up at him with a frown, not really liking where this was going "What do you mean?"you whispered.

"You haven't been happy (Y/n). I can clearly see it and don't you deny it. You've been all about thinking these days and worrying and... unable to stop looking at him" he ended with a sigh and your eyes widened for a second. You opened your mouth to speak but he didn't let you "Don't deny it please. I've noticed the way you look at him and especially the way you've been looking at ech other this week. The way he looks at you is..."he sighed.

He shook his head "He's regreted everything (Y/n), and I don't mean just not hanging out with us as much as he used to" he said more firmly.

"...How do you know that?" you breathed out "How do you know there is something he should regret other than that?" you felt panic rise up inside you.

"Because... I know that he didn't mean it in the first place. It was not something he wanted (Y/n) and-" he swallowed looking you fully in the eyes

"-It is high time you finally learnt the truth. The only truth to it"