Spice - Jensen Ackles x Reader (High School AU)

Part 9

  He shook his head "He's regreted everything (Y/n), and I don't mean just not hanging out with us as much as he used to" he said more firmly.

"...How do you know that?" you breathed out "How do you know there is something he should regret other than that?" you felt panic rise up inside you.

"Because... I know that he didn't mean it in the first place. It was not something he wanted (Y/n) and-" he swallowed looking you fully in the eyes

"-It is high time you finally learnt the truth. The only truth to it"

"Jared" your voice was barely above a whisper "What are you talking about? No, most importantly... what do you know?"

You dreaded to hear the answer. He smiled sympathetically "Much more than you think (Y/n). I've actually known since the beginning... of your and Jensen's relationship."

Your eyes widened "...How?"

He let a soft chuckle "You weren't all that good at hiding. I caught you one time during a movie-night, in the kitchen" you felt a blush rise up on your cheeks.

"Oh..." you mumbled, looking down at your hands.

"Yeah, well I did have small doubts back then but- Jensen was never good at hiding things from me so I finally got him to spill everything out" he shrugged and biting your lip you dared look up at him.

"But you never said anything"

"It wasn't my job to. Besides it was not much later that...." he trailed off looking down at his hands and you instantly clenched your jaw.

"Yeah" you said coldly "It was not much later that he cheated on me, you can say it" you faked a smile.

He sighed, shaking his head "I... don't think I can really call it that way"

You frowned at him deeply "...What do you mean? Jared what are you talking about? I saw him myself!"

"I- I know (Y/n). I clearly remember you running away in tears-"

"You were there?" you breathed out in disbelief and he smiled weakly.

"Yes. I saw everything... just like he did. He did notice you (Y/n), he did know you would be there, that you were going to walk in on him. It was planned, why do you think he wasn't even surprised when days later you stopped talking altogether?"

"He... had planned it? HE HAD PLANNED IT?!" you felt tears well up in your eyes, it was getting even harder to breathe. You thought the Jensen you knew and loved had betrayed you in the worst way, that he had no heart and did not care about you or loved you the way you thought he did but- this? Finding out about this? This was ten times worse than you had ever thought. You could not understand how he could be so heartless, how he could have ever done this to you, hurt you in this way at having it planned.

"What?" Jared breathed out with wide eyes, seeing your face get red at both anger and... hurt.

"No. No, no (Y/n) please no- I didn't mean that!" Jared tried to calm you down before your parents got worried and came and saw you this way.

"Then what?!" you all-but-screamed, the tears had started to roll down your cheeks before you had even realized it. The pain inside your chest was too much to feel about anything else and the realization was too much to think about anything else.

"No, (Y/n), no please calm down. It's not what you think it is" he spoke in a soothing voice, his hands on your shoulders "It was planned for you to walk in on them but... not by Jensen." he breathed out and your mouth fell open.

"J-Jared what are you even talking about?" you breathed out in a trembling breath, shaking your head that had started to feel hazy.

"Please sit down and take a deep breath, I don't want something happ-"

"Jared!" you did not keep yourself from screaming "...The truth... please" you begged, your lower lip trembling.

He sighed, looking down for a second. You clenched your jaw, but a small whimper left your lips "...please"

"He didn't want this (Y/n). He never wanted this to happen. He- He loved you, hell maybe he still does but I can't really tell you for sure, we- we haven't talked much after- after I tried to get him to tell you the truth"

"Wh-what?" your voice cracked as you fell limp on your bed.

"It was not real, (Y/n). What you saw tha day was not real, at least the way you'd think. Joanna-" he let a small growl at her name "-She threatened him that if he didn't leave you then she was going to... end you, I think she had something she could hold against you I- I don't know. She wasn't really specific. I only heard a few things after you had run away. I was about to get in and fight with him for doing this to you but before I could he had already pushed her away wiping his lips with disgust and cursing at her"

"He... what?" you were starting to feel numb.

Jared smiled sympathetically "They did start dating later but nothing was happening for real. She just wanted popularity and as far as I know, things started happening between them when Jensen completely pushed all of us away. It was during the time I was trying to get him to tell you the truth but even if he did not say why he kept insisting that he was doing the best for you"

"No... no, no no" you shook your head, void of any emotion "No he- he didn't he- He cheated on me Jared. He can't have-" you swallowed "-This can't be true. All these years I've been thinking that- that he cheated on me, that he just stopped caring. He can't... still feel things for me. Not now..."

"I can't really say if he does feel things about you now, maybe you know something I don't but- I know that til very recently he still did love you (Y/n). He never- he never wanted this to happen. Joanna was just using him to get more popular. It wasn't just a coincidence that a little later after she and Jensen started supposedly dating she became head cheerleader" he sighed, his hand on top of yours rubbing your palm softly.

"But if he could have done something to change it, to break up with her then she would have."

"And why-" your voice was hoarse "-why would she care about me? Why would she even bother with someone like me? I never even talked to her"

"No you didn't. You were a wallflower and that was not what got her bothered. It was that you the wallflower, the simple girl, the nerd, had the most popular guy in the school as a boyfriend and if you ask me where she found out well- it's not very hard with how much Jensen failed to keep his hands off when you two were out. And I am saying this because I had spotted you one as well" a small smirk played on his lips but it immediately flattered.

"He... never said anything"

"Of course he didn't. Joanna wouldn't let him go like that so easily. And what obviously scared him was what she could do to you"

"And what changed now?" you asked in a low hoarse voice.

He shrugged "I don't really know, maybe she got tired of him anyway"

You let out a shaky sigh, sniffling and brushing your tears away. You knew the truth now, the real reason behind all of it but was it really what you wanted to hear? No better yet was it really what you need to hear? What you should hear? You were with Castiel, that was very much real, so what now? You wanted to know the truth for so long, ever since th beginning. You wanted to know his reasons, why he had done something like this. Why the man you thought you could trust with your own life had betrayed you that way when in the end, you now realized, he had not betrayed you. All this time you thought he had left you, he did not want you anymore, he never felt anything for you. That somehow it was a game to him but n reality... he did love you for real?

Better yet. He did love you till now?

~*~

You chewed on your lip to the point you thought it would bleed. You had been staring at him almost the entire lesson and even during lunch-break but still had not found the courage to speak to him. How could you? And even if you did in the end, what were you going to tell him?

You felt your heart hammer in your chest and a weird feeling there as well. Although for a second you thought it didn't have to do with you finding out the truth behind everything. You wished even Cas was here today but you had not seen him at all. You would have expected him to call you or sent a message that everything was going to be alright but he didn't. You wanted his comforting hug to be there so that he could sooth you down, make you feel better. He was your rock, the shoulder you leaned on when things got too hard. But he was not here today and... at some point you thought it was better. You would not be able to stand looking him in the eyes when thinking about Jensen. The feeling inside your chest would get more and more evident. And that weird feeling at the pit of your stomach was getting worse and worse as you thought about Castiel.

You tried to think it was guilt. Guilt because you were actually contemplating on talking to Jensen about finding out the truth and maybe- no certainly wanting to know his part of the story. Maybe, deep down, wanting to hear him say it himself. Say that he didn't want it either, that he loved you back then and... still did.

But then again maybe it was something different. Something that made your skin crawl in the most unpleasant way.

But all thoughts were whipped away as Jensen turned his head and his eyes locked with yours. You could see worryamongst many other feelings there but you decided to shale your head at him, offering a small smile in return that... only made him frown deeply.

But you knew that at so many times him having caught you staring, there was no way he was going to let it pass by. So even if you did not have the courage to speak to him- well, here he was. Making his way towards you, the second the bellhad rang. In their haste nobody noticed him approaching you and even if they did, they were really good at showing they didn't care at all. Maybe they didn't after all.

"Hey" his voice was much more rough and hoarse than you remembered it which actually made your chest tighten at wondering how much of a toll this had taken on him.

"Hey" you breathed out, hugging your books to your chest.

"I know-" he swallowed looking down for a second "I know I said I was never going to bother you again and I can leave immediately if you want me to-" he paused for a second, waiting for a reaction from you that didn't come – and that actually perplexed him a little – but he continued anyway "I just- I just wanted to know- I've seen you and got worried and wanted to know if you are alright?"

You didn't say anything for a little while, only sighed softly just like he did.

"I mean-" he spoke again when you didn't say anything "-you obviously have no reason to speak to me but- I just want you to know that I am not teasing or anything. I'm not playing some kind of game I am just... really concrned" he muttered.

You bit the inside of your cheek for a second before speaking "... I am fine" you said, offering a small smile that – sadly – made him frown more "I am really fine. For the first time in a long while I think- I think I can say it for real. I am fine"

"And... can I ask you why or...?" he seemed so hesitant, so unsure of speaking to you which reminded you so much of the Jensen you knew when he first moved in to town and wanted to become friends with you in kindergarten.

You shrugged "I guess, as much as I shouldn't want to admit it, knowing the truth was much more reliving than I thought it would be, even at this moment of my life"

"Truth about...?" he tilted his head and you gave him a half smile.

You took in a deep breath "About what you have been hiding from me for all this time. The reason behind everything, all that happened." you said honestly and realization owned on him hard as his eyes widened and his mouth fell open.

He blinked several times, opening and closing his mouth like a fish out of water until he finally managed to stutter out "... How?"

"Does it really matter? It was Jared. But truth is... it should have been you Jensen. You should have told me everything, hell from the first moment. And not let all of this happen!"

His shoulder fell in defeat "Do you really think I could? Who knows what she would have done to you?" he clenched his jaw.

You sighed, running a hand through your hair "Even as that Jensen you- you let so many years pass, even now that she couldn't treat you like a puppet, that she couldn't control you- you should have said something! Anything damn it! For all these years I believed- I believed that you were toying with me, that I never mattered and was never going to matter anymore!" you could somewhat raise your voice seeing as nobody was here at the moment and all students were in their classes, while you and Jensen did not care about that at this moment.

"I tried, damn it. I tried" he gritted his teeth more angry with himself, running hand through his hair "But did you even give me a chance? And- And I am not going to say it is your fault, I broke you. You made it very much obvious last week. Which is also why I gave up in the end (Y/n)" he sighed defeated.

"That or Castiel?" you murmured but he still heard as a pained smiled crossed his lips.

"Castiel, of course" he laughed in a pained way "At least he seems to be able to give you what you need and want. He can give you the love I took away all those years ago"

You sighed, looking down "I am not going to deny that- he does. He does make me fee loved Jensen, more than I probably deserve, and I really need to- to give him just that back. But- at the same time I needed to talk to you. I need to hear from you the truth as well"

"And then what?" he got defensive "What? Are you going to leave him? Are you going to run away from him and straight back to me when you say you love him so much?"

"Depends" you pursed your lips.

"On what?" he snapped.

"On you fucking telling me if you really want me to run back to you damn it!" you could not help but burst, though immediately regretted what left your lips.

His own eyes widened and you immediately wanted to take back everything. You shouldn't have said that, under no circumstances. It was what was running through your mind at that moment, yes, but Jensen just should not know it. He should not hear it. You've been trying not only now but for all this time to hide your feelings from him, your true feelings-Feelings you never got over just like you never got over him. But that just did not mean you could tell him. Hell you couldn't even admit it to yourself out loud much less tell him. You were with Castiel, teacher or not, and he loved you. You knew you loved him just as much, that was something you knew from the very beginning and that was never going to change.... But at the same time here you were, having feelings for another man as well. The man you had given everything to all those years ago and that, you knew deep down, would be willing to give everything again and again. The pain, even if in the slightest there, seemed to be forgotten as the truth was known. You knew, deep down, that you still loved him just like that first day.

Talking about complicated.

He took a few steps closer and you backed slightly away "...Do you want me to say it?" his voice was low and you immediately averted your eyes from his. You knew that if you kept looking at them you were going to break.

"I... only want to know the truth Jensen. Finally the entire truth" you tried to steady your voice as much as possible.

"The truth is... The truth is that I never wanted any of this to happen. I loved you. I still do and always will, and you know that. I never played with you like with other girls. They were just..." he sighed "Call it a way to forget that I couldn't have you anymore. It all was Joanna's plan from the beginning anyway." he laughed in a pained way "I tried to protect you and I ended up hurting you worse. But I had no other choice, believe me" he looked pleadingly into your eyes "I wanted to tell you everything but I couldn't. Seems that now she doesn't care though because she got tired as well. She got what she wanted anyway" he ran a hand through his hair.

"I would have never done something like this to you. Never to you. But even if I wanted to come back you- I know you'd never want me to. And now that you have Castiel... Call me selfish but I don't care anymore." he took a step closer to you and this time you didn't back away "Eiter you want or not to hear this I am going to say it because I've been holding it for very long"

He took another step and another and another till his face was only inches away from yours "I do want you back. I want you back more than I've wanted anything else. And I know that you are with somebody else. But even if you feel even the least bit about me then- I will fight for you and for us. Because I do want you back, always did and always will."

"So tell me..." he said in a much softer voice "...do you want me back?"

"J-Jensen" your voice trembled as you felt a lump in your throat "There is Cas" you whispered, averting your eyes to the ground.

"Forget about Cas. Forget about your feelings for him and forget that he even exists. Just think there is only us." he brought one hand up to cup your face, slowly tilting it up so that you could look straight into his eyes and of course you didn't resist. You couldn't resist anymore

All these years of piled up emotions were too much anymore.

"Do you want me back?" he whispered.

He knew just like you did what your answer was going to be. Your eyes gave it away and as much as you wanted to hide it he could see. Your mouth opened but no words came out. Castiel was still in your mind and you just knew you did not want to hurt him. You did love him but at the same time... you still did love Jensen. And that was never going to change.

No words left your lips but it obviously wasn't needed as in a split second Jensen's crashed to yours. You almost jumped for a second, freezing then and there, the books fell from your hands as you felt lost but instantly melted. Your mind wasblank and as if on their own made their way around his neck as you tried to bring him closer. As closer as possible.

And you kissed him back.