Spice - Jensen Ackles x Reader (High School AU)

Part 10

  "Do you want me back?" he whispered.

He knew just like you did what your answer was going to be. Your eyes gave it away and as much as you wanted to hide it he could see. Your mouth opened but no words came out. Castiel was still in your mind and you just knew you did not want to hurt him. You did love him but at the same time... you still did love Jensen. And that was never going to change.

No words left your lips but it obviously wasn't needed as in a split second Jensen's crashed to yours. You almost jumped for a second, freezing then and there, the books fell from your hands as you felt lost but instantly melted. Your mind was blank and as if on their own made their way around his neck as you tried to bring him closer. As closer as possible.

And you kissed him back.

Your body had a mind of its own. Maybe it still remembered all those moments with him and it just seemed to take action again just once he was pressed to you. You clearly remember that it was like this every single time. Jensen managed to take not only your breath away but all of your thoughts as well. He'd always take up your mind and be the only thing you could think of even when you were not with him.

Your mind was blank and the only thing you could think of other than your wildly beating heart was the fact that you were kissing him and he was kissing you. But above all the words he said, you could not help but want to think about those as well. It even made you realize how all this time what you believed was not real. Not in the way you knew it. He never meant to betray you, to hurt you and break your heart. He only wanted to protect you, from whatever that was, and actually make sure you were happy. Even if he wasn't.

Yes, that did sound a lot more like the Jensen you knew and loved... you still do. He was and still is the Jensen you loved and still do. He never betrayed you, he never changed to someone you didn't know. The Jensen you knew and loved was always there, willing to let you hate him as long as he could protect you. He had not changed.

But many more things had changed. You and the fact that you were not alone- that he was not the only one in your heart.

You wanted to kiss him more, to feel more of him to have more of him but despite everything and despite your body wanted to hold him there forever – pretty much like his – you did push him away. You were both panting, faces almost red but completely different looks on your faces. His was one of pure happiness, a bright smile on his lips. A smile that soon flattered as he took in the completely opposite kind of look on your face. Your eyes were glistening with tears.

"What?" he whispered in a hoarse voice, his eyebrows knitting together in a deep frown.

"I- I shouldn't do this. I shouldn't be doing this" you shook your head, the tears in your eyes threatening to fall. You pushed him away even if he resisted.

"What?" his voice cracked "What are you talking about? I thought- I thought you wanted this" you could see your own pain being mirrored in Jensen's eyes.

You pursed your lips, closing your eyes shut for a second as you pushed him completely away. You hid your face in your hands as you turned your back to him.

"You... don't?" you heard him ask and you let out a shaky breath at how pained he sounded.

"I shouldn't. I shouldn't want it. Yes! Yes damn it I do but I shouldn't!... That's what you don't get" your lower lip trembled as you turned sharply to face him.

Just as he opened his mouth to question you, you spoke up "Castiel-" a lump formed on your throat and you didn't know if it was because you felt guilty for betraying him or if you wanted to vomit because of what you had done "-Castiel has done so much for me and I am here doing what? Kissing somebody else?"

"I would like to think I am not just somebody else" he said stoicly, clenching his jaw.

"And you're not" you mumbled, looking down at your feet "You're not. Which is why this happened. Which is why I wanted this but... I shouldn't Jensen. I shouldn't be doing this to Cas, it's not fair"

He let out a sigh, running a hand down his face "But you know that sooner or later you will have to make this decision"

A lump formed on your throat "I know it, Jensen. Damn I know it, but how can you expect me to make it so easily? How can you expect me to just go ahead and choose one of you? I love you, yes- YES! I don't deny it, I can't deny it anymore. And you know it but..." you took in a shaky breath, brushing furiously one tear away "I can't do this to him. He stood by my side through everything, he was there when the nightmares got the best of me and he was there to always show me he would care about me, that he would love me. He always did Jensen and if I now am able to talk to you it's because of him. He helped me stand on my feet without even asking a second time what my nightmare was about or who was responsible that I- that I had lost all of my self-esteem, that I thought I never deserved something good, that I had reached the point of hating myself"

"He was there for me" you added in a low and a hoarse whisper.

"While I was not" Jensen added in a bitter tone and you looked up at him, hurting ten times more at seeing the guilt-riden look on his face.

You instantly felt even more guilty at realizing what you had said because even if you would not want to say it in front of him to not sadden him further- he was responsible for all of it. You opened your mouth to speak but he beat you at it.

"It's ok, it's fine really. You're right after all. I broke you, even if it was to protect you. I never told you the truth and instead made you suffer. He-" he swallowed thickly "-He was there for you, ready to help you. I guess I have no right to even ask you to come back to me when-" he stopped himself suddenly and you looked down in shame.

"When I love him as well" you whispered, completing his sentence.

He sigh, running a hand through his hair "I will wait" he looked up into your eyes "I will wait for you, no matter how long it takes and no matter what your decision is I- I will respect it"

"Jens" you whispered. You wanted to say more, you needed to say more but you didn't. Of course you didn't. As if there was anything more you could say. No, there was nothing left anymore.

You shook your head, more tears rolling but you didn't care anymore. Instead you strode to him and wrapped your arms around him tightly, burying your face in his chest as he didn't miss a beat to hug you even more tightly.

"Been a while since I last heard that nickname" he tried to lighten the mood with a small chuckle and you tried to laugh too but it was cut off by a sob.

What had you gotten yourself into?

~*~

You've been contemplating it the entire day. Your books and homework were long ago forgotten and you tried to ignore everything and everyone. You really had no mind for anything but Cas and Jensen. You had really lost count of how many times their names had been repeated in your head and honestly that was the least of your problems.

There was one, big and important problem at the moment... and that was not the fact that you could not choose between Jensen and Cas because you could not point your finger on who you loved more. No that was a problem you tried to think about but couldn't because a much bigger one had your mind occupied.

And it was the fact that you could not find Castiel.

You had tried calling him, texted him numerous times but nothing. You wanted to hear his voice even a little bit. Your thoughts had been running wild, and other than the fact that you needed to clear your mind, you still needed to hear his voice. Maybe in some way it would help clear out the fog in your head. Who knew? Castiel after all always managed to soothe you down and at this moment you needed it more than anything.

You had a decision to make and not an easy one at that. Jensen, well Jensen had always been your everything. Ever since you were a little kid you had known and loved him, first as a friend and then as much more. You trusted him with your life, he was there for you and stood by you. Protected you even when you did not know it. But so did Cas. He stood by you and protected you without hurting you. He always cared for you and loved you. Sure he was your teacher, but aside from the fact that you were over 18, he always respected you the way he should. A true gentleman when needed even if it was hard to imagine.

But it was not what each of them was but how you felt for each of them. Who you loved most. Because no matter how perfect they were and how they made you feel you needed to know whom you really loved most. For whom your heartskipped a beat even without you realizing it and whom in th end you truly loved.

You sighed as you took another step closer to Castiel's house. You needed to see him, needed to verify it. To verify what you felt . Or at least what you thought you felt. Because if it was true, if it was the way you thought it was then... your decision was made long ago.

You weighted on everything, thought about it day and night- did not even go to school. Something that of course elicited a good few texts and calles from Jensen.

You bit your lip to keep the smile at remembering how worried he sounded over the numerous messages. But there was that tone in his voice that just reminded you so much of the Jensen you knew and loved that... it made your heart skip a beat.

You chewed on your lip as you rang the doorbell once again but still nothing. You frowned as you tried to catch a glimpse of somebody inside the house. Nothing.

You shook your head in worry, the bad feeling at the pit of your stomach not helping at all. You tried to steady your wild heartbeat and breathing but were nt having such luck. Trying with your slightly shaking hands to fetch the keys Castielhad given you in case of an emergency you unlocked the door and hurried inside.

"Cas!" you shouted, waiting for a response "Castiel!" your worry was getting the best of you and you were really starting to panic.

"Cas are you here?" your breathing was becoming erratic and you were to the point of being scared anymore.

You walked all around the house, almost like running around in search of him or any sign that he was here soon. But none. You run up the stairs shouting his name, not that there was any hope that he was here anymore, but what you came to face with there was certainly something you would have never expected. Your mouth fell agape as you walked inside his bedroom and you really felt your heart stop as-

~*~

"(Y/n), once you hear this call me ok? Or at least pick up the damn phone I'm getting worried sick here!" Jensen all but growled the words in his phone.

He had been trying to contact you for the past few hours but neither were you picking your phone up nor where you replying to his texts. He drove by your house but when he asked your mother he did not find you there and his worries did not fade in the least bit. On the contrary he now could not sit for a second. He'd been pacing and pacing in circles for-he had really no idea how long. He thought he would go crazy at some point with all those thoughts running through his mind.

He had not seen you for days but even when you did not come at school you'd answer his calls and reassure him you were alright- he didn't call to often either in fear of pressuring you but now that you didn't answer it at all- oh he certainly was going to go crazy he knew it. If you didn't answer he was going to-

"Jens" your soft voice made his head snap to your direction.

"(Y/n)?" he breathed out in disbelief his eyes going wide but a sigh of relief instantly left his lips "Oh thank..." he sighed, shaking his head as he strode to you and instantly wrapped his arms around you in a bone-crashing hug.

You let out a shaky breath and he instantly pulled away and looked at you with a deep frown "Wait- what's wrong?"

You tried to smile at him to reassure him "No it's- it's nothing. What are you doing here?"

"I got worried, what do you think. You weren't picking up your phone and I had to make sure you were alright. Now don't try change the damn subject on me and tell my what the hell is wrong?!" he said in a stern voice, almost angry, but you could see how it was only because he had gotten worried. And seeing your red eyes, despite how well you kept back your tears, certainly got him even more worried.

"Nothing's-" you started but he cut you off.

"No don't give me that crap about how you're fine. I know you ok? I don't know if you've probably forgotten but it's me you're talking to ok?... Now tell me" he ended up saying in a much softer voice "Please" his voice cracked as a tear rolled down your cheek. You've been crying for the past hour and it just seemed to happen mechanically.

He gave your shoulder a squeeze and without hesitating you handed him... the letter.

"Read it" your voice was low and hoarse.

Not taking his eyes off you, the frown always there, he took the letter with a sigh. He still had his one arm wrapped around you and you soon hugged his side, burying your face in his shoulder. A sob here and there left your lips.

It didn't take long for him to read it and of course it didn't take any longer for him to understand everything. A gasp left his lips.

"He... knew?" he breathed out in disbelief and you choked on a guilty sob.

You nodded your head weakly "He saw us"

"I thought- I thought he was not at school at that point"

"He wasn't obviously but... came later and saw us. Oh God" you breathed out burying your face in your hands "I hurt him Jensen, I hurt him so bad. How could I even- oh gosh"

"No, no hey- hey, look at me. Look at me" he grabbed your face with his hands and made you look him in the eyes "It's not your fault ok? It's not your fault. He said it himself, in the letter. He wrote it. He knew this moment would come, that you would have to choose between us because you still have feelings for me. He's not hurt, you didn't hurt him (Y/n). You just did what you felt like" he tried to convince you but sobs still shook your body.

"I- I-" you stuttered "I didn't want him to find out... this way" a small frown set on Jensen's face at your words.

"I know-" you continued "-I know I was going to have to make a decision sooner or later, and that either way I would tell him the truth but I wanted to be the on to do so. I didn't want him to just see us- I didn't want him to find out this way. I needed to explain to him that I never meant to hurt him. That despite everything I did... love him."

"He knows it baby" he whispered brushing a tear with his thumb "He knows. He heard you, he says it in the letter but he's doing this for you. He thinks it's better this way. He left because he wants to protect you."

"You know how that is huh?" you choked a laugh and he smiled faintly.

You sighed, shaking your head and brushing your tears "I just didn't want to hurt him Jens. I wanted to be the one tell him everything. I didn't want him to find out this way that I..." you trailed off, averting your eyes to the ground.

"That you?" he asked frowning.

You it your lip looking up at him but not uttering a word. He looked deeply in your eyes, as if searching for a sign until of course realization downed on him an his eyes widened. His mouth fell agape as he blinked several times.

"You..."

You let a small sigh, smiling weakly at him "I just wanted to make sure. I went to him to see him and talk. I knew I felt this way but I just had to be 100% sure. I also wanted to be able to explain everything to him. That it was not his fault, that it was just me and the fact that... I still love you so much. That despite everything I never got over you" you ended up mumbling, your eyes casted to the ground.

"He knows" Jensen whispered, putting two fingers under your chin and tilted your head up so that you could look "Trust me he knows" he cupped your face "He saw it himself. He saw it coming" he motioned to the letter still in his hand "He only wants you to be happy"

You sigh "I really wish he is happy as well. Even if I wasn't able to offer him that"

"He will be. Important is... will you?"

A shy smile formed on your lips "Depends..."

A smirk was on his lips "On?"

"You saying how you really feel about me" you whispered.

"You really want to hear it again huh?" he grinned, bringing his face closer to yours. You gave him a small nod and he cupped your face with his both hands.

"I love you (Y/n), now and forever" and he kissed you.