A Toxic Love

Chapter 17-Cried myself a river

instead of walking to school the following Monday morning, my parents drove me to school, as they didn't know if they could trust any of my friends considering what had happened. i tried my best to keep my tears in. once i arrived at school i went to find my friends and explained to them what happened. they comforted me like i expected but i still felt alone.

"I'm going to call him and tell him, at least then he's prepared," i said. i dialed the phone but i physically couldn't speak to him when he answered. So i gave the phone to Elle. She explained to Jake what happened and then closed the phone. "what did he say?" i cried.

"Well he sounded like he just woke up and he was just like okay. i told him what you told me to tell him: that you guys didn't have sex in school and that your parents found out because you were on the phone to Imy," she said. I nodded in response. 

That day i told Sara and Louise and Nayab. they comforted me and tried to make me feel better, but i just couldn't forgive myself. I felt like the world would be better off without me.

Later that day, i found out that Jake had all of his saved nudes of me on Dropbox, this i had no knowledge of and got quite upset.

Later that night i texted Jake. and he responded with a question: Why did you tell your parents? i explained to him what happened. A harmless conversation soon became a battlefield of hateful comments and a zone where he was making me feel so shit about myself. i was crying for hours, my parents came into my room every so often to check on me, but i simply yelled at them to get out. i couldn't tell whether i was angry or upset. it soon became apparent that i was flooded with sadness, and it was too much for me to handle. Jake eventually said to me "I can't believe i thought you were worth something," it was at that moment he stopped replying and i threw my phone across the room and burst into even more tears. 

the next few days i wasn't in school and i wasn't in school. i only came in for my exams which i felt equally as shit throughout. this feeling of depression wasn't going away. i couldn't cope with it any longer.

The next day i did something i thought i would never do. My entire house was empty, so it was a perfect opportunity. I went into the kitchen and went to the knife rack. i picked up the knife with the smallest blade and quickly and deeply stabbed my arm and ran the blade through my skin. i screamed in pain and agony but i carried on. i began to do the same to the other arm and my torso. To this day, i don't know why i continuously harmed myself. i knew how sinful and bad it was, but i honestly felt like i deserved it, and even now, i still feel like i do deserve to feel pain.