Scomiche - Secret Diary of a Fangirl

18. The In-Between

It's been an awful week. I can't sleep because I can't stop worrying. Scott texted me a few times about stupid stuff, sent a few snaps and pics of dumb things, but I haven't answered. I don't know how to. I know, I know... I need to get my head out of my ɑss and toughen up and stop all of this damn crying, but it all just seems so hopeless. It's all falling apart faster than I can comprehend.

So when I step (zombie walk) into the airport far too early for anyone to be human, imagine my surprise when a very sleepy Scott wraps around me from behind and nuzzles into the back of my neck.

"Missed you. Come sit."

I don't even have the brainpower to respond and just let him lead me over to a seat and once settled he lays his head on my shoulder and closes his eyes.

"Boney shoulders." He grumbles with a pout and it makes me laugh just a bit.

"Yeah, well you have to get up in a second anyway to board so it's good you can't get comfy."

"Still comfy, just boney."

It's not until we're on the plane and we've both had enough coffee to keep our eyes open, that I remember that things are supposed to be weird. I watch Scott while he excitedly tells me about the new cover art he changed for the Deluxe version of his album and the new additions he added to it and the 'Target' version. I watch him closely, searching for signs that he knows my secret, but he just shoves his headphones on my head and makes me listen to one of the songs I hadn't heard since the last demo stage (honestly it's barely even the same song at this point)

I get a little lost in his voice just as I always do. I close my eyes and relax as I let it flow through me. When it's over I expect another song to start, but Scott has turned it off (much to my disappointment). When I open my eyes he's watching me, waiting for my thoughts and I can see he's nervous. It doesn't surprise me. He always gets nervous when people listen to his songs for the first time. I take off the headphones and hand them back to him.

"So... what did you think? I mean it's not going to win any grammys or anything but-"

I roll my eyes as soon as he starts bad mouthing it. "Shut your mouth... It's amazing. I love that you changed the tempo and your voice is incredible as always."

He blushes and shifts, a sudden shyness coming over him. That's when I can see the difference... the tiny hesitations between movements and looks. I don't know how to interpret them so I decide not to mention it. It's just better that way. Though, part of me wishes he would tell me so I could apologize or something... anything to keep it from eating away at me. 

We spend the rest of the flight catching up on the week (you'd think it was months) we'd spent apart, but of course I didn't really have much to tell. That's ok because he had lots to tell me. Scott's hyperness only got worse the longer he was stuck in a seat and I couldn't discern awkwardness from pent up energy.

I tried to sleep, but it was impossible when I had him next to me and there were so many things to over examine and pick apart. My mind was like a busy carnival at night. Too many noises and lights and smells and far too crowded to find anything without a thorough, focused search.

I don't know if I'm thinking too much or if I'm just stuck on the same things on a loop that I can't escape from. I mean, I know I'M tired of me complaining about the same things... I'm sure YOU'RE tired of my brain too.

Anyway... even though things seem like they're ok between us, I still know something is off and I don't know if it's the knowledge that this could possibly be our last trip together or if it's Scott trying to force things to be like they were before he found out the truth. I guess I still don't know if he knows my secret, but so far it seems like I MAY have overreacted. That's what I'm hoping for anyway.