Purpose | Josh Dun (ON HOLD)

Clouds

I was sad and I didn't know why.

Sometimes I get sad out of nowhere. But I had no reason to be sad. In fact, I shouldn't even be allowed to be sad.
I had everything. I had a family that cares about me, even if we fought all the time. My parents always made sure I had everything I needed. I had a roof over my head. I had food and clothes. I had an education. I even had two new friends. People all over the world had it way worse. There were people who are starved, people who are abused, people with diseases, people who don't even have a place to call home. I should be grateful for what I have.

Maybe I was just selfish. Maybe everyone was selfish. We lived in a selfish world. People only do things for their own gain. If you really thought about it, there's no such thing as selflessness. Even when we sacrifice ourselves for others, we're still selfish. Making other people happy makes us happy, and for that we are selfish. Maybe I'm seeing it the wrong way, maybe I'm not. Everyone is prone to their own opinions anyway.

"Arielle, get out of bed! It's one in the afternoon and I will not have my daughter wasting her days away!" I heard my mother shout from the bottom of the stairs.

I rolled my eyes. I had nothing to live for anyways. I had no purpose, nowhere to go. I was just one person out of seven billion. There was nothing special about me. If I were to disappear, the world wouldn't care. The world would still be spinning, the seasons will still change, life would go on.

I hated myself. No, I despised myself. I hated how I trusted people so easily, only to be let down. I hated how I always let others use me. I hated how I always mess everything up. I hated how I caused my family so much pain and darkness. I hated how my thighs rubbed together when I walked. I hated how I had stretch marks on the sides of my butt. I hated the freckles that dotted my cheeks. I hated how my green eyes once held the universe, now they don't hold anything. But most of all I hated who I had become. I couldn't even recognize myself anymore.

My thoughts were interrupted when the door of bedroom door opened. My eyes widened when I saw a mop of blue hair.

"Josh? What are you doing here?" His mouth stretched into a smile when he saw me and he walked over to my bed.
"Hey Elle, your parents let me in. I hope you don't mind, but I was bored and I needed someone to hang out with," he said while taking a seat beside me.
"Where's Tyler?" I asked, noticing the absence of the boy.
"He's out on a date with Jenna," he said with a wide smile. He placed his right hand over his chest and pretended to cry,"My Baby Boy is getting older! He's already going on his first date!"

"He's never been with anyone before?"
"Nope! That's why I'm helping him. He was too nervous to ask for her number so I had to go ask for him. It was a very awkward conversation," he said with a grin.

"So you have experience then?"
"With what?" He gave me a confused look.
"You have experience with dating?"
"Oh! Oh no... it's just that Tyler is like an innocent little puppy and he doesn't understand some things. But I-I've never never been with anyone either..." He paused and looked down on his lap before looking back up again. "I haven't even had my first kiss yet," he said with a light blush on his cheeks.

"That's okay, I haven't had my fist kiss either," I said with a small smile.
"Cool," he grinned. "Now, get up so we can hang out!" He said while jumping up and down on my bed like a little boy.

I frowned. I didn't have any motivation to do anything today. I just wanted stay in bed and drown out the world with music. But I also didn't want to bring Josh's mood down, I knew he needed to be happy. Josh suddenly stopped jumping and looked down at me with a frown. He sat down in a criss-cross applesauce position, directly in front of me.
"Hey, what's wrong? You look a little down," his brown eyes searched my face for an answer.
"I'm fine, Josh. Don't worry about me," I said with a weak smile.
He moved closer, cupping my cheek with his right hand.