Real or Not Real

Chapter 4

Katniss takes the seat opposite of Dr. Aurelias and stares at him blankly. "I'm glad you came back, after what happened last time. I thinks it's good you're trying to clear things out in your mind." He tells her.

She looks at him and points her finger towards him. "Let me make one thing clear, I don't want to know which world is real. I don't care."

Dr. Aurelias can't hide the surprise on his face when Katniss tells him this. Before he can speak, she cuts into his thoughts. "I don't care if it makes me sound insane, maybe I am. But I'd rather have both worlds than one. I've been living like this for months and I don't see the problem with continuing."

He stares at her shocked and some what confused as to why she would want to live in a hazy life. One filled with uncertain moves and a non-existence reality. "Excuse me?"

"If I have Prim in this world and not in the other, my life feels emptier. Not only her, but the others as well. If I live these two lives, I get to have everyone I love. Prim, Gale, my mother, Rose, Finnick, and Peeta. I have to go to sleep and wake back up in and a world where they're gone, and I struggle to accept that thought." Katniss stops and looks at him sighing. "I don't expect you to understand."

He shakes his head and leans forward in his chair. "It's natural for you to want to hold on to your loved ones. But Katniss it's not healthy."

She shakes her head and frowns. "Like I said before, I'd rather be crazy than have to let them go."

When Katniss walks into the victors village she glances momentarily at Her mentor's house, before filling with anger. "Sweetheart!" Haymitch yells from his porch swinging around a bottle of liquor. Katniss turns and rolls her eyes at his drunken demeanor.

"What do you want?" She asks demandingly as she walks towards him.

"I guess I should say sorry about yesterday morning. You don't need all those people crammed down your throat, do you?" He tells her and she scowls. "You only need Peeta."

She frowns and he takes another sip of his drink before she steals it from him and taking a swig herself. "You have a lot of things to be sorry about." She whispers.

"Yeah maybe, I do. I guess I need to tell you that I'm sorry for everything that happened in district thirteen, for not telling you about the rebellion, and for making you and Peeta become people you didn't want to be." Katniss remembers back to Peeta and herself being shown off as the starcrossed lovers even in thirteen. His silver tongue and her fiery soul. The memories of Coin constantly reminding her how lucky she was to be alive, how the others didn't want it enough to survive. Katniss couldn't help but feel guilty thinking about Mags and the morphling that sacrificed their lives for her. And for Peeta.

"I should have told Coin to let y'all be yourselves. That she didn't need to have the starcrossed lovers." He shakes his head. "I made a lot of mistakes in my time."

"That makes two of us." Katniss adds silently, not wanting him to think that she's never made bad decisions.

He raises his glass and smiles sadly. "To new beginnings."

Katniss closes the door to Haymitch's house and feels a sense of relief, knowing that he has told her he was sorry. Maybe it was selfish of her to hold it against him for so long, but she never really got over the fact that he didn't fulfill her wish. He choose her over Peeta. Again. She thinks of how sweet her dandelion was, how bright his smile could shine. It makes Katniss ache when she hears his name. Or even thinks of him. But these aches and pains never stop her from walking over to Peeta's house and opening the door. But she never steps foot inside.

She can't handle the thought of going into his house, because in another world, this is where she lives. But maybe walking across the threshold could cause her to realize, she has Peeta in another life. Katniss walks into his house and can still smell the scent of bread that lingers in the air. She even goes as far as to walk upstairs, and lie on his bed. The bed that smells so much like him.

She turns her head and stares at the painting of a dandelion that hangs on his wall and Katniss wonders if he always knew how much that meant to her. How special dandelions really were. She doesn't mean to invade his privacy, but in this life he is gone, and she doesn't think he would have minded. So Katniss opens the top drawer to his nightstand and pulls out a leather journal.

The pages make a crinkling sound as she opens the book and it fills the silent house with noise. Her breath catches in her throat as she looks at the sketch of her. Katniss is walking away from him on a set of train tracks, with her braid swaying in the wind. She recognizes the moment easily, but wishes she could forget it. The moment she told him she wasn't sure if the love they shared was real. At least on her side. Peeta had genuinely loved her, and she took it for granted. What she wouldn't give to be wrapped back in his arms.

She said it wasn't real, but maybe she's just scared. Right now my heart feels like it's been trampled on and I really hope it doesn't stay this way.

His handwriting is below the sketch and Katniss tries her best to hold back tears bag threaten to escape. She had broken his heart. She gathers his journal in her arms and walks out of his house, closing the door behind her.

Rose stirs in her crib and Katniss comforts her daughter the best way she can, she reminds her of the father she had. The journal crinkles once again as she opens the pages, but Katniss makes sure she starts from the beginning this time. "Do you want to hear something your father once thought?"

Rose smiles up at Katniss and she takes that as a yes.

I watched today as Katniss traded squirrel with my father. I wish I had the courage to do it myself, but that Gale kid was there and he intimidates me. The way he watches Katniss makes me think, he's sees her as more than a friend. Is it possible to be in love, at such a young age? Because I think I am.

The picture of Katniss standing at the backdoor is breathtaking, because Peeta has always sketched her prettier than she actually is. She wonders if maybe she had ever payed attention to him, if they could have talked before the games. She barely noticed him back then.

She kept tabs on him sure, but from a distance, a distance that kept her from getting hurt, disappointed, anything really. But what would their lives have been like if he had had the courage to fly out the bakery doors and capture her in conversation as she passed? Would she have ever given him the time of day, truly, or would she have been too embarassed to talk to the boy who was last hope, the boy who gave her the strength to keep going?

Probably not, she thinks with a smile. Boys were never a concern of hers back then.

As Katniss lays down that night, she places the sketchbook under her pillow, and pulls the covers close. At least in this world she'll have a piece of Peeta with her. Even if the pictures and words, are ones that break her heart.

A.N. Why does writing this story make me so depressed! It's like sympathy pain for Katniss. But anyways I hope you liked this and make sure to comment your thoughts down below! Oh and see that little star, make sure you hit that too.