Institute of Happy Thoughts [1ST PLACE, NNWC]

Chapter 13: Living

It was sunny outside, but the breeze was cool enough to take the heat away. Besides, the trees around were more than willing to provide shades. Napakaaliwalas din ng asul na kalangitan. I had since taken it for granted, and for everything that had happened in my life I was just thankful I still have this chance to appreciate such masterpiece.

Isang malakas na hangin ang dumampi sa mukha ko. Napapikit ako. Ang sarap sa pakiramdam.

"Kumusta?" tanong ni Rita sa akin. Sa courtyard kami dumiretso kasi sinabi ko sa kanyang gusto kong magpahangin. It was a good idea, kahit papaano kasi nadi-distract ng paligid ang isip ko sa mga bagay-bagay.

Kanina pa 'ko hindi nagsasalita. Siguro kinakabahan na rin siya sa bigla kong pananahimik. Malayo lang ang tingin ko. Napakarami kong iniisip. Hindi ko alam kung anong uunahin.

"Why do bad things always happen to me?"

"Bad things happen to a lot of people, Den. You don't have to claim it all to yourself. It's just a matter of perspective, on how you see things."

Nilingon ko siya sa tabi ko. I wasn't even aware I asked that out loud. "Do bad things happen to you as well?" Ibinalik ko ang tingin ko sa malayo upang magmuni-muni sa magiging sagot niya.

"Oo naman. Bakit sa tingin mo nandito ako? Dahil gusto ko lang? Of course not. I have my fair share of bad experiences."

Tama siya. Lahat kami rito may pinagdaraanan. Bakit ko ba naisip na exclusive lang sa akin ang nararamdaman ko?

"Bakit sa tingin mo nangyayari ang mga bagay na ito sa atin?"

Natawa ito kaya muli ko siyang nilingon. "So ngayon willing ka nang makinig sa akin? Parang dati lang allergic na allergic ka sa mga sinasabi ko."

I gazed at her, desperate for answers. I wanted to hear whatever it was she was going to say. I wanted anything that would give me consolation. I would take even a lie.

She sighed. "Sa totoo lang, minsan naiisip ko rin ang tanong na 'yan. Naiisip ko, bakit nga ba tayo? Sa dinami-rami ng mga tao rito sa mundo, bakit tayo? What makes us so special? What makes us different? Then it came to me. It's not who we were before, it's about who became. We are survivors. We made it.

'Naisip ko, kung sa ibang tao ba 'to nangyari makaka-survive rin kaya sila? That thought filled with me with rage and shame. Bakit ko nga ba iniisip ang bagay na 'yon? Bakit ko nga ba gugustuhing maranasan din ng ibang tao ang mga napagdaanan ko? Sapat nang malaman ko 'yong hirap. I survived so I could show the world it is possible. Nabuhay ako upang ipakitang mayroong pag-asa para sa pagbabago. To tell them the mistakes I did in my life so they wouldn't repeat it. I think I made it through because of that. The same goes for you as well. Para tulungan mo naman ang ibang taong hanapin ang daan tungo sa bagong buhay."

Bigla akong natawa na nagpasimangot dito. Siguro akala niya tinatawanan ko ang mga sinasabi niya. "Sorry. Nakakatawa lang isipin. Ako? Magtuturo ng daan para sa iba? I can't even find my own way, Rita. How can I know which path to show them? A role model? Damn, I self-destruct. For a time a loathed myself, I even tried to commit suicide so many times."

"And yet here you are, trying to make amends on all of your mistakes."

"That is because I was forced in here, not because of my own liking."

Natahimik ito sandali. Her silence scared me for some reason. She stood up and walked back and forth in front of me, thinking. And then, she halted and a smile appeared on her lips. "Sagutin mo nga 'ko, Den? Bakit mo tinatanong ang mga bagay na ito sa akin ngayon?"

Napatitig ako sa mukha niya. That question required contemplating. Sa totoo lang hindi ko alam. Bakit ko nga ba kasi 'yon natanong? Kasi gusto kong malaman? So, bakit ngayon lang?

"Do you want to know why?" she asked seeing my struggle. I nodded. "Before you came here, you were all set and ready to throw your life away. You never bothered to think of any purpose for it. You never cared for all the people you'll be hurting; all those loved ones you'll be leaving behind. Now here you are asking about purposes of life. Do you want to know why? Because finally you want to live, and you want to make sure living means something."

Isang malungkot na ngiti ang sumilay sa aking labi. She was right. Maybe I just did not want to admit it and what I wanted was for someone to tell it to my face. Rita here did the job perfectly.

"Maybe you're right. This time I want to live—to have a life I so richly deserve. Somehow that does not make me a bit happy."

"Bakit?"

"He's dying."

Kanina matapos ikuwento sa akin ni Rita ang detalye ng sakit ni Kian, pakiramdam ko galit sa akin ang tadhana. Para bang may ginawa akong masama sa kanila at ito ang araw ng aking paghuhusga.

It was only last year when Kian was diagnosed with chronic lymphocytic leukemia. Since the cancer has no symptoms, he was diagnosed too late. The cancer cells had spread throughout his body. He came here because he needed help to make terms with his diseases. He wanted to die not hating the world for cursing him with such illness. He wanted to have a good life. He wanted to help. Sabi ni Rita, Kian's family is in France and they have no idea he was dying. Everything made sense now.

Dahil nasa tapat kami ng pinto ay kitang-kita ko nang bumukas iyon at iluwa si Ms. Anna. Mabilis akong tumayo at sinalubong siya. Rita was behind me.

"How is he?"

"He's fine, for now at least." Kumunot ang noo nito at mataman akong tiningnan. "So you know? I wonder how." Bigla ay inilipat nito ang tingin kay Rita na nagyuko na lang ng ulo.

"Oo. I'm dying to know why?"

"Anong why? He's sick, Den."

I shook my head. "I know that. Ang gusto kong malaman, bakit hinayaan mo kaming maging malapit? You know he's dying and you let him enter my life. I know you did not mean to torture me, even though it feels like it. I want to believe that, at least," my voice cracked.

Masuyo nitong hinawakan ang mukha ko. Marahang pinupunasan ang mga luhang nakatakas na pala sa aking mga mata. Inalo niya 'kong para niyang anak. Isang malungkot na ngiti ang ibinigay niya sa akin.

"You came here so we can teach you the value of life, Den. But it was hard; we can't do that unless you appreciate your life first. We tried, but it seemed whatever we do can't simply make you care. You hate yourself, you loath everything about you. It just so happened, Kian came in to the picture and so we introduced him to your life."

"Para saan? Para ipaunawa niya sa akin kung gaano kaimportante ang buhay ko?"

"No. If you can't appreciate your life then maybe you can care for someone enough that you would appreciate their's. So when they're gone, you'll start to understand the value of life. You'll know then how your siblings felt every time you tried to hurt yourself."

"Hindi kaya sobra naman 'yan? That's unfair . . . and cruel."

"It is. But life is cruel . . . life is unfair. And sometimes, lessons are learned the hard way. That's reality. I'm sorry, Den."

"Paano kung dahil dito ituloy ko ang pagpapakamatay ko?"

"You won't." Ms. Anna said simply, as if she knew me that much that she understood everything about me, and I feared she really did.

"How can you say that?" I asked.

"Because then he'll be dying in vain. You don't want that to happen."

Her answer struck me. Hard.